“Faceless (but not nameless) Angel”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 39

Journey of the Heart - Day 39 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 39
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Gratitude strikes my heart like a bell, resounding love through my being.

Gratitude opens my heart to Love’s purity, my very own essence!

I experience such deep gratitude for my heart, my essence, my ALL of Life!

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



I was reminded today that Journey of the Heart is supposed to be out of my mind. I was remarking about feeling “off”, feeling like I’ve been having an out of body experience during this Journey, and my dear, wise friend said, “No, just out of mind”.

It’s amazing to me, how learning new things, shifting into something new, can feel so wrong. I mean, it makes sense. I am a very mental person; it absolutely makes sense that I feel “off” being with my heart as much as I have been for the past 38 days. I am comfortable in my head, but being in my heart pulls me in ways that are simply unfamiliar. Unfamiliar can feel uncomfortable. But there’s nothing wrong, it just feels weird—but I admit, I’ve been inclined to label it as “wrong”.

I catch myself from labeling it as “wrong”, and stop, and remind myself…this is an example of little lettings-go. This is the slow, gentle process of detaching from myself.

How do I identify? Who do I think I am? A lot of my identity is wrapped up in myself as an intellectual, thinking person. And what happens when I lower the importance of that part of myself and privilege my heart? The discomfort I feel has to do with a readjustment of my self-identity, removing emphasis from my mind, giving emphasis to my heart and feelings. My mind rebels with discomfort; but the process is slow enough that I can deal with the little rebellions each day and keep going.

What’s neat is, the letting go and discomfort has been rewarded in ways that make it worthwhile. The work I’ve done, and my heart expanding has (apparently) opened me to new energies. I do several energetic healing modalities—Reiki, Rebirthing, and Jharra. Mostly, I use them for myself as “meditation” or relaxation techniques, but I also give them to friends and family. I was giving a friend Jharra, before any session I always invoke “Highest Divine Love and Light” and invite representative beings to aid and assist the session. As I was doing this, I felt this huge “rubber stamp” come down on the screen of my mind and it left the stamp “Raphael”. I thought, OoooooK… and went on with the session.

The next day in another session, the same thing happened. At the end of the session, I said to my friend, “WHO is Raphael!?” … “He’s an Archangel” … “What does he do or represent?” And I had to Google him. Apparently, it’s very much in his (outgoing) personality to announce himself in this way, and he is an Angel of Healing (Raphael means, “it is God who heals”). All of this made sense in the context.

Since then, I’ve been just thinking about Raphael, and inviting him to be more a part of my life. This is all new to me. And I like it. And I’m grateful.

“Fibonacci Fireworks”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 34

Journey of the Heart - Day 34 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 34
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Oh, my beautiful blissful heart!

How can I deepen and expand my relationship with you?

How can I give your love, your wisdom, your compassion more openly and freely?

How can I know you, my heart of love, as myself?

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



Sometimes things just don’t feel right. Sometimes we call it “waking up on the wrong side of bed” sometimes we describe it as just feeling “off”, sometimes it’s a wordless malaise that seems to seep into life through invisible cracks.

This happened to me this morning. It started with my usual morning bath. Normally, I spend 90 minutes soaking, even sleeping, with no problem. This morning, after 30 minutes I wanted to jump out of the tub. Fortunately, I am experienced enough in tub-soaking, that I know the impulse to jump out is precisely a reason to stay in. Soaking in the tub processes and heals emotions. When there is an impulse to leave, most of the time the water is processing feelings of urgency, emergency, impatience, dissatisfaction, etc. If I jump out too soon, the process does not come full circle, and the emotions are left hanging there…and when that happens more often than not they come up for resolution at less convenient times. So I stayed and soaked, wallowing in my discomfort. My solar plexus was uncomfortable. The deep little muscles in my biceps were uncomfortable. My fingers and feet wanted to shake and dance. My sternum was uncomfortable, for crying in the mud! It wasn’t as bad as, maybe, ants crawling over me, but it was close. This morning, I came up with the theory that people with “restless leg syndrome” are suffering from too much emotional urgency that they have suppressed for too long, and now the energy just needs to get out.

During this time, I thought about the book by Simone Weil, Waiting on God. What a great title to think about when feeling impatient. Wait on God. It’s so hard to wait on God when I just want to jump up and get out of this discomfort. Wait on God. Ugh. God’s not quick enough, I need to move, and forget this ever happened. Wait on God. My body is not happy about waiting on God.

Healing happens when we wait on God. Miracles happen when we wait on God. Enlightenment happens when we wait on God. Soaking in the tub is just the warm-up.

I stayed in the tub for 60 minutes—my personal minimum when I am in such a mood. I don’t think it was enough. I still felt off.

I decided on the bright spot: I was having growing pains! Expansion discomfort! Increase-of-awareness awareness! There is moving and shaking (literally!) going on, and I just need to be able to go with it and grow with it!

The Fibonacci sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144 (the title of today’s picture), is what is represented by the spiraling hearts; of course, the more well-known representation is the nautilus. It represents growth, more specifically, it represents geometric growth in near-exact proportion. This is my attempt at harnessing my decision about the bright spot in my growth-pains, and making something perfectly beautiful out of it. Growth is beautiful. Growth may cause some fireworks, but hey, they are beautiful too.