Tantrum -Abundance (1.5.5)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

My Inner Divine Love Presence Knows what I need or desire before I do. It is constantly providing me with ideas, material goods, situations, and interactions to fulfill all my needs and desires. I relax and allow the Presence Within to supply me with everything I need.

Reflection

I feel in a way that I have not felt in a very long time. I feel contrary, conflicted, and angry at the Guiding Thought. It’s like that part of me which used to feel that way has returned, stomping its feet, shaking its fist, denying and throwing a tantrum. It wants to think and believe that it is not getting what it wants. It wants something else…saying in effect, “My Divine Love Presence is not providing me with squat. This is not what I signed up for. How can you even think that this is what I want, or what is ‘good for me…’ Screw all y’all, my Divine Love Presence is not looking out for me.” Of course, with this attitude, there is no relaxing or trusting…

But here’s the thing, a more accurate statement is: I want to feel that way…or that part of me wants to feel that way.

I cannot confirm that I actually feel that way; but I can see the part of me that does want to feel it. It (that part) wants to rebel, wants to just be mad, wants to not believe any of this, wants to crawl back into its hole and forget about all of this expansion, evolution crap (…and that feeling has seeped in to “me”… I feel some sense of despair and hopelessness, and want to just stop doing this…what’s the point?)

The reason I don’t think I feel this way, is because when I read the Guiding Thought, I know it’s right. I can’t argue with it. I’ve gotten to a point in my prayers and communication with my Inner Divine Self/God that I say regularly, “You know my heart; you know what I need; I trust you to provide what I need, even if I don’t understand…” I’ve really gotten to a point of relaxed trust and surrender.

This, though, “even if I don’t understand”, is huge. I think, perhaps that angry tantrum-throwing part is reflecting my severe lack of understanding.

I understand very, very little. I don’t know why I’m here either in the physicality of “here” or in the existential sense of my presence on this earth.

I’ve been coming to terms with how little I understand for a long time, I guess. I’ve also been working on surrender and accepting Divine Will for a long time. Maybe this is culmination of all that?

It’s like I’m watching the child throw a tantrum from 30 feet away, while “I” stand over here, still trusting, still knowing that I am where I am supposed to be, that everything is working out how it’s supposed to… just watching that child fatigue itself with a tantrum.

 

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