Arguing with myself and losing: Journey of Courage 2017 – Day 19

I haven’t had a day like this is a while. It’s a cranky, frustrated day. It’s kind of fun, I hate to admit. Don’t get me wrong–I do feel cranky and frustrated, but there was something refreshing about getting it out, and feeling like a rebellious teenager, knowing that this is really a step forward.

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Copyright Tam Black 2015
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Guiding Thought

Accept your light and your lightness! Feel your Self expand! As you perceive change around you, remain anchored in your Being of Light. Allow yourself to sit peacefully in the still place of nothingness as life moves quickly around you.

Reflection

I feel argumentative with today’s Guiding Thought. This is a slice of a long-standing “argument”, though it’s not so much an argument, as it is a misunderstanding, or a lack of understanding, or an ignorance I have not yet unraveled.

The argument in a nutshell goes something like this: On the one hand, there are spiritual directives that tell me to “be still”, or “do nothing”. On the other hand, there are spiritual principles that indicate if I cannot demonstrate spiritual principles, I do not really embody them–in other words, I need to do something, be active in the world. This whole “doing-not-doing” has my head in a spin sometimes.

I don’t disagree  with today’s Guiding Thought, but it definitely has triggered this. (dare I say, “and that’s a good thing; now you can get one step closer to resolution”! I don’t know if I am feeling that perky today.)

I’m going to do what I often do during such bouts of back and forth. I’m going to go through each sentence and see how I feel:

Accept your light and your lightness! Check. No problem here. I accept my light and my lightness. I started re-reading Barbara Marciniak’s Bringers of the Dawn this morning, and am feeling pretty good about my light. 

Feel your Self expand! Check. No problem here. I’ve had some very noticeable expansions in the past 2 weeks. No, I take that back. I had a very expansive week two weeks ago, then a very retracted week this past week (which was sort of hard to deal with after my very expansive week, I must say). Yes, though–overall, I feel myself expand, and I feel good.  

As you perceive change around you, remain anchored in your Being of Light. Hm. No check here. You know what I want to say to “perceiving change around me”? –something not very nice. I want to yell at it, something like, “are you kidding me? what friggin change?” Ok, I recognize that there has been enormous change in the political-cultural-social arena. I recognize the changes going on in the environment, and in the world. But in my little life? Nothing. And I have been wanting change. That’s why this whole “doing-not-doing” is triggering me right now. I have been working on changing my physical-material circumstances and nothing has happened. So, of course, if nothing has happened, that means that I am failing at demonstrating my spiritual principles, right? And if I am failing at demonstrating my spiritual principles…what good am I? LOTS of issues coming up with that. 

On this topic, I had a conversation with Tam earlier today, and Tam reminded me of Job. And I remarked that I think a lot about Moses in the desert for 40 years; and Tam said, “walking in circles, no less”. Then I commented on Daniel whose fame is from the lion’s den, but he lived his life as a slave. That could not have been fun. Do you think that Job, Moses, or Daniel were betraying spiritual principles because they were not demonstrating them for long periods of time? No, of course not. But you see how difficult it is to understand the enacting of a spiritual principle, when there is no action?  Yet the no-action of being still is itself a spiritual principle? What is the reconciliation? How do I know when I am true to spiritual principles when there is no outward manifestation?

Allow yourself to sit peacefully in the still place of nothingness as life moves quickly around you. No check here, either. Pretty much the same reaction as above. I have an additional resistance to this sentence in that my mind feels a bit ADD and rebellious. “I don’t wanna sit still! Screw you, sitting still!” Yeah, I said that.

But I also don’t know what to do. I am not going to take an action that does not feel right. I am not going to take an action that feels incongruous with my spiritual principles. I am not going to take an action just  to take an action. I am not going to force an action, just because I don’t want to sit still anymore. So where does that leave me? Doing nothing. ARGH. 

So you know what I am going to do? Stick to the Journey. Stick to my practices. Let the days be as they will.

 

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