How can I live apart from God? God is indivisible. God is my Source and the Life within me. My Oneness with All through God was established at my birth, at the creation of my being. The realization of this Truth is the foundation of my freedom.
I spent 5 minutes today contemplating the Guiding Thought, and was pretty focused the whole time.
However, it was one of those days where my emotional energy was in a state of disarray, which means even though I was focused, my emotions inhibited clarity, and actually (I felt that they) worked against me the whole time.
Even though I understood the Guiding Thought intellectually, my emotions fought me. It was as though for every “positive” statement in the Guiding Thought, my emotions were there feeling the opposite.
So then, I felt like a hypocrite.
How can I be reading/thinking about my inherent Oneness with God, when I am feeling things that are definitely not similar to Love, patience, compassion, or kindness? To myself of anyone else?
I kept trying to talk myself down. After all, the Guiding Thought is “supposed” to offer reassurance, right? It’s supposed to be the light in the darkness that leads me on an illumined path toward my Divine Self, right?
But each time I tried to talk myself down, it just seemed like more of a reason to give myself a hard time; the contrast between where I want to be (represented by the Guiding Thought), and how I feel my emotions (those “negative” -bouncing-off-the-walls-emotions), was intense and stark, and only served to make me feel like I did not deserve, nor could I achieve the Guiding Thought. Ack.
There were moments (probably only seconds, since the whole thing lasted just 5 minutes), where I felt like the emotions were explosive—as though if I were in contact with another person at that moment, I would lash out.
I (pretty much never) feel that way.
I then tried to tell myself other things that I often respond to, as a way to get my emotions (or my head) out of my ass: namely, that these are really intense times, that there is a lot going on—energetically, emotionally, spiritually, cosmically… Since I know there is a lot going on I know I can have patience with myself.
That did not seem to work.
Then I told myself, “come on, since you know this, you know what to do…use your tools, transmute the energy, be the transformer toward Peace you know how to be”.
But interestingly, I rebelled against that. It was like I didn’t like where I was but also didn’t want to get myself out of it.
I (pretty much never) feel that way (anymore). There have been times over the years where this was very much my modus operandi. But I’ve matured; I’ve grown out of it.
Or have I? I guess I haven’t grown or matured out of it completely. Damn.
So then that brought up the final thing that I told myself to get myself out of the emotional spin: This old shit is coming up to be released. Yes. Yes, it is. Just remember that.
But then I thought, “but what if I don’t release it? What do I need to do to release it? What if it doesn’t happen? What do I need to do? How do I actually do it since I am in this total funk? ACK!!!”
Seriously, there was panic there. What if I don’t release it? What if I don’t “work hard enough at it” to get the job done? What if I fail? Added to my feelings of hypocrisy and panic I felt guilt because I was not doing what (I thought) was necessary to do, what is needed to be done. “I am so lame. I am so lazy. But on top of being lazy I can’t even motivate myself to not be lazy.” Oh crap.
There was, fortunately, a very small, very distant voice that said, “It’s happening. This is it. Just get through it.”
Thank you, dear One Who Knows.