Journey of Purpose 2.0: Afterword

What was this Journey about? How did I do? Did I accomplish anything? Did I get “further” on the Journey? This is me in my personal debrief mode, being self-analytical, doing a self-assessment, being (dare I say) self-critiquing (Do you know the difference between a criticism and a critique? The first one finds faults, the second assesses the “what is” in a neutral way, and looks for ways to improve).

I’ve been in debrief mode for almost a week and it has scared me. Not that I actually recognized my fear; I had to “stew” this long for Love to slowly reach in and pull me out–it had too! I have another Journey starting in a couple of days! I need to resolve this one.

The fear was because in all those question above, I was coming up short; that is “I” was coming up short–that is the “I” that identifies with the relative world, the “I” that is not eternal, the “I” that worries and blames and feels guilty. For all of my effort, the voice of the critical “I” still influences me.

But that is good! If I hadn’t done this Journey, and taken this rest, those self-critical voices wouldn’t have had this opportunity to poke up out of my subconscious and tell me where they stand.

At first, I only heard the voices as they were telling of my shortcoming for this Journey. They said things like, “See, you still don’t know what your purpose is, you failed this Journey”… “What did you really accomplish? –NOTHING!” “How come you’re not any better off now than when you started, there’s really no point to any of this…”

But then, with the help of my home-sounding-board (which doubles alternately as my shoulder to cry on, my comic relief, my voice of emotion [because I have a good voice of reason], and my gentle-nudge when I need a swift kick in the arse), I realized these voices sing an old tune. They are part of the larger pattern of me being too hard on myself.

And that’s when it all came together. I realized that sometimes, I put too much into the becoming and not enough into the being. In other words, I think about who I want to be, where I want to be; I think about my goals, my potential, my infinite Self that I am striving to become. AND YES…I always fall short. Everyone ALWAYS falls short in the face of Eternal and Infinite. This (again) is part of the paradox of enlightenment.

We will never achieve the infinite. That is the nature of “infinite”–there is always more. That’s why we need to be happy with being.

And that is how it all came together. I realized I really like BEING myself. No… not my Self, not that Self of infinite love and kindness, the one all these Journeys are about– I like my little self. I like my personality. I like my thoughts. I like who I am in the world. I’m a good person. I help people. I am kind. I treat people well and with respect. I smile, I laugh, I sing, I dance. I am abundant enough for a beautiful home, good food on the table, nice clothes, and an occasional splurge (like the new food processor I bought last week). And I realized that with all of my striving, with all of my “eye on the prize”, “gotta be better”, “gotta evolve”, “gotta do…whatever…”, with all of that, there was an underlying feeling that now is not good enough. I am not good enough, now. The “good enough” was always at some point in the future, which I’ll never attain, because there’s always more.

[May I just point out: the next Journey is Worth. Do you think that these feelings of “not good enough” are coming up now coincidentally? I don’t think so. This all works together in ways I really do not understand!]

On the very first day of Journey of Purpose, I wrote this, and now know I have come full circle, completed this Journey…accomplished…something:

“After I wrote the Why Journey of Purpose, in which I talked a lot about feeling sad at the cruelty in the world, wanting to rise above and assist, and wanting to find love and compassion for those who have so little love that they need to act cruelly, this was sent to me (a part of a much longer letter):

Please, dear Susan, love yourself. As you know, this is our biggest lesson. Everyone is our teacher as we are theirs. Sometimes the teacher is kind and loving and sometimes the teacher is harsh. But everything and everyone exists for our divine benefit, and every pair of eyes we look into are our own. It is a time on our planet when the consciousness has been raised enough that people realize that they have the power (through God’s grace) to manifest the life they want. We are all creators because we were created by a creator in His/Her likeness.

And after that, I was listening to prayers and one of them said this:

As with all things in the Universes, True Joy can only come from deep Self-Realization; Awareness and Love of the Other can only come from deep reflective Self-Love.

The name of the game is love. Always has been. Love yourself, love your Self, love yourselves. “

 

“Here I Am… “: Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 40

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

The world awaits my expression!  I am here to align with my purpose, participate with life, and share my Self. With each moment I spend cultivating My Own Loving Presence to be attuned with my Inner Divine Mind’s expression, the more I encounter the Perfect Spiritual Idea in my life activities. I choose to be aware! I choose to understand! I choose to know! I choose Life.

 

Sharing

I think memories of some of my past lives are surfacing. The memories are not in my head, they are more like feelings in my body, beneath the surface; feelings that are vague and amorphous, yet are so familiar, but also not anything I can identify from this life.

They are feelings of being an initiate–someone on the path of learning to become a spiritual master. They are telling me of an ancient time, in a temple or even a pyramid. They are telling me of a time when it took an entire lifetime to advance one small step.

