Lessons in Forgiveness (Purpose 1.2.35)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

My Purpose is to awaken to the Truth within me and share it. The Truth within me–My Inner Divine Mind–flows constantly and purely. As I go deeper in my awareness, the current of this broadens, strengthens, and brightens. It fills me and pours forth. This is my Source, the Source of all my good, all my happiness, and all my abundance. I awaken to my Inner Divine Mind and invite It to express itself as every person and event that will increase my awareness of It.


  • Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification must happen first. (A Course in Miracles, Principle of Miracles, #7)
  • Miracles are natural expressions of total forgiveness. Through miracles, man accepts God’s forgiveness by extending it to others. (A Course in Miracles, Principle of Miracles, #21)
  • It is the privilege of the forgiven to forgive. (A Course in Miracles, Principle of Miracles, #27)

Sometimes when you invite Inner Divine Mind to express itself as every person and event that will increase your awareness of It what you get is purification.

Purification does not always feel happy, light, and blissful. Sometimes it feels like trials, tribulations, tests, or challenges. Sometimes it feels like you’re failing and falling apart, at least that’s how I feel sometimes.

I’ve had a lot of forgiveness purification lately.

First, the other day a Ricky Gervais show was playing in the background while I was doing some housework. He’s a comedian, but the particular story that began his joke started this way (paraphrased), “I got this Tweet from someone showing the horrendous way the Chinese treat dogs. They eat the dogs, and they think that torturing the animals makes the meat more tender; the Tweet was this video of two Chinese men in a public square beating, blow-torching, and skinning this dog alive…”

In general, I avoid all shows/articles/podcasts that talk about the horrors of how humans mistreat animals and the earth. I am not one of those people who needs to be “informed” by these things, and I am way too sensitive to the images and descriptions–I cry and cry, and the images haunt me for a long time.

But there it was, the mental image of a dog being tortured in China. Just thinking about it now I’m starting to cry.

The other day, I mentioned that I felt like I was grieving for humanity. This does not mean that I feel grief for humanity; it’s more that I feel the grief of all of the creatures of all the earth, and the earth herself that humanity has treated so disrespectfully, has hurt again and again and again. What we do to all, we do to ourselves, and this is our current legacy.

Thinking about that dog opened the grief floodgates. I started feeling the pain of the dog,  the pain of the whales and dolphins, of the wolves, the birds, every little being, the isolation of the earth and her creatures, the devastation that humans have wrought everywhere with our destructive, greedy, selfish ways of living.

Through tears and tears all I could think was, “please forgive me, please forgive us; I love you so much, you are so beautiful, we have done so wrong, please forgive us.” I was talking to the dog, the sea, the life in the sea, the forests, the earth, everything.

There was no relief. I did not feel comforted; I did not feel like things are going to change anytime soon; I did not feel like people are going to wake up and suddenly realize, “oh, we need to treat all of life better!” This is what I meant above, when I said sometimes it’s not always happy, light, and blissful.

Second, I was driving home the other day and a school bus stopped in front of me, and let off some kids. I observed one little African American boy, and I thought, “what a beautiful child…peace, peace, peace…take care of the little children…”

From out of nowhere, a voice responded, “Why should I take care of the little children? No one has ever taken care of me.” And the image was of that same child, now an adult, hardened by life and racism, of isolation and dis-empowerment, left to figuring out life for himself, without support, without care–being cared for.

This image was a symbol for how people feel in general. Uncared for. Isolated. Lost. Hardened. Unfeeling.

This all happened very fast, and was not like I did it, it just started playing out in my head: the next minute, my mental image was back to the child, and I was on my knees in front of him saying, “forgive me. please, forgive me.  I am so sorry that I was not there for you, that I did not protect you, that I did not care for you. I am so sorry… I did the best I could. I did not listen to you, I am sorry. Even when I did listen, I didn’t hear you. I am sorry. Please forgive me.” And I was crying, both in the mental image, and through the body that was driving home.

I knew that this body, this personality that I am, had nothing to do with that boy, or asking for his forgiveness. Again, it was symbolic. I was asking for forgiveness from every child, and everyone who has ever been a child. It felt so important to receive forgiveness, even for things I, personally, had never done to that particular boy. I wanted to go around to everyone and ask forgiveness in this way, for anything and everything, “please, forgive me–I know I didn’t do it, but you have to start somewhere, you have to begin to forgive those who really did hurt you, so just forgive me, practice with me, forgive me, please”.

