EffervEssence (Heart- 1.1.19)

Journey of the Heart – Day 19
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Gratitude strikes your heart like a bell, resounding love through your being. Gratitude opens your heart to Love’s purity, your very own essence! Experience such deep gratitude for your heart, your essence, your ALL of Life!

Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

There have been two times, over the past six months, that I’ve experienced “karma” or “energy” or “emotional crap” (I am not sure what to call it) lift up and leave my body/energy field.

The first time was shortly after I did the mundan, and I had done a fire ceremony. I don’t even remember what the “crap” was that I had been holding on to, but all of the sudden, I felt it evaporate. It was as though something material and heavy in my energy shifted, and floated up and out of my energy field. I felt it, and thought, “huh. That’s new”.

The second time was just yesterday. We all carry with us things we learned, or inherited through our family-line (at least we carry it…until we don’t). I’ve been noticing energies that I can identify as things that have been with me for years, that I can see having their origins in my parents, grandparents, maybe (probably) further back.

I was in one of those dunking booth moments, totally immersed in a chaotic emotion. But. I was also watching myself be immersed in the chaotic emotion: in the water and on the platform at the same time:

I felt sorry for myself. SO SO sorry for myself. “Woe is me”. “Nobody loves me”. “Nobody cares”. “If they did they’d…>fill in the blank<…” “If I were lovable someone would…>fill in the blank<. ” Boooo hooooo hoooooo.

I had been in and out of this state for a few days…no, longer… I knew the energy was “not mine”; I knew it was something that I was feeling, but it was not something I believed in, claimed, or identified with. But I was in it.

Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to do to get out when you are so deep in it. Sometimes it’s scary, cause I wonder if I will get out of it. Sometimes it feels like I want to be there, like I want to self-sabotage, and feel sorry for myself, and then I wonder what the hell that is all about.

All of this was going on in that fateful moment.

Then, the part of me that was watching myself go through the emotional contortions, finally, finally got leverage to pull myself out. I remember exactly the thought that gave me the leverage: “It’s not fair to my relatives who carry this, that I should continue it; it’s not fair to the people I project this onto.”

In that thought, I felt a profound sense of duty and obligation. Other people don’t deserve my bullshit. They may not even know, but that doesn’t matter. I have a duty to discontinue my own BS, to save others from guilt/blame/shame, and maybe even to break the chain of inherited BS.

I don’t know why I turned to the meditation that I did, but I immediately thought, “Transmute, transmute, by the violet fire, all causes and cores not of God’s desire. I am a being of Cause alone. That Cause is Love, the sacred tone.”

I said it once. And the bullshit lifted. Seriously, it was just gone. here…and then…not here. poof. In that instance, everything changed. I changed.

I continued saying the meditation a few times for good measure anyway.

I have read about how things can happen “in the twinkling of an eye”. I know A Course in Miracles talks about things like walking through the veil, or pushing aside the clouds. I’ve now had two experiences with this. It really can be that simple. Crap can just go away. Just like that. Gone.

 

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