I didn’t make it.
When I decided to commit to approaching every task with kindness, gentleness, and care, and to thanking each person for their contribution to my highest future to bring myself to patience, I did not think it would really be difficult…but it was! In the morning, as I was preparing for my day, I could see myself pausing a moment prior to a task, breathing, and thinking, “kind, gentle, caring…” and I could see myself just quickly saying “thank you” to someone…anyone…everyone. These things are not hard, they just require remembering to do them, right? No. Not only is there more to patience than patience, there is more to practice than just remembering to do it.
I remembered but could not do it. I could not bring myself to think kindly, gently, or caringly about tasks that are imposed by someone else (the nature of working at any job), or to thank the people who impose those tasks, or anyone else. After all, these tasks, these people, they are what are keeping me from the future I want NOW! As I mentioned, these are precisely the things I am resisting. But I as remembered I had committed to practicing, every part of my body tensed up. I could barely breathe and my mind could not even convince itself, “C’mon, just ‘thank you’”… “NO! I don’t wanna”… “Acknowledge, you can do it” … “NO!”.
That’s a bit of a conundrum. What to do, when the practice to overcome the resistance meets with resistance greater than the original resistance? I could not focus; my emotions were “abuzz”. I was tense, tight, barely breathing. What’s going on here? All I could do, ALL I could do was my good old standby, the repetition of “Om Namaha Shivaya” because I knew that I had to do something so I would not remain in this new state of resistance. But it did not feel like it was helping. What was this resistance to overcoming resistance? I am usually a lot more willing. After all, wasn’t I the one who decided to overcome the resistance in the first place? Why was I fighting myself?
Even now, I am not through this resistance. I can still feel it, as tightness in my chest and difficulty catching my breath.
I did get some insight as I was driving home continuing as best I could with the japa-mantra when I had one of those “ah-ha” moments that is more like a “DOH!” than a “DUH!” The thought was, “YOU ASKED FOR THIS!”. Yes, the thought yelled at me and I thought, “OMG, I did ask for this.”
But what was true about this? What did I ask for that I had not been seeing? And if I asked for it, why am I resisting? Why is it creating this emotional and physical stress and discomfort?
“Duh”…I’m resisting a new future. Wanting a new future means I need to change. My life needs to change. Everything will change. For how much I embrace change, welcome change, want change, understand change…apparently it still is capable of scaring the hell out of me.
I have given my “new future” new parameters. They are freedom and peace; greater peace in that stillness and quiet of rightness beyond question; freedom that is joyful and expansive and exhilarating. Getting there is a little scary because I do not know how to do it, I just know this is what I want; freedom and peace are my standards.
When I realized all of this, I came back to where I started: patience is about trust. The future is borne out of now. I have to trust in my Self (who Knows) the future, and when I don’t, I need to forgive myself for not doing so. I need to wait and listen ( http://wp.me/p2saEd-T ) (all also part of patience).
My new practice to get through this is telling myself:
∞ I place my trust and my future in my Self who Knows.
∞ I listen for the quiet voice that directs me
∞ I forgive myself for now
∞ I wait and take no action