Finally, both of those scenarios were about me asking for forgiveness on behalf of others (humanity, parents…). The third thing that happened was about me doing the forgiving.

There is someone in my life who is mean and destructive and petty and vengeful. Whether true or not, I have felt targeted with all of this.

Here’s what happened: I was driving (I do a lot of this work while driving, in case you hadn’t noticed), and I was thinking about forgiveness (since I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately), and out of nowhere a voice said, “You need to forgive >this person<“.

did not want to. I could feel myself clench and resist. But I knew I had to. So I started, “I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for being mean. I forgive you for not knowing what you are doing. I forgive you for your pettiness”. And I repeated those things several times.

I would like to say that I found relief. I would like to say that I felt release. But I can’t.

Purification does not always feel happy, light, and blissful. Sometimes it feels like trials, tribulations, tests, or challenges. Sometimes it feels like you’re failing and falling apart.

Right now, I’m exhausted.

Protect me from myself (Purpose 1.2.33)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

I am now fully conscious of my own Loving Presence which seeks expression through me. My own Loving Presence Knows my heart and Knows my happiness. It Knows how to fulfill my heart and bring me joy, by placing me in right situations, with right people, at right times where I may fully express my purpose. I submit my mind and heart, all my thoughts, words, actions to my own Loving Presence to be lifted to her/his vision and plan for my life.


Does my purpose have anything to do with what I am doing? How do I distinguish between actions that are (Truly) Purposeful and those that are (merely) actions? Is there such a distinction; is this a legitimate distinction?

When I am connected to (aware of, conscious of, open to) the Holy Spirit, every action is Purposeful in its highest sense. The Holy Spirit is the necessary ingredient to True Purposefulness.

This is a sub-theme of the over arching theme that I have been working with: Seeking the Kingdom of Heaven first, last, and always, or in short, “100%”.

My Purpose has nothing to do with my material circumstances, my daily activities, my job, who I work with, etc. My Purpose has everything to do with Holy Instant and how often I achieve conscious Unity with the Holy Spirit, how often I embody Christ Consciousness.

I have to let go of thinking about Purpose in terms of things I achieve–goals, tasks, etc. And instead train myself to think of Purpose as a State of Mind, of Awareness, of Being.

True Purpose is achieved only in union with the Holy Spirit. When True Purpose is achieved, all actions are Truly Purposeful, and have True Meaning.

In a State of True Purposefulness, “I” do not choose the situations, people, thoughts, words, actions that I am doing/acting. I tune in and listen to the Holy Spirit. That is my role. That is my job. That is my purpose. The Holy Spirit directs my thought, words, actions.

Until I can do this, and be in a constant state of union with the Holy Spirit (that 100%), then it’s my responsibility to submit my choices (the ones “I” make independent of the Holy Spirit), for His consecration, to be resolved and utilized in the highest way possible. This is the safeguard. This is how the Holy Spirit can protect us from ourselves, and from our mis-using our oh-so-powerful creative minds.

Thus: I submit my mind and heart, all my thoughts, words, actions to my own Loving Presence to be lifted to her/his vision and plan for my life.

And keep working toward that 100%

Lesson on the Kingdom (Purpose 1.2.31)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com


Welcome to Round 4!–we are in the homestretch now! There are only 10 days left. We’ve done so much these past 30 days; do you realize how far you’ve come? Once more, the pronouns change with this round, and we are back to using “I” as the subject of the Guiding Thought. However…you may notice that you do not feel the same way about “I” as you did in the first round after having been through “you” and “we”!

Guiding Thought

There is a Perfect Spiritual Idea of Perfect Fulfillment. My Inner Divine Presence Knows every form, experience, situation, event, circumstance, condition, relationship, and sequence that fulfills my desires. When I am diligent about maintaining my focus of desire on the loving benefit and fulfillment of all sentient beings, Divine Substance–which is the source of Spiritual Idea’s manifestation–flows through me and externalizes in my experience. Divine Presence appears as the perfect fulfillment of every single form, experience, situation, event, circumstance, condition, relationship, and sequence that I could possibly desire.


Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven, and all things shall be added unto you. (Bible, Matthew 6:33)

The Kingdom of Heaven is within you. (Bible, Luke 17:21)

The Kingdom of Heaven is you. (A Course in Miracles, Chapter 4)


I’ve written a lot about the idea of deciding 100% for God and the Holy Spirit. Once we make that decision 100%, we experience a shift from a consciousness of separation into a consciousness of Oneness; we experience Divine Perception; we experience the Holy Instant, perpetually.

This shift begins (or at least it did for me), with traditional concepts of surrender. Surrender, bears with it ideas of sacrifice or submission, and can feel scary, as though you are losing a part of yourself.

Deciding 100% for God and the Holy Spirit is more like a cooperation, a partnership; there is no loss, but a greater fulfillment, an added dimension of power to the (ego-less) personality.

I’ve been in and out of this space for a short time, going back and forth between my ego wanting to be in charge, and my higher Self wanting to choose God and the Holy Spirit 100%.  My mind has been experiencing this as a conflict, regarding a particular situation I am in.

On the one hand, my ego-self, tied to human solutions, including constructs of laws, rules, “payback”, “giving someone what they deserve”, etc., wants to charge forward using everything available to “solve” this problem. My ego-self knows it can win. It knows it can use these human constructs very effectively to get what it wants–to overcome, to dominate, to win.

And thinking in those terms felt so good. It felt powerful, motivating, successful (even before the fact).

But it also felt wrong. Part of me pointed out that human constructions cannot “solve” spiritual “problems”. If I were going to give in to using human constructs, then I would be denying the power of God, denying the flow of the Holy Spirit.

But I could also feel a part of myself wanting it to feel right. I could see a possible path of rationalization where I could make it feel right.

Do you see the conflict?

So, I went within and asked for guidance. The answer was: Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven. Seek ye the Kingdom of Heaven first, last, and always. 

What my inner-guide was telling me was that I can’t say that I rely on God, that I want to give myself to God 100%, and then use human constructs as a crutch when things don’t go my way. I must completely give up any reliance on human “solutions”. I must trust God. I must trust that when I trust God, when I seek the Kingdom first, last, and always, that His solutions are truly what I want.

It felt like a huge lesson, but one that got me even closer to that 100%.


Back to Basics (Purpose 1.2.24)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Our Inner Divine Mind is always expressing itself in all ways through our Own Loving Presence. This is its True Nature, thus this is our True Nature. We turn to our Inner Divine Mind as the Source of our happiness, purpose, and fulfillment. We allow It to flow through our Own Loving Presence and appear as all our activity, as every visible form and experience we could desire.


What do I believe? What do I want to believe? Who am I? What is my purpose? Do I believe that the Guiding Thought is actually guiding me? Is it taking me the direction I want to go?

Sometimes, I just need to do a check-in with myself. Questions like these help pull my head down, out of the clouds; they ground me, and bring me back to the very basic questions about life, and why I do what I do, why I think what I think, why I am the way I am. They ground me in me.


I know, I know, that sounds a little against the grain for someone who does these Journeys to be a better version of myself, to think with a love for all mentality, and to think in terms of a Universal One, a Divine Unity.

But the fact is, I (this body, this personality) exists in time, in 3 dimensional space, interacting with other bodies and personalities in time and 3 dimensional space. There may be Oneness here, but while we are still perceiving both time and 3D, we are perceiving difference, and separation. Time and space constructs are necessary for our learning how to no longer perceive through time and space.

We are learning to let go of perception. Perception–what we sense through our senses–is the seat of our interpretation of everything “out there” as both different and separate. “All” we need to do is to step through the perception into being our infinite and eternal selves. It only takes an instant, a “twinkling of the eye”. Here is how A Course in Miracles puts it:

What is time without a past and future? It has taken time to misguide you so completely, but it takes no time at all to be what you are. Begin to practice the Holy Spirit’s use of time as a teaching aid to happiness and peace. Take this very instant, now, and think of it as all there is of time. Nothing can reach you here out of the past, and it is here that you are completely absolved, completely free and wholly without condemnation. From this holy instant wherein holiness was born again you will go forth in time without fear, and with no sense of change with time.