I’ve been here before. I’ve been on this path so many times. I’ve worked lifetime after lifetime to learn and advance myself spiritually, for the benefit of all. It’s all so familiar, waiting, not-knowing, the need for patience with the prerequisite of submitting to the process. There is melancholy and sadness, there is resignation underpinned by determination, there is quiet and stillness, and there are slow, deliberate movements; this is what I feel-sense-remember.

Here we are on the last day of the Journey and I have no answers, only melancholic “memories” guiding me. But I do feel a calm resignation to the process, with an intuitive acceptance of this is it. The Journey is the purpose; the process is the purpose.

It’s so familiar; I’ve done this before in so many ways, I can do it again…I am doing it again.

I spent so much of this Journey trying to see the expression of my purpose in my life activities, like the Guiding Thought says. On this Journey, I never (even now) felt like I could identify it “out there”, in my life activities (and of course, I know better than to look for it “out there…”). I’ve felt like there’s something wrong, that it should be different, that I should be different. Aren’t I supposed to see results?? Isn’t that what the Guiding Thought is saying, that stuff is supposed to show up in my outer world that is in alignment with my spiritual progress?? What am I supposed to see? What is supposed to show up? (That’s me from this lifetime–impatient, wanting it now, aggravated; I have lessons I am still working through!)

But no. This is exactly it. I am exactly where I should be. This feels right. Even having no answers at the end of the Journey, it’s right. I feel so certain that no answer is somehow an answer; I just have to continue; the continuing matters. I am here to be deliberate, to be determined, to be steadfast, no matter what. The process is the purpose.

What if I were to spend this lifetime taking only one small step, experiencing nothing more than resigned determination?

That would be a lifetime well spent.

 

***Journey of Worth begins April 15! Take the next two weeks to really be gentle with yourself (I know I am going to). Do it consciously. Treat yourself well! Appreciate yourself! Feed yourself good food…“Worth” can be a difficult Journey–who values themselves enough? This is one aspect I’ve worked on for a long time, and I have a long way to go. And, I am looking forward to it! Stay tuned in the next week or so for the debriefing of Journey of Purpose, then we’ll be ready and raring to go for Worth!

“Organized Goo”: Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 39

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

I am. I am Love. I am kindness. I am filled-full. I have all I seek, for all I seek is within me. Now I can be who I know I am. I share my Self with all and hold nothing back; I give All Love. The Fullness of my Self returns to me as every form, person, situation, circumstance, and event that renews my fullness. I need not worry or think about what may be…my Self Knows and orders my life for my perfect fulfillment. All I need do is remember my Self.

 

Sharing

Currently, I think the part “…all I need do is remember my Self” is a bit misleading. As though, if I just tap into it, remember hard enough, form a clear enough picture in my head, suddenly the transformation will happen and I’ll be my Self. It’s like saying the remembering is what matters, as though the remembering is all there is to it.

Not that there’s not some truth to it; I do think the remembering is part of it, the first step. But it’s a little like saying to a caterpillar, “All you need to do is remember you are a butterfly”.

It discounts the metamorphosis.

Do you know what happens when a caterpillar goes through metamorphosis? It literally digests its own body, releasing enzymes that dissolve its tissues, leaving only cells, turning itself into organized cell goo. Then all that cell goo multiplies and re-forms into a butterfly.

A caterpillar cannot simply remember, “I’m a butterfly” and so be it. A caterpillar must transform itself to become what it knows it is.

If the caterpillar is symbolic of “me-now”, representing who I am, what I am, how I am, then Journeys (and any of my other practices) represent me digesting myself, turning myself into organized goo, and reforming myself. Remembering in this case, means to hold onto a vision of the future, of what I am to become, because it is what I AM and what I am to become.

Do you get a bit of a sense of the enlightenment paradox going on here?

The work of metamorphosis occurs in a cocoon, barred from outside influences, invisible to others’ eyes.

The butterfly emerges

“In the twinkling of an eye”,

And so it is,

Become

What it always was.

I love caterpillars. I love myself. I love who I am, what I am, and how I am. “In my world, I am perfect and beautiful” (to quote Rangimarie Turuki Rose Peri); currently that’s “organized goo”.

 

“Gleam in Its Eye, Bright as A Rose!”: Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 38

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Today I erase all I think I know of my Inner Divine Mind. I am changing. I am changed. All is new. With a blank slate of pure luminescence, I wait, simply feeling my inner glow.

Transformation!

I want this. I invite this. I welcome this!

I allow myself to change, to become more attuned to my Self, more aligned with my Self, and more congruent with my Highest Purpose.

As I wait and watch my Highest Purpose appear in my activities as people and circumstances, I breathe, I smile, and I live.

