One step forward. Journey of Healing: Day 22

Copyright Tam Black 2013 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2013
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

I go deep within my inner stillness, and feel Divine Mind’s presence within me. I hold out my empty hands, symbolic of leaving preconceptions behind; symbolic of seeking True answers, and I ask, “What is the essence of healing?” These words resonate within me, as though in a vast cavern.  The word essence reverberates with these thoughts, “For what do I care most deeply?” “What is my own essence? What is my Truth?” “Where is my deepest hurt, where is my pain, where is my sorrow (that I may be healed)?”

I have been focused intently on thoughts of essence. I feel like, if I think about essence, I can go deeper, uncover things that are hiding within me. What is the essence of healing? What are the qualities that comprise it? What are its causes? What do healers “do”? What thoughts do they think that give rise to healing? What does it mean?

I feel almost at an impasse because I have no answers. I am “stuck” at the healing of the body—the blind man seeing, the cripple walking. I know that is part of it, an effect of healing, but it is not what healing is.

Healing is profound, all-encompassing, fulfilling. But what do these words mean, and what is the experience of it (healing), of them (these words that describe it)? Despite my 2 previous rounds of “erasing past thoughts” and making my mind a “blank slate”, it seems I cannot let go of the very limited ideas I have about healing.  How do I move forward, if I can’t escape my own limits?

“For what do I care most deeply?” For what do I care about most deeply? I am not even sure I have an answer to this at the moment. Everything I say I care about (Love, Oneness, Joy, sharing, expressing, Life….) seems so remote. I feel like a spectator to my own endeavors. I know these things are what I care about; they are what I am moving toward; they are what guide me, invigorate me, fill me, yet my mind is blank, my emotions bland.

Do I need to do something to correct this? Or is this OK? Is this part of the process?

I want to break through. I want to be certain. I want to have a clue that I am getting something, getting some understanding. I want to know I am not spinning, that my effort is not in vain, that something within me is changing (deeply). I tell myself it is. I tell myself I am moving forward. I tell myself… but my words, too, feel empty, there is no reassurance I can give myself.

I do not know… I do not know…

And, in the not knowing there is hope. In the not knowing is the letting go. I do not know! I do not know. How glad I am I do not know. There is no way I could know. No way I could understand something so enormous and profound. Not today, anyway.

Maybe the first step to waking up is to accept that I am asleep. My thoughts of the blind seeing and the cripple walking are dreams that I am having, dreams that I have had a long time. They play in my mind as dreams, not as anything I know or understand or have experienced. Healing is trying to speak to me, to show me itself, but my dreams are in the way. I cannot recognize what healing is, if it does not fit with what I think it should be. But if I don’t know what it should be, I might see it; I might dream differently.

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