Persevere (Heart- 1.1.35)

Journey of the Heart – Day 35
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

I bring my awareness to my heart and resonate with its love. Naturally and easily my heart-love radiates through me. Love is present now—rippling in to the future, releasing the past.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-

Sharing

5 days remaining to the Journey.

It’s been a Journey. I started in a pretty good place. I felt in-tune and intuitive. I felt connected.

Then things kind of mellowed out in round two. I felt the hum-drums, the repetition, which generally puts me in the frame of mind of “what am I doing?”, “what’s the point?”.

Then…

The past 2 weeks have been intense, probably more so than I have shared here. I’ve been not myself, so to say. It’s been a time of feeling like a weight has surrounded me. My energy, emotions, mental state have all been heavy and weighed down.

Although the overall feeling was non-specific, the emotions that came up have been about failure, derived from the uncertainty of what to do, and what to do next. Feeling overwhelmed with simple, “normal” things like working on the computer, doing laundry, or or deciding how to prioritize my work and schedule.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be self-aware. I know what I am feeling, can observe myself and how “I” am affecting me. But what good does this do, if I don’t know what to do about it?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I always know on some level that I can feel better; that I can be better. So why aren’t I, during such weighty times? Am I supposed to just wait and do nothing, or am I supposed to figure something out through rigorous analysis, practice, or other “work”? Do nothing, or do something?

I don’t know the answer. All I know is I keep going. I have my standard practices that, regardless of what’s going on, I do them. Could I do more? probably. And I do, when I can. But sometimes I don’t have the motivation, the stamina, the will power to do more. So I tell myself to be consistent with what I know, with what I do. I think this is called faith. Just keep going.

And it works. Somehow. I had a huge emotional release two days ago. At the time I felt like a basket case, was a huge mess. I was lethargic, raw, fragile, ripped open, on the verge of tears sometimes spilling over, wanted to crawl into darkness and curl up in a ball. Thank you to the support I received from family and friends who were with me in spirit, breathing with me.

The lifting began. slowly. I think I am going “up” again. I feel more myself than I have in several weeks, lighter, less weight.

I always wonder, at times like this what I did to get through it? Did do anything, or is it grace, time passing, or perseverance in the practices? Maybe all of the above.

Or maybe it’s day 35 of a 40 day Journey, and the building momentum is finding its resolution.

 

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