 

Sharing

There is an ongoing theme, a carryover if you will, from Journey of Courage which is: I don’t know everything. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true–even I have to remind myself sometimes that my knowing is limited and finite (at least for now).

But isn’t it cool to think that somewhere within me I do know? My Inner Divine Mind communicates with me–and it wants to communicate with me! And, if I listen and pay attention I can hear it, see it, and see its interaction with me. It becomes tangible and palpable–just not always in the way I think.

This is why I have to erase, erase, erase. Every time I erase, I open myself up to hear Inner Divine Mind more purely, without the clutter of my preconceptions.

No, I don’t do this well, at least not recently. I have been belligerently stubborn about digging my heels in and wanting “it” the way I want it.

But I think it’s coming to an end (on day 38? Maybe I will get some reconciliation on this Journey!). Yesterday, I was faced with a situation (a scenario within the string of scenarios toward which I have been belligerent), and I heard myself think, “If it be Thy Will…”. Wait, what? Did I just think that? Yes! Yes! I did!! What a surprise, because recently, my thoughts have been, “I want this my way!” How wonderful when I think differently without having to try to make myself think differently.

This is evidence of a shift, my friend.

Last week someone said this to me (paraphrased): “Moving every little atom and molecule into place for the perfect outcome can take some time–you have to let it work itself out and be patient. You are like the caterpillar almost ready to turn into a butterfly; your transformation is almost complete”.

He really said that. Now: go to my Facebook page. Really. https://www.facebook.com/susan.billmaier and look at my cover photo. That cover photo has been there since November 7, 2015, the day after I wrote about the peacock and the caterpillar.

And finally, this came across my screen just this week:

creator unknown... If we ever find out we'll credit!
creator unknown…
If we ever find out we’ll credit!

I am just SO excited about what it could all mean!! Patience. Patience. Patience. It will just appear, like a thought transformed without trying.

“This One’s for You”: Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 37

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Of myself I am nothing, yet in union with My Inner Divine Mind, through My Own Loving Presence, I am everything and have everything. As I infuse my consciousness with Knowledge of my Inner Divine Mind, my activity expresses this Union and I experience life. I breathe in this life. I smile with Joy and gratitude, and I affirm: I LIVE.

 

Sharing

[This was ALL SET to go yesterday, but apparently IT needed to stew some more, because I completely forget to actually hit “publish”. You know how that works, when you’re all set for something and the universe says, “Uhhhh, nope, not yet”. So today, you get yesterday’s (day 37) and later you get today’s (day 38). It’s a sign! But of what? Of what? Yesterday’s entry was predictive…]

In spite of myself My Inner Divine Mind works with me and flows through me. Despite my railings, my impatience, my aggravation, it’s there. It waits. It sends me messages. It waits some more.

How do I know? Because people show me. When I am having trouble feeling my own union with My Inner Divine Mind, someone else’s Loving Presence speaks to me. Sometimes that Loving Presence says, “Snap out of it!” Sometimes it gives words of encouragement in a comment, sometimes it’s words that say just exactly something* that nudges me ever so gently to listen closer.

This is a way, I think, of recognizing the truth of the Guiding Thought. But I should change the words a bit: “Of myself I am nothing, but in union with Your Inner Divine Mind, through Your Own Loving Presence, I am shown I am everything and have everything.”

We are so important to each other, those of us traversing the upward spiral, making the trek, taking the journey (whichever path or journey that is), listening to the Inner Voice, following the Inner Guidance. We support each other, strengthen each other, whether we know each other or not. We are this life; we are in union through Life.

Right now, that’s enough for me to simply breathe, to smile with Joy and gratitude, and to affirm: I LIVE.

 

*”When I have “problems,” the problem is always that I am fighting reality.  The problem is always that I think things should be different than they are.  I have judged and found the situation lacking in some way.  My ideas (my ego’s ideas) are that God’s version of things is not up to snuff.  This is a lesson about realizing that the only “problem” is that I have judged and found the perfection of what is to be lacking.  I have omitted love from the equation…Everything becomes a path to greater love, even stuff I think should be different than it is.”        -Nancy Bowers

“Significant Insignificance”: Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 36

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Today I relax with confidence in the activity of my Inner Divine Mind. I allow it to express its True Nature of all-sufficiency and all-supply in my life and affairs. Today, my only responsibility is to protect My Own Loving Presence from thoughts that block its flow. If I feel uncertain, I remember my Source; If I feel weak, I remember my Inner Flow; If I feel doubt, I assure myself of my Inner Knowing and I am free.

 

Sharing

I am very thankful for all of you who are here with me. Sometimes I need all of myour energy to do this, to figure it out, to remember patience, to remember to relax, and to take the next step.

My subconscious has been showing me a lot of movement over the past 12 hours. Perhaps it is leading me to movement?