If you are tempted to be dispirited by thinking how long it would take to change your mind so completely, ask yourself, “How long is an instant?” Could you not give so short a time to the Holy Spirit for your salvation? He asks no more, for He has no need of more. It takes far longer to teach you to be willing to give Him this than for Him to use this tiny instant to offer you the whole of Heaven. In exchange for this instant He stands ready to give you the remembrance of eternity. (emphasis mine)

Many times I wonder, “why am I not there yet? how long does it take? If it only takes an instant, why isn’t the instant now?”

That’s the only reason it’s a journey. Because it takes far longer for us to decide to give a mere instant to the Peace of Heaven than for the Peace of Heaven to enter our consciousness.

I believe that I am learning. I believe that I am closer to accepting the Truth of Our Inner Divine Mind always expressing itself in all ways through our Own Loving Presence.

I believe that I somehow my Inner Divine Mind is the Source of my Purpose, and as I live that Purpose, at one with Divine Mind, I am being myself, as my Self.

Each day, each step, collapses time, until I can truly give that instant to the Holy Spirit, and I will experience Heaven in the twinkling of an eye.



rme-smh (Purpose- 1.2.16)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Today, relax with confidence in the activity of your Inner Divine Mind. Allow it to express its true nature of all-sufficiency and all-supply in your life and affairs. Today, your only responsibility is to protect your own Loving Presence from thoughts that block its flow. If you feel uncertain, remember your Source; if you feel weak, remember your Inner Flow; if you feel doubt, assure yourself of your Inner Knowing and be free.


One of the main sub-themes of A Course in Miracles is how the ego believes in itself over and above God. The ego sees itself as more powerful than God. The Course calls this a belief in usurpation–the belief that we can usurp the power of God.

This belief is the cause for human fear, projection, and distortion. Understanding this is the solution to overcoming fear, projection, and distortion. The bottom line is that we cannot and will never be able to overpower God. When we let go of the idea that we can (Atonement), forgive ourselves for trying, and submit to (cooperate with), Divine Power, we enter reality and understand that all the ego’s machinations against God are non-existent because in Divine Reality, they could never happen.

 Listening to the ego’s voice means that you believe it is possible to attack God, and that a part of Him has been torn away by you. (A Course in Miracles, Chapter Five – Healing and Wholeness, The Ego’s Use of Guilt)

All fear is ultimately reducible to the basic misperception that you have the ability to usurp the power of God. Of course, you neither can nor have been
able to do this. Here is the real basis for your escape from fear. The escape
is brought about by your acceptance of the Atonement, which enables you
to realize that your errors never really occurred. (A Course in Miracles , Chapter Two – The Separation and the Atonement, The Origins of Separation)

It has taken time for me to develop my listening, so that I can hear when the ego is doing this usurpation thing in my head.

I “heard it” on the very first read of the very first sentence of the Guiding Thought. Today, relax with confidence in the activity of your Inner Divine Mind. The ego’s response was not so much words as it was a feeling of:

My little self did not want to hear anything about having confidence in Inner Divine Mind.

Funny that this is exactly what the Guiding Thought is suggesting to protect against. Today, your only responsibility is to protect your own Loving Presence from thoughts that block its flow.

One of my best friends practices Buddha Dharma and tells me often about the “I see you” game (say that like you are saying “peekaboo”). It’s a way to playfully tell your ego-thoughts that they can’t hide. When a “negative” thought comes up, pretend it’s a child doing something “naughty” and just tell it, “I see you”. This brings awareness without judgment. Seeing it angrily, or guiltily just feeds it with that energy. Noticing it playfully feeds it with transformational awareness and love.

Now aware of it, what do you do? Well, what did I do? I reminded myself of the Truth, which is that the ego cannot usurp the power of God, Divine Mind. When I believe that the ego can do this, I have put my faith in something that does not exist. When I put my faith in something that does not exist, I am inviting fear and distortion.

Then, I reminded myself what I want:

I want the certainty of Source, the strength of Inner Flow, the assurance of my Inner Knowing. I want to be free.

The combination of “I see you” and reminding yourself of the deepest truth of what you want immediately interrupt the ego’s attempts to usurp your Divine Self. Next time it happens you’ll be even more ready to interrupt and diffuse the ego.


