Guiding Thought

Divine abundance expresses infinitely through my own Divine Presence. When I identify with my Divine Presence, I open the floodgates, and Divine abundance flows naturally, easily, and effortlessly through me, materializing all good in my life and affairs.

Sharing

I feel kind of numb today. Numb has elements of feeling indifferent, but I don’t want to feel indifferent. Indifference implies uncaring, and I care very much; thinking I don’t care feels frustrating. What is this?

Yesterday I was so optimistic and creative! I did so much (see here)! And I felt so positive about the Journey, about life, about the future! What changed?

You know what I think part of this is? I think it’s fear that “this doesn’t work” or “what if this doesn’t work.” The Journey is coming to an end, and I want something to happen. I want there to be visible confirmation that I’ve done something.

I also know that this is an attitude that repels the very thing I think I want to happen. It’s always so frustrating to be aware of things I am doing or feeling that I know are in direct contrast to what I know about them. It’s like I just watch myself doing or feeling what I know I want to evolve out of, but there I am, doing it.

Oh my…. Sometimes I can only laugh at myself. This is all part of the process. Recognizing (being aware) is a step in the forward progression and evolution. Laughing at myself feels very healing today.

Buddhism is coming in very handy today, too. It is giving me a framework to understand my thought process and to help me “just let go” (although laughing at myself has already started that!). Here is how:

First – Attachment: Attachment is one of the causes of suffering. People want; people desire; these emotional states cause suffering. As I said above, “I want something to happen.” This is a desire, an attachment.

But I can’t just say, “I want to feel something different” or “I don’t want to feel this attachment anymore,” because all that does is to replace one desire with another, and there is still suffering.

What to do?

Second – Become Mindful, or as I would say, Become Aware: I took this second step when I started writing about how I felt! I didn’t really want to write about feeling numb or frustrated, but that was exactly what I needed to look at, exactly where the emotional disturbance was. I find it uncomfortable to write about my emotional disturbances; it can be really hard to share even the smallest emotional states with people. But I also know that doing so really helps me become aware. And awareness leads to…

Third – Non-attachment is what I experienced going through this process today: Becoming aware set up a new dynamic within myself. Instead of me stewing in my emotions, feeling… feeling… wahhh- wahhh- wahhh…I began to observe myself feeling. The observation aspect was the non-attached part of me. I wasn’t invested in my emotions. I wasn’t wanting them to do something. I wasn’t judging, or thinking… I was just watching.

This set up a lot of the non-attachment qualities that Buddhists talk about when they describe mindfulness. I was simply observing the flow of emotions; I was accepting of whatever they were; I was open to what I was experiencing, I felt compassionate toward myself…as though the emotions were not “me,” but that they were just a distressed state that wanted some compassion.

I continued to feel and to stew but the act of observation instigated a new and different relationship within me, with my emotions. They were in the spotlight! My emotions became very aware of themselves. They didn’t stop, necessarily, but they began to wonder what they were doing, why they were being so dramatic.

Was today a detour? Or was today the Journey? Where does this lead? What is the end? Is there an end? Or does the Journey just continue…infinitely?