The first thing it showed me was the geometric spiral nature of certain hand/arm movements. There is a way that you can move your arms so that it performs a figure 8 movement. Try it–just keep your palm facing up and move your arm in a “circle”–it will naturally make a figure 8. Now do it in a large movement, beginning (palm up) with your arm at a 90-degree angle off your shoulder and ending with your palm up over your head (hold a golf ball in your hand if you need to and don’t let it fall off!).

If you then imagine connecting 3 points of that movement, it is in the same movement as a sine curve. And, if you connect the fourth point to the third point, it follows the movement of 1/2 a sine curve that is twice as big as the first one. I know–that’s really hard to follow without pictures, and I’m not going to do all the pictures right now, but trust me, it was one of those, “Ahhhhhh” kind of things. (If you want to explore this further, check out my resource page on the Spiral Dance–I’ll be adding the pics there at some point!).

Once I started thinking about the spiral nature of these movements, I thought about Da Vinci’s Vitruvian man. The Vitruvian man shows us proportions and ratios of the human body, which means there is a proportion and ratio to the spirals that we make with our arms/hands. I wondered if there was any correlation to PI or PHI or the Fibonacci sequence or… any of that stuff. And, I wondered if there is any correspondence between these larger movements and the spiral of our double-helix DNA. What about the macrocosm-microcosm phenomenon? What about another fractal-relationship within our own bodies? I don’t know; I don’t have these answers. I couldn’t find anything online that could tell me if my thinking had ever been thought before. But I am going to explore this….

The second thing my subconscious showed me was an interlocking gear-system (like a flywheel) of TIME –specifically the TIME for doing these Journeys.

You know how the Mayan Calendar works, right? There’s a small, daily “gear” that clicks through each day, then after a certain number of days, it makes a bigger “gear” click once; then after that bigger “gear” has clicked through a certain number of times, it makes an even bigger “gear” click…JOP36-1

JOP36-2

That’s how I saw these Journeys. Each day is a notch on the smallest gear, after 10 days of one round, a second gear clicks through; after four rounds, that gear clicks another larger gear; after that larger gear clicks through 7 times (365 days, one year of Journeys), it clicks once…and so on.

It made me realize how tiny and relative one day is. This day is nothing in the great movement of Time. To Time, now is nothing. And I started thinking about perspective and Time. Why get riled up when Time just keeps going? Why worry? This one day on this one Journey will be as nothing when I have done the Journeys for five years, and even less than nothing when I have done the Journeys for 30 years. Where will I be in 30 years? Today is relative, oh so relative.

This then brought up two final thoughts.

1) My favorite saying: Nothing Matters. Why is it my favorite saying? Because in two words, it tells us how IMPORTANT everything is, and how INSIGNIFICANT everything is. Do you see?

2) This Julia Roberts video, which I saw for the first time a few days ago, also shows us both our importance and our insignificance. Julia Roberts as Mother Nature: https://youtu.be/WmVLcj-XKnM

Be well. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Be the love you are. Strengthen each other. Thank you for being here.

“Snap out of It!”: Journey of Purpose 2.0 – Day 35

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

My Purpose is to awaken to the Truth within me and share it. The Truth within me–My Inner Divine Mind–flows constantly and purely. As I go deeper in my awareness, the current of this broadens, strengthens, and brightens. It fills me and pours forth. This is My Source, the Source of all my good, all my happiness, and all my abundance. I awaken to My Inner Divine Mind and invite it to express itself as every person and event that will increase my awareness of it.

 

Sharing

Enough of this gentle “awaken” crap. I want to just slap the shit out of being asleep and wake the hell up.

I’m a bit riled up today. I feel a bit angry, a bit impatient. Can you tell?

How am I supposed to encourage you to be the Truth within you and let your Inner Divine Mind flow, when I can’t do it for myself? Is this hypocrisy? Is it process? Am I being as authentic as I can be? What more can I do? Is there more to do, or is there just continuing? Am I only frustrated because I think I want something else? Am I standing in my own way? Is my mind my problem? Are old patterns and expectations my problem? Am I only impatient because I (think I) want something I have defined that is not aligned with God’s plan for me?

There are a lot of teachings that talk about the flimsiness of the illusion, the narrowness of the gap, the thinness of the veil (between the Real reality of us and the relative reality of what we experience). Sometimes (like today), it’s as though I can see how flimsy, narrow, and thin it is, but I just can’t get through it, across it. I know how absurd my anger and impatience are; I know this is just part of the process; I know I am the expression of My Inner Divine Mind…but I feel like my experience is not full, not what it’s “supposed” to be, not what I want it to be. And I don’t know if I should push and try to get through the veil, over the gap, or if I should just wait…patiently.

Easier said than done: Either way, whether I should push or wait, easier said than done.