Crappity crap crap crap. -Healing (1.4.23)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for
Guiding Thought

We rely on our own Loving Presence to lead and guide us toward the meaning of healing. Seeking the meaning of healing frames all our activity and gives context to all our interactions. Though we may encounter disturbances throughout our daily activity, we lay them at the feet of our own Loving Presence and continue to ask, “What is healing”? Our own Loving Presence directs us as we listen in the stillness.


Cleansing. Purging. Clearing. Letting go. Shifting. Transmuting.

Seeking the meaning of healing frames all our activity and gives context to all our interactions is currently very very true for me.

It seems everything recently is coming up for healing. Anxiety. Trust-issues. Faith-issues. Feeling betrayed issues. Anger at myself for a particular passivity in my past. Feeling responsible, and thinking of times when I was irresponsible. Unworthy stuff. “What am I supposed to do” stuff. Anger at others for not living up to my expectations (even after I lowered my expectations). Fear of disappointment that someone else will not live up to my expectations. Inadequacy. Feeling like “I’m not doing it right”…and more!

I said to Tam earlier today, after urgently insisting that something had to be done now“I’ve got a stick up my ass today and I don’t know why”. It’s important to be able to communicate to some degree about the crap going on, so that there is no mis-communication or risk of mis-perception. I sort of knew why I was in a funk…read the above paragraph. But that was too much to deal with and have a stick up my ass. Fortunately, Tam and I understand each other when these things happen (whew).

feel like I’ve been letting go of a lot of unseen/unknown energies. Maybe karma. Maybe energetic stuff that has been trapped in my energy body. Maybe Ancestral stuff–I just re-posted an article on ancestral healing –whoa, I hadn’t even thought of that, until the article crossed my path…but it makes so much sense (and now I really want to do these meditations). Maybe just crap that has been hiding in deeper nooks and crannies.

Whatever you think in all levels of mind will determine all the various energies you draw into your systems and bodies. The darkness in your unknown mind still draws darkness to you. Therefore go into all the darknesses of your minds and release and transform it all into its inherent Light, Color, Sound, and Love. Then only will you be blessed with Internal Peace, Happiness, and ever-expanding stability. ~Joseph Barry Martin

It’s up to me to find those darknesses and clear them. It’s up to me to want to heal more deeply…and more deeply…and more deeply…until there is no more darkness.

Part of how I think about healing is exactly about A) the interconnectedness of All, and B) that there are deeper and deeper layers (nooks and crannies) to heal.

I am never healing just myself. Nothing that comes up is ever “just mine”. Everything everyone does is connected to All. Leigh says it really well in the ancestral healing article:

In a big wave of realization I felt the clearing I’ve been doing reaching down through the ancestral lines and then flowing back to heal people I don’t even know but am related to in the present…In the notion of one big web of energy, these family ties show how deeply we really are connected.  So imagine working on clearing your ancestral lineages of fear and negative beliefs and then that your clearing is energetically impacting millions of others.  Imagine a whole bunch of us doing this clearing can help to heal fear for millions upon millions of people.

We’ve got our work cut out for us. Thank you for the healing work that you contribute to All. I have so much love and appreciation for you, out there, on this path, on your own path, doing the work. ❤


Re-ordering (Purpose 1.2.32)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for

Guiding Thought

My Own Loving Presence is my Self. I turn my attention inward and become aware of my Own Loving Presence. With my focused awareness, my own Loving Presence fills me, grows brighter, and grows warmer. I claim my Self with these words:

I AM My Own Loving Presence. My Loving Presence is the Self of myself. I love my Self!

I want to give my Self everything it desires–and my Self wants the same for me. What do I desire, but total Peace, Freedom, Love, and Harmony? These are the infinite and eternal qualities of my Self! I am now aware of the inner activity of my Own Loving Presence and I invite it to express itself through me and externalize in my life as circumstances, people, forms, and events that fulfill my desires.


Lots of things in my life lately–since the beginning of 2018–have not gone “as planned”.

  • A project that I had intended to complete last month is still barely off the ground
  • I started my tax-information gathering back in November; it’s still not done
  • Weather has made in-person meetings suddenly into video-conferences
  • I put some devotional practices together, that (again weather-related) were interrupted.

I start things, they take longer to complete than expected; things come up and get in the way; things come up for other people involved, and cause delays. This seems to be happening for me in many areas.

