I Don’t Have To. A Journey of Fulfillment: Day 18

Copyright Tam Black 2014 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2014
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Your motivation is your choice
Your intention is your choice
Your will is your choice
In peace, listen within for guidance, so that your actions are motivated by joy, your intentions are loving and your will is simply to share joy and love.

I began today’s practice superficially. I seem to be going through repetitions of peaks and valleys with this Journey—the peaks of attunement, then valleys of feeling disconnected; the peaks of understanding, the valleys of having no clue what I’m doing; the peaks of embracing the “fullness” of the Journey, the valleys of disregarding any progress, and feeling resistant.

It feels like I’ve had more valleys than peaks. I don’t know if that’s true or not, that’s just how it feels. Valleys seem to reinforce a thought that sounds like, “What’s the point anyway? You might as well just stop. You aren’t getting anywhere.”
When I listen to those thoughts, it’s hard to focus, to go deep, to really make an honest attempt to uncover what’s real, and to blow the fog away…just a bit.

That’s how I started with today’s guiding thought. I began today superficially, listening to those thoughts. “Blah, blah, blah…motivation. Blah, blah, blah…choice. Blah, blah, blah…joy.” I read the guiding thought several times this way. I thought, “All I have to do is read it. I don’t have to go deep. I don’t have to be inspired. I don’t have to feel myself shift. All I have to do is read. Just read. Just write. Just get through it.”

The problem was, even though I was doing what I had agreed to (the minimum “requirement” I set for myself on this journey), the thought got in the way. The superficiality was not a problem; sometimes I need to just step back and it’s ok. The problem was today, thinking, “I don’t have to” was not a neutral thought. It was worse than complacency; it was encouraging me away from going deeper.

There’s a difference between stepping back and hindering progress. Sometimes stepping back is helpful. Sometimes it is giving yourself a break in order to gear up for the next peak. Hindering progress is self-sabotage.

Today, hindering progress had disguised itself as stepping back, hoping I wouldn’t notice, hoping I was too lazy to actually push through. I am thankful I caught on (I think it is even possible that the guiding thought itself assisted me—after all, I did repeat several times, “In peace, listen for guidance…” and I did receive guidance.

Perceived correctly, self-sabotage on these journeys is a really good thing!

Self-sabotage happens because you’re close to something. So close you are ready to shift into something new. So close…it’s scary.

But if that part of you overtly self-sabotages, it would be obvious, you’d see right through it.

Noooooo….self-sabotage has to hide itself in stuff like giving yourself a break, relaxing, stepping back (and you see, I even gave the self-sabotage the idea about how to disguise itself on day 16).

These guiding thoughts serve to affirm a part of you that does not often get affirmed. In a big way, we are affirming Life, at our very core. We are affirming our wholeness, unity, and Love. These things are buried deeply, they are both “covered over” by thoughts and experiences of separation and disparity, and they are deeply who you are at the core of your Self. Whole. One. Love. We are unburying them from the depths so we can be who we are at the deepest level.

That can be scary. We are not used to being our Selves, so unfamiliar with who we really are. There is so much comfort in the surface, because we know what to expect, we know what we’re like when we interact with the world.

That deep stuff? Who knows what’s going to happen? Who knows who I’ll be if/when I let that stuff out? Who knows how I’ll handle it?


But it’s also exactly what I want. Maybe you do too.

We are so close!