Please, sir, may I have some more? Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 15

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

 

Guiding Thought

Your Purpose is to awaken to the Truth within you and share it. The Truth within you—your Inner Divine Mind—flows constantly and purely through you. As you go deeper in your awareness, the current of this flow broadens, strengthens, and brightens. It fills you and pours forth. This is Your Source, the Source of all your good, all your happiness, and all your abundance. Awaken now to your Inner Divine Mind and invite it to express itself as every person and event that will increase your awareness of it.

Sharing

I really, really want to believe I have a “higher purpose”. I want to believe there is truth to many of the spiritual teachings of ages about there being a realm of light, of love, of heaven on earth, of a beautiful, blissful state that we can access, that we can live.

But there is this thing called material reality, which consists of a material body, and people, and interactions, and emotions, and all this stuff. And if I were to look at this stuff and focus on it, I would never ever in a million years think there is anything more. I would be bogged down, immersed, believing what I see and experience day in and day out.

Wanting to believe keeps me going. Notice that I am not saying “I believe!!” but I think that what I have–or what I feel-or what I am describing is faith. But I am not sure. Wouldn’t it be faith that sustains and encourages?

I am trying to figure this out. What do I believe? What is faith? Where do I place my faith? Do I have faith at all? These are not new questions. I’ve been asking them for years (on and off). Sometimes I have answers. Currently, I do not.

What I know is that I feel like this seeking, searching, doing, questioning…all of this is what I do. This looking and asking and trying to figure out, this wanting to believe, is what I do naturally. I can’t imagine not doing it, not being driven (yes, driven) by wanting to believe. (It occurs to my that I need to let this go.)

I know I feel soothed and comforted in the seeking and asking; but I also know that I can go long stretches with no clue about what I am doing, with no ready “answers”.

I have been having an intense week. There is a lot going on energetically, emotionally, at work, at home… This morning, I thought to myself, “I need to do more practices… I need to write more, do more mantra…more, more, more!” Then I thought, “WHO does that? Who (in their right mind), does stuff to encourage intensity??” Please, sir, may I have some more?*

Most people retreat (or at least that is what I think); most people back up to where they are comfortable, suppressing emotions, glossing over things, returning to an easier space. I go into it, meet it head on and confront it to give me everything it’s got. I want it, because if I go into it, I might be able to figure it out, learn more, get more out of it, get through it, be stronger for next time.

I always get through it; there’s always a next time.

*There is a second meaning to this phrase that I intend. The first meaning is, of course, the line from Oliver Twist. The second meaning, I cannot verify and nothing shows up in Google that I found to reference, thus it is purely anecdotal. I had a friend in the military, who once told me that when new recruits were hazed, they were made to say, “please, sir, may I have some more”. Using this phrase, the recruits were made to request harsh treatment. Or in my case, intensity.

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