This is the day I provide a bit of an assessment about the “results” (if you will) of the most recent Journey– Worth. First, a recap:
- I began the Journey with the intention of having a closer/better relationship with the Holy Spirit/Shakti Energy/Divine Mother, to develop a life worthy of the Holy Spirit
- There was a lot of emotional turmoil (panic, anxiety) during the Journey
- Some themes throughout the Journey were:
- Holding on/release: when there is change and transformation, there is an inherent letting go of something in order for it to transform into something else. Regarding the panic episodes–I became aware of what I was holding onto, and not wanting to give up.
- Connection, having to do with Unity and Oneness.
How did I do, and where am I now?
The more Journeys I do, the more I see that the Journeys are both linear…and not. Like a “real” journey, they are full of unplanned places to explore, unexpected stops, meanderings, surprises, and adventures that lead to places previously unknown.
For example, on a “real” journey—let’s say—to visit my friend in Clonmel, Ireland—the linear part of the trip would be getting from point A (Newark) to point B (Dublin, then Clonmel), and visiting with my friend. This would be like working through the 40 days of a Journey, from beginning to end. But once in Clonmel…there’s so much to see and explore!
Those things constitute adventures, which may have their own unexpected stops and meanderings. In the same way, while on a Journey of Worth, I detour for a day or two to explore something like faith, or connection, or letting go. These small stops and detours do not detract from the overall journey, they are part of it, and each new experience enhances the overall trip.
It’s become common for me now to expect the detours, surprises, and adventures while on a Journey. But these things make it very difficult to evaluate a Journey, or assess it, or explain what I’ve learned, how I’ve changed, or how I “got” here.
What did my panic and anxiety teach me about worth? Do I now have a better relationship with the Holy Spirit? Do I have a deeper understanding of Shakti, the Divine Mother? What do I know now about Worth, because of what I’ve learned about Unity and Oneness? Have I changed?
Contemplating answers to these questions does not bring me solid answers. But I can tell you what I feel might be the right direction for the answers:
- What did my panic and anxiety teach me about worth? My panic and anxiety were a way of letting go of things that are worthless. On day 23, I said this: “You see, there’s this “thing” that I want. And I never want things. I always, always want God and spiritual right-mindedness more than I want things. I cannot even think of a time when I wanted something like this. It’s not like desire, or envy, or possession, or clinging to some-thing. It’s like there’s so much at stake, so much that hinges on this thing; I have so much invested in this thing.” My panic and anxiety were because I was invested in wanting things my way. I did not get it–and that was part of the learning and the letting go. Letting go of things that are worthless makes room for things that are invaluable. Also, in this lesson, I have had to reinvigorate faith.
- Do I now have a better relationship with the Holy Spirit? I think so. I believe so. If the Holy Spirit is the power or force behind all things manifest, then I have always had a relationship with the Holy Spirit–we all have, because we interact with the manifest all the time. The difference is having a conscious relationship with the Holy Spirit: recognizing the Divine Power in, through, and around everything. This is what’s new. I am at the very beginning, but I have been praying and seeking this conscious recognition and understanding more and more…and I want to continue.
- Do I have a deeper understanding of Shakti, the Divine Mother? Yes. I have been very intentionally acknowledging and learning about the Divine Mother. But also see the answer to #2, as it is very much the same here.
- What do I know now about Worth, because of what I’ve learned about Unity and Oneness? On day 16, I wrote this:
There is no living thing (even the little self) that does not share the universal Will that it be whole. Here’s how I currently understand this:
Oneness is “that place” (that is not a physical place, but more like a mental place) that is beyond the senses, beyond the body, beyond all material reality.
Oneness is (simply, ha) a shift into non-perception, into Knowing, also known as salvation or moksha or freedom.
This place can be called (and even has been called) Pure Consciousness, Pure Love.
It is “Oneness” because in that place of no-perception, Everything is simply Known as Everything.
But here on planet earth, we live with senses, in a material reality, with brains that like to categorize and think, and discern, and judge.
So we have to teach our brains to go beyond, to let go of perception, discernment, judgement, and all of its divisions.
This is (one of the) the role(s) of healing and forgiveness. In a moment of healing, we “perceive” ourselves as whole. In a moment of forgiveness, we unite with another person.
We can do this again and again and again, with every moment, with every perception: heal and forgive, heal and forgive, heal and forgive.
The more we do this, the more our little brains expand into broader perceptions of wholeness and unity. But it takes time, because our brains like to work how they work (separating, categorizing, etc), and we do not really insist on shaping our brains in a new way. The more we practice heal and forgive, heal and forgive, heal and forgive, the more our brains evolve, the faster we get beyond perception.
In other words: Oneness is the only thing that is worth anything. In Oneness is Knowing; in Oneness is Freedom; in Oneness is Pure Consciousness.
5. Have I changed? Yes. It’s a bit intangible, but I have changed. Here’s how I know: I am not thinking as much. Literally. My mind is quieter, I am not thinking about what needs to be done, I am doing…what seems right to do…and everything is getting done. I am differently motivated. In doing without thinking, I want (am motivated) to do. Doing now feels like an expression of something that is coming through me, not that I am initiating. How do I know? Because I have no clue, nor do I want to have a clue, about the results. I am not “doing something to get something”; I am just doing, and the results will be what they will be. I’m not invested in “how things will turn out”–I think this this is another effect of “having” to work through and release things associated with the anxiety and panic. I have a different relationship to Faith. When I went through all that panic and anxiety, then did not “get” the thing that all the fuss was about, it was as though something in me gave up and surrendered. The panic and anxiety began (now that I think about it) when I told God I could not do it on my own, that He had to help me because I did not know what to do, much less how to do it; I had tried everything I knew, and I did not have any clue what else I could do. All that panic and anxiety: it was God giving me what I asked for, releasing me from the last holds I had on “doing it my way”, clearing the path for Him to make things right. Now it’s up to me to keep that recognition, keep my mind right, and allow (hold on to Faith) Him to do it.
What’s really cool is that all of this leads right into Journey of Healing–which begins later today! Check in later to see those insights…
Peace and Love to you on your journey.