I don’t know what I’m doing!! Like a ship that lists about, a rudderless boat on a vast ocean, I have been catching wind in the sail and been cast about. I do stuff. Life is full of activity. I make lists and cross things off, add more to the lists, cross more off. I accomplish things. I am productive. I am efficient. I am gettin’ shit done. Activity has increased; there is so much to do!
Everything feels important, but also pointless. Why am I doing all this stuff? I’ve been happy, but not satisfied; satisfied, but not content. What is the purpose? What is the meaning? Where am I trying to get to? Do I know? Can I get at the “knowing”? Am I stuck? Am I just where I need to be? Why am I doing this or that? Where am I going?
In order to answer these questions—especially the knowing—I ask myself, “What do I need to do?” and I am back to an activity. When all activities, even the ones which normally focus, calm, center, and balance seem pointless… what do I do?
My mind races along with my life, even my thoughts have the energy of activity. I can’t/don’t want to be still. There are tools I have which I could utilize, but none feel quite right.
There is deep wonder and curiosity at what this is all about.
- Is this my “old” consciousness, which is safe, warm, and comfortable spinning in circles to keep me from growing into a new level of awareness?
- Is this a new level of consciousness pulling at me, telling me my old tools no longer work, and I need to expand to find new tools?
- Is it my ego that is simply afraid of life and is using these tactics to keep me occupied so I don’t feel that fear and don’t move in any direction?
- Do I need to force myself to relax and be quiet?
This place is a particularly difficult one for me. Do I forge ahead with activity, be patient and wait, be diligent in customary practices that have proven consciousness-directed results, or try new practices that might “work” better than other ones?
Part of the problem is I am being blown about: I don’t know where I am going; I have stumbled in staying focused in purpose. There is no flow.
How do I change this?
Step one: Being aware Check. I am aware. I’ve described it pretty well, I think.
Step two: Thinking there is a better way – Check. I know there is a better way. I may go through ups and downs, but they are all part of the flow, and I understand how they fit. That is better.
Step three: Deciding to change – Hrmph. I guess I found my sticking point.
What does it take to decide to change? I already know there is a better way, so why would I want to stay here? Ah! It’s not about wanting to stay here…it’s about not knowing where to go (that was pretty clear in the second paragraph above, I see it now). What is my purpose? What is important to me? What do I want? Now, it’s about remembering and reminding myself of what I want. What do I say? My purpose is to be truly helpful. I want to be happy and happiness is tied to purpose; I want to embody my purpose. I want to explore life, share it here, in hopes that your life might open for you through my discoveries, that you might know your purpose, and be happy in living it because that joy is too amazing to hold on to.
It’s important for me to be consistent in words and actions. If I do not, right now, decide to change, I am creating an inconsistency in my life. SO, I declare:
This moment I decide: to be true to my purpose. I decide: even if I do not know the details of my purpose, I will hold my purpose in mind with singular vision. I choose: to release all barriers that restrain my consciousness from knowing my purpose. I choose: to actively engage my consciousness to be aware, to understand and to know my purpose. I choose life; I choose to live in life’s flow; I choose to learn how to allow life to show me its highest flow, my highest purpose.
Step four: Committing to actions that bolster this decision – Hmmmmmm. I have a little push-back to this one. Didn’t I say that actions feel like part of the problem…? I must go back to basics. This step is again about consistency. Just because I say I make a decision, doesn’t mean I have to follow through. BUT, if I do not follow through with actions, I am telling my consciousness either my words were not important or that I did not mean them. The action(s) does not need to be big or fanatical; it just needs to be solid—consistent. It does not need to be geared toward increasing my awareness and understanding or toward expanding my consciousness (I could just commit to brushing my teeth every morning to the tune of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All”), but if I am going to take an action like this I am going to make it as solid and moving as possible. I’ve made the decision, why not go for it? And the truth is, now that I have gotten to this point, I really want to change. I want to get through this. I want to move my consciousness into a new understanding and knowledge! YAY! OK. Now, with firm commitment and conviction, I declare: for the next 40 days (40 days is generally a good number for me; the decision really sinks in to consciousness after that time) at least one time per day, I will turn my mind to my Inner Divine Presence and contemplate my being and my purpose (using prayers/affirmations/songs/mantras) and invite my Inner Divine Presence to express my highest purpose through me. After at least 5 (but preferably more like 15) minutes, I will write in my journal any thoughts that come. Then I will take one deep breath, smile and live my life.
Would you like to join me?