Hail Mary (Heart- 1.1.40)

Journey of the Heart – Day 40
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

My heart-love establishes my inner-peace. Solidly grounded in my own inner-peace, I approach all of life with love, compassion, and wisdom. I live as my Self, shining with the beauty of the Love I AM.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

Welcome to day 40! did you make it? It is so fitting for Journey of the Heart to end on Valentine’s Day, yes?

The 40th day is often a set of conflicting emotions for me. First, there is the relief, “oh thank god it’s over, and I’m done!” Then there is wondering: “I wonder how I did? What were my breakthroughs? How will this affect my life positively from here on out?” (I’ll explore such questions when I do the afterword). Then, there’s the excitement, “Oh YAY, now I get to start another Journey!”

I really am looking forward to Journey of Purpose. I feel like I really need to connect with my purpose. I am thankful that I have worked so diligently with my heart for the past 40 days. I feel confident in its guidance for my purpose.

So the picture today, what a mess, right? 🙂 It started as an infinity symbol. That turned into an Om. Then, the Om became an oil lamp (see the little flame out of the “trunk”?), and finally somehow the Divine Mother’s eyes showed up.

I’ve been working on connecting with the Divine Mother a lot recently. She is not someone/an energy that I am quite familiar with. But I’ve had the intention. This morning on my way to work, I replaced my usual driving-prayers with some toning. First I toned “Ahhhhhhhh” for the Divine Earth Mother, and gave thanks to her for sustenance. Then I toned “Ooooommmmm” because, well… it’s OM. Then, I toned “Huuuuuuuu”, which, in my experience, is a very powerful tone, and one of the root practices of Eckankar. After that toning, I felt like praying. So I did 3 “Our Fathers”. Then, sticking with my Catholic background, I started saying the Hail Mary. Wow. How powerful that was for me this morning. I said 2 more Hail Marys… then two more after that… then just kept saying them.

I felt connected to Mary, and was very thankful for the feeling. I’ve heard that the tradition in which one is raised–and so for me, Catholicism–is kind of the “heart” tradition that will resonate with a person throughout his or her life. I’ve always felt connected to Catholicism (and Orthodoxy) in a very unique and special way, despite my love and exploration of other traditions.

But this opening to and with Mary. That was new. A prayer answered, a heart opened.

Thank you, Mother.

 

The Freedom of Forgiveness (Heart- 1.1.39)

Journey of the Heart – Day 39 ©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Gratitude strikes my heart like a bell, resounding love through my being.

Gratitude opens my heart to Love’s purity, my very own essence!

I experience such deep gratitude for my heart, my essence, my ALL of Life!

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

Thought #1

The gratitude was flowing. I could feel everything open up, because I felt thankful for everything. YAY!

Thought #2

Forgiveness is like giving people a clean slate, giving yourself a clean slate. What if everyone woke up every morning with a clean slate? –everything from the previous day(s) was wiped away; everyone begins fresh and new, everyday!

How absolutely freeing! I want to wake up every day, with a fresh start, and by giving every other person in my life a fresh start. Let no one be burdened or chained or limited because of me! You are free! I forgive you! We start fresh together now! and now! and every now!

When I really felt this, I also felt the corresponding joy. Imagine being that free? What other emotion could be associated!?

I need to delve into this further. This is just scratching the surface. But, man, what an insight!

Love and blessings to you!

Take Action (Heart- 1.1.37)

Journey of the Heart – Day 37
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought 

I focus my heart-love in the service of others. As I serve others through my deepest heart-love, my own love expands and becomes amplified. There is always more love to share, to give, to experience! Such joy and gratitude fill me, when I open to my heart’s love!

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

“All you need to do is open your heart, believe, admit to grace, feel infinitely grateful, take action, and do it for your higher self”. (Joseph Barry Martin)

The Art of Problem-Solving (Heart 1.1.36)

Journey of the Heart – Day 36
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

I listen to my heart and with my heart. My heart pays attention to others, listening to their inner voice, their unspoken words. I care, and attend with love to their deeper, silent needs, asking their heart, “How may I strengthen you and raise your energy?”

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

I understood art as problem-solving today. I saw the learning process that goes into art, and how artists evolve.

I feel like the two hemispheres of my brain were uniting.

Art to me has always been a spontaneous, “whatever comes out” approach. I’ve never been able to visualize a picture in my head and reproduce it. And for that reason, I’ve always thought, “I’m not an artist; I don’t have what it takes”.