I’ve also been a lot more non-specifically emotional these past few months. I told a friend that I felt like I was grieving for humanity. I’ll have moments of sadness and tears that have no identifiable cause. I’ll have moments of tears, and sometimes don’t even know the emotion associated with them.

A friend came over this past weekend and did a fire ceremony with me and we talked about how, during such ceremonies, people can become “a mess” and “fall apart”. When I do the fire ceremonies by myself, I fall apart regularly–tears and tears!

“Crying: the best way to wash your face”.

My friend said, “Let yourself fall apart” (“oh, I do!”); “it’s the release of ego–let it go!”

These things–things not going as planned, and tears–seem to be happening more regularly, and more frequently. I’ve been getting used to the tears for a few years now, so that’s “nothing” to me anymore. I just weep, let it out, don’t try to stop them, don’t think too hard about it, then in just a few minutes it’s over and I get on with whatever I was doing.

But the things not going as planned…that’s newer, and I’m not yet adjusted to it. I’m glad I’ve noticed it. Now, when things don’t go as planned, I can just think, “oh, here we go, this is that again” and not worry about it or think too hard.

Especially because when things don’t go as planned, they have been going just fine.

With these Journeys, we reach higher. We ask for more. We connect with the Self of ourselves, which wants to bring us everything we desire, in its highest perfected state. Sometimes that means letting go of ego, in order to receive total Peace, Freedom, Love, and Harmonysometimes that means allowing our Divine Self to literally re-order our lives in a way that brings us our deepest/highest desires.



Healing Crisis of the Heart. (Heart- 1.1.33)


Journey of the Heart – Day 33
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Following the guidance of my heart, I experience life anew! As I express love, I  experience love everywhere. I find new ways to love. I recognize new depths and nuances of love. I am patient. I am kind. I am wise. I respond to life with love, as love.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



Thought #1

I’ve been thinking about purpose for about a week now. This is the subject of the next Journey; yes, the Journeys overlap like this as you continue them.

What is my purpose? What am I here to do? to accomplish?

Purpose has nothing to do with any material or external situations or circumstances. In other words, it’s not about what I do. My Purpose is not to be a writer; my purpose is not to be a teacher…or healer…or mentor. My Purpose has nothing to do with what I do.

Yet, my Purpose has everything to do with everything I do. What is it that I bring to everything I do? What is the highest >thing< or >whatever< that I can bring to everything? That is my purpose.

I’ll be writing about this on February 22, the “Why” day of Journey of Purpose, so I won’t give too much away here…but, I will let you know that it has to do with Heart.

Thought #2

I’ve been going through a bit of an emotional healing crisis lately. An emotional healing crisis is similar to a physical healing crisis, but–you guessed it–with emotions.

Here’s how it works: Emotional crap enters your mind/emotions/body (toxic people or situations, stress, drama, simply having been a child, etc.). Unless you are aware and adept enough to release it immediately (and, who is, at this stage of humanity’s development?) it gets trapped in your energy field.

Often that toxic, trapped energy magnetizes similar energies, which then magnetize other similar energies, which magnetize other similar energies creating a complex, convoluted, network of intertwined energies. (so called positive energies can be mixed in, or have their own intertwining, but for now, we are looking at the toxic ones.)

When enough energy is magnetized as one particular pattern, it becomes a locus of focus. The like-energies of similar toxic situations glom together. They are often recognizable as the “negative” thoughts and actions that come out consciously or subconsciously.

You’ve heard that doing emotional work is like “peeling an onion”–you take off one layer, and there’s another underneath it. Yes. But there’s more.

In my experience, it’s more like untangling yarn. Those energy networks are the yarn, and the tangles are where networks have “tied” themselves together and gotten stuck.

Instead of peeling, it’s more like unraveling and untying. You start with an end that you can find and work backward…and you don’t always know when you’re going to find a big ol’ knot.

So, I’ve been unraveling and untying some emotional stuff recently about feeling lost, ungrounded, being unable to filter out toxic thoughts and emotions as a child, feeling suppressed and unable to express myself (also as a child), which caused me to feel hindered, limited, “caged”…and all of this childhood stuff has been coming out now as apathy (loss of creative power), anxiety, inability to prioritize tasks, which leads to immobilized, which leads to not accomplishing tasks, which leads to feeling more anxiety about not accomplishing things….

Today, I think I “found” a mass entangled knot–a place in this unraveling where several energy-threads had come together, intertwined, and then pulled really tight.

