When I am aware of my Self of Love, I see the world through new eyes. Love is the Source of all I see, all I experience; it is the very activity of Life itself.
I have been way too serious lately. I see it now. That figurative >slap< yesterday woke me out of more than just looping.
I do have that tendency, being too serious. “These are very serious topics…” I tell myself. “How will others take me seriously, if I don’t take myself seriously?”
The problem is “being too serious” can be an excuse, a rap, a groove that I use to maintain my comfort level, to prevent myself from growing. I can feel it, now that I am looking at it. It’s this energy of fear, shrouded by “serious”.
Is that too cliché, calling it simply “fear”? But that is really the only way I can describe it: I am afraid of the future, I am afraid of right now, I am afraid of what’s going to happen, I’m afraid of failing, I am afraid of succeeding; I am afraid of unknowns, I am afraid of acting on my knowns…
There are moments when I do these Journeys that something comes up and I realize, despite myself, that I have uncovered something that was working really hard to remain hidden, and there are usually tears. This is one of those moments; there are just a few tears. The tears are acknowledgement, recognition, but also the result of relief from a weight removed—“Ok, it’s ok, it’s out in the open now and I am still alive; I did not self-destruct, and I can look at this more clearly now.”
I can also now look back and notice this theme has been building since day 31; I’ve been writing about keeping myself down, my own self-deception, my own self-victimization. As Charlie Brown said, “This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.”
I wondered why I was so bogged down. I’ve been in my “depressed stance” and didn’t even realize it. No more! =) I’ll let Snoopy say the rest: