Moving forward: it’s within you. Journey of Healing: Day 20

Copyright Tam Black 2013 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2013
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

I give today to Light. I feel the Light within pour forth; I feel my radiance, my glow. I see—with my inner eye—this Light envelop and infuse all I encounter, all my words, and all my actions. I watch as others resonate with me, their Light growing brighter in the sanctity of my own. To all beings and all situations today, I offer only Light, and learn, as I do, the wholeness of my Self.

I feel myself avoiding healing. I feel resistant to going deeper. This is different than when I tell about my frustration or impatience. Those things are in my face, so to say. I see them, I look at them. But this thing… this thing that I feel now, it’s more like it’s around the corner. I know it’s there, waiting, but I don’t want to go peek.

How do I know I am avoiding and resisting? Because I don’t feel the words or the meaning… because my mind has this kind of “yeah, yeah, whatever” attitude…because I can barely make it through the Guiding Thought—I want to be done with it, I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to look at the light, don’t want to see it. I don’t want to try.

I see this going on within me, and I feel so stupid! I do want healing and light…why am I resisting?! It’s like, if I look at it, it will be bigger, uglier, and more unmanageable than I imagine.

That’s crazy, huh?  It’s not a grudge. It’s not because someone has done something to me.  It’s not guilt. It’s not because I’ve done something to someone else. It’s all me; it’s all within me, because of me. It’s lack of confidence, lack of certainty, lack of faith. The only person I’m holding anything against is me.

I have to back up. When I worked in the Forest Service, in the Sierra National Forest, one of the lessons experienced hikers would impart on the inexperienced hikers is, “If you get lost in the woods, back up, retrace your steps. Go back to the last place that you can remember that you knew where you were.” It’s the same thing here, but different. How did I get here? Where is the place within me where I can return to where I know I have confidence, certainty, and faith?

First, the avoidance is all me, all within me. That means that the solution is also within me, as is the determination to get to the solution. The problem, the solution, and the path from problem to solution are all in the same place: within me. No one can help me but me; no one can do this for me. I have to figure it out.

Second, what do I want? I want Peace. I want to Know Peace. I want to be happy. I am not at peace now; I am not happy now… I feel lost and uncertain. How do I get to Peace? I must be willing to accept Oneness, Truth, the Truth of Love and Oneness. If I am not at Peace, I cut myself off from Oneness; I feel myself as separate and alone. I must be willing to rejoin myself with my Self, where I am in Truth.

Third, my Self wants only Peace and Love for me. I do, deeply. I want Peace and Love for myself… and for you. I want us to be happy, deeply happy, deeply joyful, and deeply peaceful. This is what I want.

That’s it. I have backed up to the place I remember where I am. I know because I felt the weight lift, just slightly, just enough. There was a feeling of recognition, a feeling of “ahhhhhh”.  Peace is within me, and I want to share it. I can’t share it if I cut it off, if I make it inaccessible to myself. Making it inaccessible to me makes it inaccessible to you. You deserve to be happy and at Peace, why would I keep that from you? If I withhold from myself, I withhold from you, and I want you to be happy, to be at Peace.

Now, I have to remember to remember…and to listen…and to move forward.

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