“Bursting My Own Bubble”: Journey of Fulfillment 2.0 – Day 38

Guiding Thought

My motivation is my choice. My intention is my choice. My will is my choice. In Peace, I listen within for guidance so that my actions are motivated by joy, my intentions are love, and my Will is simply to share Joy and Love.


I’ve figured it out.

When I begin each Journey, I write down an intention, to (attempt to) get clear about what I hope to accomplish for the particular Journey. Then I spend about 35-40 days with that intention, that “goal”, working itself out in my subconscious. You have seen it: the path is not linear, it’s not obvious, and sometimes it seems like I am straying far away from the purpose, the path.

This is how I think of it (please note this is as much my imagination as it is “fact”, and probably more my imagination): My brain has been receiving sensory input since before I was born. All of that sensory input was translated into electronic impulses, which moved through my brain over synapses, creating “neural networks”. A “network” is a bundle of impulses. So, for example, I have a bundle of impulses that tells me how to type on a keyboard, a bundle that is associated with petting my cat; I have a bundle associated with doing the dishes. But, I also have a bundle that is associated with typing on a keyboard while listening to music. And I have a bundle for typing on the keyboard, while my cat is vying for my attention. And I even have a bundle for doing the dishes while listening to music, while my cat vies for my attention.

Each of these that have common elements which are all intertwined in these networks, tangled, entangled. When you throw the neural networks of emotions, beliefs, or subconscious impressions in there, you really get some tangled-ness, going back to all of the emotions, beliefs, and impressions I’ve had since before I was born.

For example, there was the time when I was doing dishes, with the cat underfoot vying for my attention while I was listening to REO Speed Wagon after having just broken up with my high school sweetheart when the dog came galloping in, chased by my brother who was shouting and carrying on, which scared the cat so that it jumped up and scratched my face, in turn, causing me to spill hot coffee down my front. After that, it took a long time to be nice to the cat, listen to REO, not be mad at my brother for chasing the dog, or even smell coffee. (This is all fiction, by the way, meant to entertain you while giving an example.)

Each of the neural associations had lasting conscious effects. While I may recover from this scenario consciously, there are still neural pathways, neural networks, that were created, which may still create some emotional stress from the trauma of it.

The individual Journeys unravel the neural networks that are associated with their topic (in this case, Fulfillment). Since most of my neural associations that are entangled are completely sub-conscious (or unconscious), the Journeys take me through a convoluted path to dis-entangle the networks in my brain. At least, the path seems convoluted, because I do not consciously have access to all of that disentanglement process.

This is what I figured out:

When I started the Journey, you may recall (WHY), I listed a bunch of affirmations that I have been working with regarding my purpose and its fulfillment.

At the beginning of the Journey, I was attached to the affirmations, and achieving their outcome.

You may be aware of some of the ideas regarding attachment (and non-attachment). If you are not, here is a lengthy, but easy-to-read essay by a source I trust. http://www.lamayeshe.com/article/chapter/chapter-six-every-problem-earth-comes-attachment

Most often attachment associated with enlightenment has to do with ego­-attachment. But people tend to be attached to things as well: families, friends, clothing, cars, good food, a job, etc., which of course is all just an expression of the attached ego.

I was attached to the affirmations: these will get me what I want. I want this particular outcome. If I just say these affirmations, I will get what I want. I want.  I want. I want. Do you see?

The Journey (and God knows…I don’t know how), showed me how my attachment to the affirmations was exactly what prevented their fulfillment, and what’s more, through the Journey, the attachment was released. For 37 days, the bubble rose; hitting the surface, it burst, releasing what was trapped within.

Spur of the Moment Buddhist : Journey of Abundance – Day 39

Copyright Tam Black 2015 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Divine abundance expresses infinitely through my own Divine Presence. When I identify with my Divine Presence, I open the floodgates, and Divine abundance flows naturally, easily, and effortlessly through me, materializing all good in my life and affairs.


I feel kind of numb today. Numb has elements of feeling indifferent, but I don’t want to feel indifferent. Indifference implies uncaring, and I care very much; thinking I don’t care feels frustrating. What is this?

Yesterday I was so optimistic and creative! I did so much (see here)! And I felt so positive about the Journey, about life, about the future! What changed?

You know what I think part of this is? I think it’s fear that “this doesn’t work” or “what if this doesn’t work.” The Journey is coming to an end, and I want something to happen. I want there to be visible confirmation that I’ve done something.

I also know that this is an attitude that repels the very thing I think I want to happen. It’s always so frustrating to be aware of things I am doing or feeling that I know are in direct contrast to what I know about them. It’s like I just watch myself doing or feeling what I know I want to evolve out of, but there I am, doing it.

Oh my…. Sometimes I can only laugh at myself. This is all part of the process. Recognizing (being aware) is a step in the forward progression and evolution. Laughing at myself feels very healing today.

Buddhism is coming in very handy today, too. It is giving me a framework to understand my thought process and to help me “just let go” (although laughing at myself has already started that!). Here is how:

First – Attachment: Attachment is one of the causes of suffering. People want; people desire; these emotional states cause suffering. As I said above, “I want something to happen.” This is a desire, an attachment.

But I can’t just say, “I want to feel something different” or “I don’t want to feel this attachment anymore,” because all that does is to replace one desire with another, and there is still suffering.

What to do?

Second – Become Mindful, or as I would say, Become Aware: I took this second step when I started writing about how I felt! I didn’t really want to write about feeling numb or frustrated, but that was exactly what I needed to look at, exactly where the emotional disturbance was. I find it uncomfortable to write about my emotional disturbances; it can be really hard to share even the smallest emotional states with people. But I also know that doing so really helps me become aware. And awareness leads to…

Third – Non-attachment is what I experienced going through this process today: Becoming aware set up a new dynamic within myself. Instead of me stewing in my emotions, feeling… feeling… wahhh- wahhh- wahhh…I began to observe myself feeling. The observation aspect was the non-attached part of me. I wasn’t invested in my emotions. I wasn’t wanting them to do something. I wasn’t judging, or thinking… I was just watching.

This set up a lot of the non-attachment qualities that Buddhists talk about when they describe mindfulness. I was simply observing the flow of emotions; I was accepting of whatever they were; I was open to what I was experiencing, I felt compassionate toward myself…as though the emotions were not “me,” but that they were just a distressed state that wanted some compassion.

I continued to feel and to stew but the act of observation instigated a new and different relationship within me, with my emotions. They were in the spotlight! My emotions became very aware of themselves. They didn’t stop, necessarily, but they began to wonder what they were doing, why they were being so dramatic.

Was today a detour? Or was today the Journey? Where does this lead? What is the end? Is there an end? Or does the Journey just continue…infinitely?