What was this Journey about? How did I do? Did I accomplish anything? Did I get “further” on the Journey? This is me in my personal debrief mode, being self-analytical, doing a self-assessment, being (dare I say) self-critiquing (Do you know the difference between a criticism and a critique? The first one finds faults, the second assesses the “what is” in a neutral way, and looks for ways to improve).
I’ve been in debrief mode for almost a week and it has scared me. Not that I actually recognized my fear; I had to “stew” this long for Love to slowly reach in and pull me out–it had too! I have another Journey starting in a couple of days! I need to resolve this one.
The fear was because in all those question above, I was coming up short; that is “I” was coming up short–that is the “I” that identifies with the relative world, the “I” that is not eternal, the “I” that worries and blames and feels guilty. For all of my effort, the voice of the critical “I” still influences me.
But that is good! If I hadn’t done this Journey, and taken this rest, those self-critical voices wouldn’t have had this opportunity to poke up out of my subconscious and tell me where they stand.
At first, I only heard the voices as they were telling of my shortcoming for this Journey. They said things like, “See, you still don’t know what your purpose is, you failed this Journey”… “What did you really accomplish? –NOTHING!” “How come you’re not any better off now than when you started, there’s really no point to any of this…”
But then, with the help of my home-sounding-board (which doubles alternately as my shoulder to cry on, my comic relief, my voice of emotion [because I have a good voice of reason], and my gentle-nudge when I need a swift kick in the arse), I realized these voices sing an old tune. They are part of the larger pattern of me being too hard on myself.
And that’s when it all came together. I realized that sometimes, I put too much into the becoming and not enough into the being. In other words, I think about who I want to be, where I want to be; I think about my goals, my potential, my infinite Self that I am striving to become. AND YES…I always fall short. Everyone ALWAYS falls short in the face of Eternal and Infinite. This (again) is part of the paradox of enlightenment.
We will never achieve the infinite. That is the nature of “infinite”–there is always more. That’s why we need to be happy with being.
And that is how it all came together. I realized I really like BEING myself. No… not my Self, not that Self of infinite love and kindness, the one all these Journeys are about– I like my little self. I like my personality. I like my thoughts. I like who I am in the world. I’m a good person. I help people. I am kind. I treat people well and with respect. I smile, I laugh, I sing, I dance. I am abundant enough for a beautiful home, good food on the table, nice clothes, and an occasional splurge (like the new food processor I bought last week). And I realized that with all of my striving, with all of my “eye on the prize”, “gotta be better”, “gotta evolve”, “gotta do…whatever…”, with all of that, there was an underlying feeling that now is not good enough. I am not good enough, now. The “good enough” was always at some point in the future, which I’ll never attain, because there’s always more.
[May I just point out: the next Journey is Worth. Do you think that these feelings of “not good enough” are coming up now coincidentally? I don’t think so. This all works together in ways I really do not understand!]
On the very first day of Journey of Purpose, I wrote this, and now know I have come full circle, completed this Journey…accomplished…something:
“After I wrote the Why Journey of Purpose, in which I talked a lot about feeling sad at the cruelty in the world, wanting to rise above and assist, and wanting to find love and compassion for those who have so little love that they need to act cruelly, this was sent to me (a part of a much longer letter):
Please, dear Susan, love yourself. As you know, this is our biggest lesson. Everyone is our teacher as we are theirs. Sometimes the teacher is kind and loving and sometimes the teacher is harsh. But everything and everyone exists for our divine benefit, and every pair of eyes we look into are our own. It is a time on our planet when the consciousness has been raised enough that people realize that they have the power (through God’s grace) to manifest the life they want. We are all creators because we were created by a creator in His/Her likeness.
And after that, I was listening to prayers and one of them said this:
As with all things in the Universes, True Joy can only come from deep Self-Realization; Awareness and Love of the Other can only come from deep reflective Self-Love.
The name of the game is love. Always has been. Love yourself, love your Self, love yourselves. “