I accept my light and my lightness! I feel my Self expand! As I perceive change around me, I remain anchored in my Being of Light. I allow myself to sit peacefully in the still place of nothingness as life moves quickly around me.
It takes courage to “be” in two (apparent) places at once: within and without. Within is the stillness, the peace, the light, the knowingness, and the emptiness.
It also takes perseverance. How often am “I” skeptical? How often do “I” doubt or lose faith? How often do “I” bemoan how little I know or wonder if “I’m doing it right”? Yet I keep coming back, keep going deeper, keep finding things to expose and release.
I realize two things about this. First, because I keep coming back, that means I trust something deeper than “myself”, deeper than my doubts and fears. Somewhere within, I know. Somewhere within I know that I know. That anchors me. I can doubt and feel skeptical and lose faith on one level, because there is something else, something deeper and wiser than “me” keeping me safe and connected, something that gives me the assurance to remain steadfast.
Second (and this is contingent on the first), I realize as I return each time to go deeper to root out doubts or fears, each new doubt or fear has less hold, less power within me. I’m learning to watch them, to “analyze and assess” them without accepting them as the reality of me. I’ve been learning to remove “me” from “my thoughts” or “my feelings”. It’s not, of course, that I remove the thoughts or feelings—they just keep coming!—but that I am more in touch with that anchor of stillness.
Like today…I feel kind of lost, drifting. But I also feel the part of me that knows that I know, and I feel tethered somehow…so…it’s OK to be adrift, even if I feel insecure about it.
I also intuit this “secure in insecurity” is warming me up for something else. So far, I’ve done a lot of work on the inner-aspects of this: feeling my own emotions, analyzing my mind, and letting go of the attachment to “my”. This will become a transferable skill as I begin to apply it to outer-experiences, changes, and shifts which happen around me, outside of “me”, learning to watch them and letting go of an identity or association with them.
I do have some fear at the moment: fear of the unknown, fear of the future—at least as best as I can identify it right now. I think my description of a foggy ocean yesterday was an apt description for this feeling today. There is no reason to be afraid; nothing is happening; I just feel like I am fumbling in the dark, with a rope around my waist.
So today I need to remember: I am anchored.
I’ll be back tomorrow!