What else is there to do but release it?

What gets wound must get unwound! Unwinding, unraveling, and untying releases all that energy. The energy then has to go back out through the channels it came in on. The emotions are experienced when the energy first enters the body/mind/emotions, then they are experienced again when they leave.

I am always happy to work through emotions. Even when I can feel like a basket case when I do. At least I know I am releasing all that “stuff”.

Thin Skinned and Thankful: Journey of Courage 2017 – Day 08

I missed yesterday–please accept my apologies. I have never, since I started, actually missed a day–we’ve had technical difficulties, or human error, but never just outright missed a day (suffice to say yesterday was a very unusual day–practically, logistically, physically, and emotionally). When I started doing 40-day consciousness journeys, I had a “rule” that if I missed a day, I had to start over from the beginning, in order to make it through 40 consecutive days. I would actually encourage you to do that; there is a build-up of momentum that happens through each consecutive day, and if you miss a day, the momentum dissipates. For today, for this Journey, however, I’m going to just keep going.


Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for

Guiding Thought

I allow myself to connect with my pure Inner Divine Heart of Oneness. I am aware of the expression of the Divine Heart through me, as me. I connect with my heart, and am aware of embodying its pure Love intention for All.  I am filled with Joy as I embrace my heart’s Love.


Some days it takes courage just to face the day. Some days it feels like the sheath between my emotions and the outside world is a fine membrane, which could tear at any time, and the emotion would spill out uncontrollably.

I was thinking this is how the term “thick skinned” came about. When people have felt the membrane’s fragility, they “patch it”, so to say, adding a thickness or hardness over top of the emotion, so that the emotion doesn’t just spill out.

I’m ok with my emotional fragility most of the time, and I am fortunate to be friends with my tears, so that when (if) they come, they are the gentle vehicle for the emotion to spill. It has taken me a long time to be safe with my tears, and even longer to be this fragile around other people–I do not hide the emotion, it is probably written on my face, but it’s not like people pay that much attention, or that I am walking around sobbing. I just feel vulnerable and fragile; that does not mean I am vulnerable or fragile.

I prefer this to being thick-skinned. Even when I don’t know exactly what the emotion is, or why I am feeling it, I prefer this. My theory is that something is surfacing: I will be through this soon enough, and what has surfaced will be out of me! That to me is preferable to plugging it up, and leaving it there to multiply.

No, I don’t mind the emotion so much. But sometimes there is an accompanying feeling of doubt, uncertainty, and weakness. I say “accompanying”, because I can tell that I would not be feeling these secondary emotions, if I weren’t feeling the primary ones.

It’s the secondary emotions that seem to “bother” me more than just the overall feeling of vulnerability and fragility. I think this is because the secondary emotions are a result of my brain trying to interpret the primary emotions. If I could stay secluded, breathing, taking a bath, sitting with fire, allowing the amorphous primary emotions to be felt and released, then I don’t think I would even have the secondary emotions. I would simply experience the primary emotions as a healing-release, or energetic movement.

But instead, when I am living my life “as usual”, my brain is engaged. It begins telling me those emotions mean I am weak, or unworthy, or incompetent, or guilty. “No”, I tell my brain. “These are just emotions; they do not mean what you say they mean”. But this is hard; there are parts of me that still believe my brain. There are still emotions that–deep down–I associate with, even though I know they are not true at my deepest levels.

This is when doing a mental spiritual practice, like these Journeys, becomes very difficult for me.

That part of my brain which is interpreting my feelings as weak, unworthy, incompetent, or guilty is very much at odds with the part of my brain that is telling me of Love, that is connecting me to my heart.

This is when I begin to wonder how I could ever be worthy of succeeding in spiritual goals? How am I strong enough to do anything that is as enormous as working toward unification with the Divine, with Knowing Eternal Peace, with expressing Infinite Abundance, with Oneness with ALL? Who am I to even attempt this? How do I go about it? Why should I even try?

It’s times like this when spiritual effort feels meaningless; it feels like there is no progress, only futility.

But I know

and I Know that I Know

that it is exactly these times when any bit of spiritual effort is exactly what is necessary to releasing and advancing.

Any bit of effort that I make on behalf of my spiritual progress will be used to obliterate the obstacles, and my Divine Helpers will add their assistance to my effort. It’s up to me to make the first effort, and to keep myself moving in the right direction.