In addition, I am very logical and rational, and have always had the (misconceived) idea that my dominant logical and rational (left-brain) precludes being artistic.

Now that I am writing this, I am identifying some really false beliefs that I have held!

Today, as I listened to the Guiding Thought, a picture came into my head that I wanted to draw. At first, I thought, “nah…not even gonna try…I know how that would(n’t) turn out”.

But then I thought, “You’ve been doing these triangle-things, overlapping things…you could probably do it”. So I started.

Immediately, I was perplexed with how the lines cross, and where to leave “openings” in some lines for the other lines to “go through” them, creating the layered look.

But I figured it out (sort of. I wanted it to be more complex, with more colors, more lines, more triangles, with “upward facing” triangles at the bottom “receiving” the lines of color coming down).

As I was figuring it out, I could feel myself learningproblem solvingHow do I do it? Where do I put line, and not put a line? and I was able to work through it in my head, to the degree that you see here. The picture is simplistic, I know–but it was actually a big step for me, the “left-brained, non-artist”. I could “see” what I could do…next time, and I understood how artists try stuff, see how it works, then integrate it into the next work.

I could feel how, if I were to do this picture again–or one like it–I would be able to do it more effectively and add some of the complexity that I really wanted.

I wonder if this was an exercise in unifying head and heart?

Probably.

 

 

Persevere (Heart- 1.1.35)

Journey of the Heart – Day 35
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

I bring my awareness to my heart and resonate with its love. Naturally and easily my heart-love radiates through me. Love is present now—rippling in to the future, releasing the past.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

5 days remaining to the Journey.

It’s been a Journey. I started in a pretty good place. I felt in-tune and intuitive. I felt connected.

Then things kind of mellowed out in round two. I felt the hum-drums, the repetition, which generally puts me in the frame of mind of “what am I doing?”, “what’s the point?”.

Then…

The past 2 weeks have been intense, probably more so than I have shared here. I’ve been not myself, so to say. It’s been a time of feeling like a weight has surrounded me. My energy, emotions, mental state have all been heavy and weighed down.

Although the overall feeling was non-specific, the emotions that came up have been about failure, derived from the uncertainty of what to do, and what to do next. Feeling overwhelmed with simple, “normal” things like working on the computer, doing laundry, or or deciding how to prioritize my work and schedule.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be self-aware. I know what I am feeling, can observe myself and how “I” am affecting me. But what good does this do, if I don’t know what to do about it?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I always know on some level that I can feel better; that I can be better. So why aren’t I, during such weighty times? Am I supposed to just wait and do nothing, or am I supposed to figure something out through rigorous analysis, practice, or other “work”? Do nothing, or do something?

I don’t know the answer. All I know is I keep going. I have my standard practices that, regardless of what’s going on, I do them. Could I do more? probably. And I do, when I can. But sometimes I don’t have the motivation, the stamina, the will power to do more. So I tell myself to be consistent with what I know, with what I do. I think this is called faith. Just keep going.

And it works. Somehow. I had a huge emotional release two days ago. At the time I felt like a basket case, was a huge mess. I was lethargic, raw, fragile, ripped open, on the verge of tears sometimes spilling over, wanted to crawl into darkness and curl up in a ball. Thank you to the support I received from family and friends who were with me in spirit, breathing with me.

The lifting began. slowly. I think I am going “up” again. I feel more myself than I have in several weeks, lighter, less weight.

I always wonder, at times like this what I did to get through it? Did do anything, or is it grace, time passing, or perseverance in the practices? Maybe all of the above.

Or maybe it’s day 35 of a 40 day Journey, and the building momentum is finding its resolution.

 

Magnetize, Assimilate, Extend, Expand. (Heart- 1.1.34)

Journey of the Heart – Day 34
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Oh, my beautiful blissful heart! How can I deepen and expand my relationship with you? How can I give your love, your wisdom, your compassion more openly and freely? How can I know you, my heart of love, as myself?

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls- 

Sharing

“The language of art is the language of the heart.”

Simply doing this Journey–by taking time everyday to listen to the Guiding Thoughts, which focus on the heart, and drawing/coloring while doing so–answers the questions in the Guiding Thought.

The questions are the answer. Literally.

