Bring It! Pt.2: The Reckoning…What was I Thinking? : Journey of Abundance – Day 22

Copyright Tam Black 2015 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

We choose to expand our consciousness and open our heart to Divine Love’s flow within us. Realizing our own Divine Presence, we know God as the Source and Fulfillment of all our good.

Sharing

As I sat down to begin today, I was very aware of all my short-comings, mistakes, failures; aware of the things I was doing—or not doing—that were holding me back, limiting me. This was all in the context of expanding my consciousness and opening my heart to Divine Love’s flow, not about failures or mistakes in “life”—work, relationships, etc.

As I’ve been doing this Journey over the past three weeks, I can feel when I’m going deeply to the work, when I am feeling very connected and intense and, also, feel when I (my consciousness) is being lazy, and when I approach the practice more superficially.

Having done five Journeys prior to this, I have some points for comparison. Of these six Journeys (this one included), this Journey has been the hardest to keep my mind focused and to “go deep.”

I say to others, “Do what you can…” “Take small steps…” “You have a lot of baggage you are clearing out, go easy on yourself…” Yet, when it comes to me, saying these things to myself, I am not so gentle or understanding. I feel like there is no excuse for my shortcomings, my mistakes, my not “doing enough”, my not giving up what is holding me back. I should know better. I do know better.

So why do I do it?

As I read the Guiding Thought repeatedly, I did do better. I determined to go deep today and not allow myself the luxury of laziness. And I succeeded. I had a very thorough visualization of us expanding our consciousness and opening our hearts, realizing our own Divine Presence.

Then I thought about determining to do better in other ways—doing more of the things I need to do and giving up the things that limit me. As I was thinking about making this choice, making this determination, there was so much in my head about “What if I fall through? What if I fail? What if I can’t live up to my own expectations? How can I teach enlightenment if I can’t do it?”  Fear of: letting myself down. Fear of: letting you down. Fear of: letting God down.

All of these questions and fears felt like an excuse not to make the determination, and a struggle against making the determination. I was struggling against my own struggle.

What if I just let go of the struggle?

Everything I want to do (“determining to do better in other ways”) is only about bringing my mind and body into better alignment with Divine Love’s flow, the Holy Spirit, Christ consciousness. Why am I –would I—struggle against this? Especially when I know how good it feels? How natural and easy it is to live in Love’s flow, when that is really and truly what I want, when I know that is where real Freedom and Peace are?

However…let me note… that just two days ago, I said this:

“I want to shift from a consciousness of materiality to consciousness of spirituality. I want to know God as my Source. I want my power to be devoted to Love, not to money. I want to realize Love as my natural energy and circulate it widely. And, importantly, I know I want this authentically, genuinely, sincerely, and deeply.

Bring it!”

You know what they say about getting what you ask for? And I wasn’t just asking, I was challenging (Bring it!? What was I thinking?).

All of this today has been a direct response to “Bring it!” All of my baggage, all of my worries, all of my feeling not good enough…it is all coming to the surface! “Here you go! You want that? Get rid of this.

I will not back down from a challenge (especially when it is of my own making)!

And so, forthwith, I determine to give up struggling against shifting my consciousness from materiality to spirituality, to give up struggling against knowing God as my Source; to being the Love I am, to being my own natural energy. I determine to do the things I know increase my life and love, that lift me, release me, release my pain and tension, and bring me peace and clarity.* I determine to forgive myself, my failures—past-present-future, to be gentle with myself as I take my steps.

*The things I am talking about here are the practices of earth (fasting, exercise), air (metered breathing), water (soaking in a tub for at least an hour), and fire (sitting with fire). I breathe and bathe regularly, and am increasing the time I sit with the fire; however, I have not fasted lately, and that is the thing that I can feel  I need (in addition to being more consistent with the other practices).

 

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