Hangry Hangry Ego -Fulfillment (1.6.27)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Our Joy unifies! Accepting our Joy—acknowledging it, sharing it, and expressing it—heals us and All. To be wholly Joyful means to be wholly Love…means to be wholly our Self.

This day, first Journey of Fulfillment, 2014
This day, second Journey of Fulfillment, 2016
One year ago–
The Hum of Harmony Journey of Peace 2017– Day 24


I’ve had a very enlightening breakthrough, unlike any other I’ve experienced in 5 years of Journeying. This breakthrough is threefold.

  1. The content of the breakthrough
  2. My awareness of the content
  3. My understanding of how I have been lead to this point

All three of these go together, so here’s the story:

This begins all the way back on Day 1 of this Journey, when I was working out why this Journey is important to me. I wrote, “I must do nothing, and in doing nothing All is well. Everything is fulfilled. This, then, is Why a Journey of Fulfillment: Because All is fulfilled. All is filled full. I must do nothing. I have no goal, no sense for accomplishment, no want, no desire, beyond recognizing what is.”

This has been very difficult to maintain. Try doing nothing. Try taking no action to accomplish anything, taking no action to change a situation, doing nothing because “it’s good for you”. Try not doing anything spontaneously, impulsively, or habitually. Try to have no intention, other than living in the moment and recognizing Truth in that moment.

This is how I’ve been (not) acting. I have removed intention; I’ve removed having a goal; I’ve stopped wanting something, anything. I desire no particular outcome. Just over 3 weeks I’ve been doing this.

I feel the tug to do something. I stop myself from doing it. I feel like “this would be so cool”, and I stop myself from doing it. I think, “OH, but wouldn’t it be nice if >this happened< as a result of me >doing this<” and I don’t do it.

I can’t say it’s been hard, so much as it has taken great vigilance to recognize all the times that I want to do something in order to get something, then stopping myself. This speaks to #2 above: my awareness of  the content. I have had to really stay on top of myself, on top of my impulses, my reasons for wanting to do something, so that I could make an informed decision in the moment. 3 weeks of this, day in, day out.

Then, (this is the being lead part), I was listening to A Course in Miracles, and I heard this (I will distill this for you below…):

Everything the ego tells you that you need will hurt you. For although the ego urges you again and again to get, it leaves you nothing, for what you get it will demand of you. And even from the very hands that grasped it, it will be wrenched and hurled into the dust. For where the ego sees salvation it sees separation, and so you lose whatever you have gotten in its name. Therefore ask not of yourself what you need, for you do not know, and your advice to yourself will hurt you. For what you think you need will merely serve to tighten up your world against the light, and render you unwilling to question the value that this world can really hold for you. (Text is here.)

Often, ACIM is pretty dense, and I can only process bits and pieces of it at a time. Here are the bits and pieces that sunk in, deeply:

Everything the ego tells you that you need will hurt you…Therefore ask not of yourself what you need, for you do not know, and your advice to yourself will hurt you.

This happened maybe 3 days ago. These words have been playing over and over in my head since then.

And then I realized. This is why I must do nothing. Anything I choose will hurt me, because my wants and needs are still dominated by ego. Or, in terms of ACIM, my mind still contains conflict, and while the conflict persists I cannot choose clearly, wholly (Holy), and purely. [FYI, the solution to this, according to ACIM, is to turn decisions over to the Holy Spirit, saying something like (for example): “The Holy Spirit leads me unto Christ, and where else would I go? What need have I but to awake in Him?”]

Then, over the past 24 hours, my impulse to do something shifted. Doing, as I’d been thinking of/experiencing it, meant taking an action, something physical. Over the past 24 hours, I began recognizing mental and emotional habits that were arising in order to get me to feel or think something.

It was not immediate, but after a relatively short time, I realized these thoughts/feelings were very similar to the physical impulses I’d been aware of these past three weeks. They have the same energy signature, so to say.

They were trying to convince me that my feelings were right (righteous), and that I needed to hold a grudge, feel used/abused/confused, feel put upon, angry, betrayed, and isolated. And do you see how those feelings are pretty obviously of the lower self? And yet, there was a part of me trying to convince me that I should claim (as in act upon) those feelings. That if I just let myself feel (and feel self-righteous in those feelings), I will gain, I will get something, I will win.

Thank goodness for my vigilance of the past 3 weeks; I called bullshit, and halted the “action” associated with those feelings.

Then, just today I had another amazing realization. By doing nothing, I am starving my ego. It has no control, it has no power, I am taking away what it feeds upon. I would not have understood this, if I hadn’t just spent 3 weeks denying it food. By diligently halting all actions associated with my lower self (including thoughts/feelings), I have loosened its power in ways that I don’t think I can even understand right now. I can just feel it. My lower self is pissed off, and hungry. Hangry. And it is doing everything it can in a last-ditch effort to try to get me to feed it, to strengthen it.

Thank God for awareness, understanding, and vigilance.

I don’t know where this now will lead. There are 12 days left to this Journey. A lot can happen. I look forward to finding out, and sharing with you!

I’ll leave you with this quote, in gratitude to you, from the same page of ACIM:

Healing in time is needed, for joy cannot establish its eternal reign where sorrow dwells. You dwell not here, but in eternity… Give thanks to every part of you that you have taught how to remember you. Thus does the Son of God give thanks unto his Father for his purity.



Ways to support this work:

  1. Hire me as your Spiritual Coach, you may sign up for a personalized Journey with me Click here for more information. Or I offer 1-on-1 spiritual coaching sessions. This is non-religion specific, and open to everyone, even atheists, though of course we would call something like “self-analysis coach” for a self-identified atheist.
  2. Indulge in one of my healing services: Jharra, Reiki, Fire Ceremony (see withpearls.com for more information).
  3. Send me a monetary gift via paypal: paypal.me/SusanBillmaier (please note “gift” in the transaction).
  4. Tell a friend about this site, the coaching or healing services.
  5. Invite me to interview on a podcast or for an article.

All proceeds go toward increasing love, light, and a consciousness of Oneness in the world. Thank you for your contribution that benefits All.

These Journeys are always available on this site at no charge. I also provide Jharra, Reiki, and Fire Ceremonies at no-charge to those who ask.

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