Today I am finding it incredibly humorous that 10 days ago I was aggravated with these very same questions. I was answering the questions by virtue of asking them, and totally annoyed by it. At least I realized the next day that “you do it by doing it”.

Here’s what I was thinking about today for the drawing:

There are high vibrations of Divine Love “up there”, waaaaaay “up there”, in the figurative clouds at the top of the picture. The vibrations and frequencies “up there” are waiting for us to reach up to them and pull them down.

The brown triangles are “me” (or “you” or “us”).

The tornado/spiral thing is my intention to reach up into the clouds and pull down those higher frequencies. My very intention is enough to pull them in, and once they are caught in the tornado, it conducts them right down into me.

Once “in” me, the vibrations/frequencies become concentrated, and collect in my heart-center.

From there, I am able to throw out the frequencies/vibrations of Pure, Divine Love into all the world.

I reach up, magnetize, assimilate, then extend, expand, and share Divine Love. It’s a rhythmic cycle of equal receiving/sharing. I receive. I share. What I share then returns to become again what I receive.

Everything is energy. Energy is everything. It’s all flowing into me, through me, around me. Love is all there is.

 

Healing Crisis of the Heart. (Heart- 1.1.33)

 

Journey of the Heart – Day 33
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Following the guidance of my heart, I experience life anew! As I express love, I  experience love everywhere. I find new ways to love. I recognize new depths and nuances of love. I am patient. I am kind. I am wise. I respond to life with love, as love.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

 

Sharing

Thought #1

I’ve been thinking about purpose for about a week now. This is the subject of the next Journey; yes, the Journeys overlap like this as you continue them.

What is my purpose? What am I here to do? to accomplish?

Purpose has nothing to do with any material or external situations or circumstances. In other words, it’s not about what I do. My Purpose is not to be a writer; my purpose is not to be a teacher…or healer…or mentor. My Purpose has nothing to do with what I do.

Yet, my Purpose has everything to do with everything I do. What is it that I bring to everything I do? What is the highest >thing< or >whatever< that I can bring to everything? That is my purpose.

I’ll be writing about this on February 22, the “Why” day of Journey of Purpose, so I won’t give too much away here…but, I will let you know that it has to do with Heart.

Thought #2

I’ve been going through a bit of an emotional healing crisis lately. An emotional healing crisis is similar to a physical healing crisis, but–you guessed it–with emotions.

Here’s how it works: Emotional crap enters your mind/emotions/body (toxic people or situations, stress, drama, simply having been a child, etc.). Unless you are aware and adept enough to release it immediately (and, who is, at this stage of humanity’s development?) it gets trapped in your energy field.

Often that toxic, trapped energy magnetizes similar energies, which then magnetize other similar energies, which magnetize other similar energies creating a complex, convoluted, network of intertwined energies. (so called positive energies can be mixed in, or have their own intertwining, but for now, we are looking at the toxic ones.)

When enough energy is magnetized as one particular pattern, it becomes a locus of focus. The like-energies of similar toxic situations glom together. They are often recognizable as the “negative” thoughts and actions that come out consciously or subconsciously.

You’ve heard that doing emotional work is like “peeling an onion”–you take off one layer, and there’s another underneath it. Yes. But there’s more.

In my experience, it’s more like untangling yarn. Those energy networks are the yarn, and the tangles are where networks have “tied” themselves together and gotten stuck.

Instead of peeling, it’s more like unraveling and untying. You start with an end that you can find and work backward…and you don’t always know when you’re going to find a big ol’ knot.

So, I’ve been unraveling and untying some emotional stuff recently about feeling lost, ungrounded, being unable to filter out toxic thoughts and emotions as a child, feeling suppressed and unable to express myself (also as a child), which caused me to feel hindered, limited, “caged”…and all of this childhood stuff has been coming out now as apathy (loss of creative power), anxiety, inability to prioritize tasks, which leads to immobilized, which leads to not accomplishing tasks, which leads to feeling more anxiety about not accomplishing things….

Today, I think I “found” a mass entangled knot–a place in this unraveling where several energy-threads had come together, intertwined, and then pulled really tight.

What else is there to do but release it?

What gets wound must get unwound! Unwinding, unraveling, and untying releases all that energy. The energy then has to go back out through the channels it came in on. The emotions are experienced when the energy first enters the body/mind/emotions, then they are experienced again when they leave.

I am always happy to work through emotions. Even when I can feel like a basket case when I do. At least I know I am releasing all that “stuff”.