I know my Self when I share my Self. As I give my Self, I see my Source returned to me. All that is Whole, all that is Beauty, all that is Holy, reflects back to me in the Joy of Being, in the brilliance of Life, in the Unity of Self. I choose to share only the Self of Beauty, Wholeness, and Joy, that I may Know my Self as Beauty, Wholeness, and Joy.
I’ve been living in tension these past few days. This does not mean that I feel stressed out, or that I am tense. I mean it this way:
There’s something pulling me forward through tension, antagonism, and strife. I feel the pull, I can even imagine the “ought” – I can see there is something better, right up there, just around that corner…I’m headed to it, I know I am; yet here I am, caught in the is that is the tension moving me forward. —Is, Ought, Kant, Can (Full article here)
It feels like the tension of transition. I’ve felt this before, when I’ve had the sense that there is an impending change. This feeling began with my near-panic attack a few days ago. Now, I feel uncomfortable; I feel unsettled. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on around me, like I don’t know how to interpret anything. Everything is swirling around me (figuratively) and I am really working hard to hold on to what is real and not get swept away in the uncertain chaos of my mind’s imagination.
This is also the tension I described at the very beginning of this Journey, which I vowed to work on during this Journey: “In the tension between becoming and being, I must maintain equal love and acceptance both of who I am and of who I am becoming” (see Why a Journey of Worth). This is the growth of becoming, which means letting go of false-ego-lower parts of myself, clearing away and making room for more Truth of my Self.
In this space, this Guiding Thought is really hard to accept. There’s too much that feels erratic for me to see Beauty or Holiness around me. Yet, I know that it is precisely Beauty, Holiness, Wholeness, and Joy which are where I am headed; these are “the tension moving me forward”. The chaos and the swirling are all those parts of me I am letting go of, spinning off.
When I have been in this mental/emotional space at other times in my life, I’ve always taken time every day to do what I call, “getting my mind right”. What that means is praying in the morning, with great focus and intention for the highest, most loving outcome. It also means feeling incredibly small and ignorant because I have absolutely no idea what that highest and most loving outcome is, so it means strengthening my trust.
I am not unfamiliar with this feeling. Now just feels a whole lot more intense than I have ever felt before; I need to get my mind right constantly, every moment, not just for a period of time every morning.
As I was praying last night, I worked at sifting through my doubts, and figuring out what I know, and what I trust. This is what I came up with: I know with absolute certainty that my heart is “in the right place”, all the time: I know that I want to do what is right by God; I know that I want to do what is mine to do, with Divine Will. I also know with absolute certainty that God always comes through for me, in the best, highest, most loving way possible. It’s not always what I think, or what I think I want, but it’s always right. And I thought, “God is always True to me”. And I realized, that regardless of what I know about where my heart is, or my certainty of wanting to do what is right, sometimes I am not True to God, equal to God being True to me. That hit me hard, so my prayer became, “May I be True to You. Give me the strength to be True to You, as You are to me.”
I know this is a transition. I know this tension. I am ok. I will get through this. Everything changes. Nothing is as it seems. To remind myself of this, I’ve been saying to myself frequently, “we’ll see…”
There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his prized horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
“Such bad luck,” they clucked sympathetically.
The farmer replied, “We’ll see…”
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
“How wonderful!” the neighbors exclaimed.
The old man replied, just as calmly as before, “We’ll see…”
The following day, his only son tried to ride one of the untamed horses. Alas, the wild horse threw him off its back and the son broke his leg and became lame. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
Looking at a distance, the farmer answered, “We’ll see…”
Soon after, a terrible war broke out with the neighboring country. Military officials came to the village to draft all the able-bodied young men into the army. Seeing that the farmer’s son was lame, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
The farmer said, “We’ll see…”