EffervEssence (Heart- 1.1.19)

Journey of the Heart – Day 19
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Gratitude strikes your heart like a bell, resounding love through your being. Gratitude opens your heart to Love’s purity, your very own essence! Experience such deep gratitude for your heart, your essence, your ALL of Life!

Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-


There have been two times, over the past six months, that I’ve experienced “karma” or “energy” or “emotional crap” (I am not sure what to call it) lift up and leave my body/energy field.

The first time was shortly after I did the mundan, and I had done a fire ceremony. I don’t even remember what the “crap” was that I had been holding on to, but all of the sudden, I felt it evaporate. It was as though something material and heavy in my energy shifted, and floated up and out of my energy field. I felt it, and thought, “huh. That’s new”.

The second time was just yesterday. We all carry with us things we learned, or inherited through our family-line (at least we carry it…until we don’t). I’ve been noticing energies that I can identify as things that have been with me for years, that I can see having their origins in my parents, grandparents, maybe (probably) further back.

I was in one of those dunking booth moments, totally immersed in a chaotic emotion. But. I was also watching myself be immersed in the chaotic emotion: in the water and on the platform at the same time:

I felt sorry for myself. SO SO sorry for myself. “Woe is me”. “Nobody loves me”. “Nobody cares”. “If they did they’d…>fill in the blank<…” “If I were lovable someone would…>fill in the blank<. ” Boooo hooooo hoooooo.

I had been in and out of this state for a few days…no, longer… I knew the energy was “not mine”; I knew it was something that I was feeling, but it was not something I believed in, claimed, or identified with. But I was in it.

Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to do to get out when you are so deep in it. Sometimes it’s scary, cause I wonder if I will get out of it. Sometimes it feels like I want to be there, like I want to self-sabotage, and feel sorry for myself, and then I wonder what the hell that is all about.

All of this was going on in that fateful moment.

Then, the part of me that was watching myself go through the emotional contortions, finally, finally got leverage to pull myself out. I remember exactly the thought that gave me the leverage: “It’s not fair to my relatives who carry this, that I should continue it; it’s not fair to the people I project this onto.”

In that thought, I felt a profound sense of duty and obligation. Other people don’t deserve my bullshit. They may not even know, but that doesn’t matter. I have a duty to discontinue my own BS, to save others from guilt/blame/shame, and maybe even to break the chain of inherited BS.

I don’t know why I turned to the meditation that I did, but I immediately thought, “Transmute, transmute, by the violet fire, all causes and cores not of God’s desire. I am a being of Cause alone. That Cause is Love, the sacred tone.”

I said it once. And the bullshit lifted. Seriously, it was just gone. here…and then…not here. poof. In that instance, everything changed. I changed.

I continued saying the meditation a few times for good measure anyway.

I have read about how things can happen “in the twinkling of an eye”. I know A Course in Miracles talks about things like walking through the veil, or pushing aside the clouds. I’ve now had two experiences with this. It really can be that simple. Crap can just go away. Just like that. Gone.


Like a Rock (Heart- 1.1.10)

Journey of the Heart – Day 10
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

My heart-love establishes my inner-peace. Solidly grounded in my own inner-peace, I approach all of life with love, compassion, and wisdom. I live as my Self, shining with the beauty of the Love I AM.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-


What do I feel, and what do I want to feel? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Who (or what) am I becoming? What is the highest version of myself right now?

Love, peace, compassion, wisdom are who I am. When I feel assured of this, when I am able to recognize these qualities as my natural state, when I know myself as these qualities, there’s no problem.

But if my esteem is low, if I doubt, if I lose confidence, then my mind and emotions feel conflict.

Part of becoming is integrating the qualities of Love into yourself so thoroughly that there’s never any doubt, loss of confidence, or low esteem. The Love really is just who you are.

Solidly grounded.

In A Course in Miracles, there is the concept of denying the denial of Truth. Too often, what we deny are our qualities of Love, peace, wisdom, and compassion. Too often, we affirm guilt, powerlessness, fear. These things are the denial of the Love we are, the Truth of our Selves. Using denial to deny those things that deny the Truth of ourselves is correct use of denial.

Stop denying your self of Love, and start denying your self of fear.

We have a lot of practice denying our highest Self, and living with doubt, no confidence, or low self-esteem.


Solidly ground yourself in the Love and Peace you are. Don’t let anyone shake you.

Not even you.