“Crazy-Eyes Puff Ball”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 37

Journey of the Heart - Day 37 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 37
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

I focus my heart-love in the service of others.

As I serve others through my deepest heart-love, my own love expands and becomes amplified.

There is always more love to share, to give, to experience!

Such joy and gratitude fill me, when I open to my heart’s love!

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



I guess “crazy-eyes” is what happens when I trace a bunch of infinity signs and add spirals around them. I wasn’t trying to do another crazy eyes; I just like infinity signs and spirals. The purple in the middle is infinity signs, symbolizing my heart-love focused in the service of others, infinitely. The blue infinity signs represent my own love expanding and becoming amplified. My love expands out from the action of being in service to others. The greenish, gold, and pink represents the energy that is generated from the expansion of my love. Then, when it expands far enough, it explodes in flares, spewing love out to everything!

What’s interesting, of course is that if the middle represents infinite love and service, infinitely, and the explosion represents the love going out infinitely, then love is coming out from infinity and going back to infinity.

I love infinity.

I should say that I love concepts that can make my head feel like it might explode if I think about them too long (like infinity).

The other day, I thought to myself, “What are God’s thoughts…what are the thoughts of God?” and I just sat there and thought about God’s thoughts. This is what I came up with, before I felt too much like my head was going to explode:

ING image release,13 December, 2013 Planetary Nebula Sh2-71 Photo courtesy of the Isaac Newton Group of Telescopes, La Palma
ING image release,13 December, 2013
Planetary Nebula Sh2-71
Photo courtesy of the Isaac Newton Group of Telescopes, La Palma

I think God probably does not think in words…they are too limiting. The image I had in my head was not static, however, it moved; it was dynamic, there was swirling and shifting and waves and billows. It only lasted a couple of seconds, but it was a great thought-experiment; it felt expansive, like I really was somehow “getting” an answer to my question.

Sometimes I ask myself what Jesus thought, or what Jesus prayed. This feels a little more accessible than asking what God’s thoughts are. We know Jesus prayed. And we know Jesus taught us the Lord’s prayer. But is the Lord’s prayer what Jesus himself used to pray? Or is it the prayer he gave to the masses, because so few have eyes to see or ears to hear? I am inclined to think he prayed differently than the way he taught us. I mean, if he actually prayed in the way he taught us, and his prayers were answered, and we are using the same prayers as him, then why can so few of us multiply loaves and fishes, heal the sick, walk on water, or raise the dead?  So what did Jesus pray? Or, what are we missing? And, even more…how do we figure it out? After all, He said, “All of this and more than this shall you also do…”

I ask the questions so I can figure it out. I believe Jesus; I really think he was telling the truth about what we are capable of. If we’re not doing it, there’s just something we’re not getting. But we can.

“Harvest”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 36

Journey of the Heart - Day 36 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 36
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

I listen to my heart and with my heart.

My heart pays attention to others, listening to their inner voice, their unspoken words.

I care, and attend with love to their deeper, silent needs, asking their heart, “How may I strengthen you and raise your energy?”

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



Everyone has what is today known as “self-talk”—the voices in your head, mostly mimicked from past authority figures telling you about yourself. I’m reading the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson, and Vin, the protagonist, “hears” the voice of her dead brother, Reen, telling her, “If you trust anyone they will betray you.” “Ruthlessness is the most practical of emotions.” “The only reason to be subservient to those with power is so that you can learn to someday take what they have.”

Unfortunately, like Reen’s words, most self-talk is self-destructive, self-punishing, or self-denigrating.

When we hear other people’s self-talk, we can usually recognize it and say to ourselves something like, “Well, that’s not really true, that’s just something you tell yourself.” Would any of you believe trusting always leads to betrayal, or ruthlessness is a practical emotion? Probably not, but Vin (at this point in the story) believes these things; they are part of her life-outlook.

But, people tend to believe their own self-talk. Most of the time it’s been given to them by other people they trust and probably, most of the time, those people have given those words to help. Reen told Vin these things to protect her.

Today’s Guiding Thought is about listening to your heart, then caring about others enough to be willing to listen to their hearts. What if when you listen to your heart, instead of hearing its love, you hear your own self-talk?

