My Crap. My Choice.: Journey of Peace 2017– Day 32

Copyright Tam Black 2017
for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Knowing myself as Peace fortifies my inner awareness of the unity within. Through gratitude for the Life I Am, I connect with harmony. Through harmony, I am restored and strengthened, and am thus able to carry my Inner Peace to all of life’s activity surrounding me.

Reflection

“Whenever you are angry, you can be sure that you have formed a ‘special relationship’, which the ego has ‘blessed’, for anger is its blessing. Anger takes many forms, but it cannot long deceive those who will learn that love brings no guilt at all, and what brings guilt cannot be love and must be anger.”  (ACIM)

I got to a point of comfort here, with these Journeys. I was (am) flowing, my life and emotions are smooth…no problems, really.

About a week ago I thought from out of the blue, “but I haven’t been working on anything specific…” I brushed that aside with the counter-thought, “But of course you have: each Journey works on something specific”.

But something didn’t (doesn’t) feel right anymore. I was right: I’ve become comfortable in doing these Journeys. That means there is no “real” growth. Real growth (for me) is when there is something pushing me, prodding me, gnawing at me to understand, to figure out, to forgive and release. It’s up to me to challenge myself to find those things within, and bring them to light.

It’s a precarious balance, especially for me, a person who is often too hard on myself for “not doing enough”.

When am I not doing enough? versus When am I taking a step back to integrate or assimilate something new? versus When have I gotten lazy?

In the past few weeks I have slowly been re-integrating a tool/modality that I had used many years ago. It’s a tool that makes emotions visible. It does not heighten emotions per se, but it increases my awareness of the emotions that are going on, bringing them to consciousness.

In the past week, I’ve been thinking more about my emotions, more about my past emotions and how those are influencing me, more about emotions that I learned as a kid that I did not consciously choose (for example, I’ve been recognizing an emotion that I inherited, connected with a fear of making bad decisions, especially when it comes to money).

I am much more attuned to feelings of anger and guilt–sometimes I feel them (and acknowledge them), sometimes I just recognize that there is a situation that (were I to buy into it), would elicit feelings of anger and guilt.

But since I’ve been thinking about it (that is: since I have been more aware), I’ve been feeling more and more (and it’s been about anger and guilt, which is why the quote is at the top of the page).

Even with “how much I know” (or how much I think I know) about myself, about my emotions, about how I tick, and what ticks me off…there is still stuff that I need to work on.

I prefer to choose to work on stuff. It’s my choice! These Journeys are certainly part of it–and will be for a long time to come. But it’s time to get to work on those things that I may not consciously be aware of, and it’s time to make those things conscious. Stuff like:

  • When did I decide that I could not have nice things?
  • What is this tension my body holds in my neck and throat?
  • What do I wish I could say that I don’t?
  • When did I decide that I need to “work through” toxic situations, rather than leaving them?
  • How can I release fear of being successful?

And on and on. There’s so much to work on! By making the choice to grow, to release “crap”, I get ahead of it–I control when and how it expresses; it does not sneak up on me and come out inappropriately.

I feel like I have come so far, and yet I’m back at square one. This is not unexpected. I may be back at square one, but with a whole lot more assurance, maturity, and confidence.

I wonder what this Journey will be like two years from now, after working out even more emotional stuff. We’ll see.

 

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