That’s sort of what happened to me this morning. I couldn’t make the coffee. I failed at making coffee. It was probably karma coming back to bite me. The

If I could make out the name on this... I would credit it! "Sweatpants & Coffee"
If I could make out the name on this…
I would credit it!
“Sweatpants & Coffee”

other day, a friend of mine posted this picture, along with the comment, “No I can’t. That’s why we have a coffee maker that I can fill & program the night before to make coffee for us the next morning”. When I saw this, internally, I was laughing at her, “Really? You can’t make coffee before coffee?? HAAAAAAA!”

But this morning, I could not make coffee. Three times. I made coffee three times and each one was a failure. First one was too weak, the second one, I forgot to put the carafe under the spout so it spilled all over the counter, and the third one, the filter folded down so the coffee was weak and had grounds in it. I thought, “I am a failure. This is so simple, and I’ve failed. How can I not be able to make coffee??”

My self-talk was about failure. I could feel it. I could feel that on some level, I was telling myself I was a failure. I knew, consciously I was just giving myself a hard time, but there was something more subtle going on.

But I recognized it, thank God. And I changed my dialogue.

One of my personal favorite thoughts is, “I learn things quickly”. I pay attention to lessons life is trying to teach me, and I learn—quickly. My philosophy (borne from experience) is if I learn things quickly and easily, life does not have to bang me over the head. Think about it: if you don’t get it the first time, it comes back more severely…and more severely… until you start to listen and get it. I listen and learn as quickly as I can, because I really don’t like hard lessons.

So when I couldn’t make the coffee this morning, I thought, “This must be something I need to pay attention to. This is SO easy, and I am not getting it! There must be something deeper I need to learn, something subtler than just coffee.”

Now, I am paying attention. What lesson am I learning? What is the coffee teaching me? I am successful. I will not allow coffee to tell me otherwise!

This song from Godspell went a long way to strengthen my thoughts about learning things quickly…enjoy!

“I can see a swath of sinners sitting yonder and they’re acting like a pack of fools—gazing into space and let their minds wander instead of studying the good Lord’s rules you better pay attention, build your comprehension. There’s going to be a quiz at your ascension. Not to mention any threat of hell, but if you’re smart you’ll learn your lessons well.

Every bright description of the promised land mentions you can reach it if you keep alert. Learning every line and every last commandment may not help you but it couldn’t hurt. First you gotta read ‘em, then you gotta heed ‘em.. You never know when you’re gonna need ’em Just as old Elijah said to Jezebel, you better start to learn your lessons well.”

“Frequency Rising “: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 35

Journey of the Heart - Day 35 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 35
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

I bring my awareness to my heart and resonate with its love.

Naturally and easily my heart-love radiates through me.

Love is present now—rippling in to the future, releasing the past.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



The movie the Odd Life of Timothy Green came out in 2012. It’s about a couple who can’t have children, so they accidentally “wish” for one, burying a small box in the backyard which contains every attribute they want in their child written down in it—everything they could wish for. A boy suddenly shows up who exhibits everything they wrote down! Their every wish come true!

The movie is about fulfillment and loss, with one lesson in “be careful what you wish for”.

There is a lot of talk these days about the energy of attraction, magnetizing, manifesting, and generally using energy to get what you want. I’m in. I like figuring this stuff out as much as the next person.

But, I don’t see a lot about the caveat “be careful what you wish for”. It almost seems like quite the opposite, as though people think when they learn this attraction-magnetizing stuff all their problems will be solved and they can have whatever they want. Maybe that is right and I just haven’t figured it out yet. But, maybe there’s more to it.

Here’s what I mean. Let’s say for example someone says, “I want to be a millionaire by the time I’m 30”. This person then proceeds to work 80 hours a week, sucking up to anyone who they think will give them tips (monetary or intellectual) or money, and treating anyone else as inferior. The work hours take their toll on this person’s health, and they certainly don’t have time for friends or a meaningful relationship. They’ve made their first million by age 30…but at what cost?

I have no doubt that we can manifest what we put our minds to. I just think it’s important to think about implications and consequences, for ourselves and others, as we do.

It’s a really good reason to use the phrase, “with free will and for the highest good of all”.

This is a protection phrase. When you add it to your “I want” statement, it assures you nothing is going to come back to harm you or others (not “bite you in the ass”, in other words). It protects you from yourself and protects others from any action you may take through ignorance or thoughtlessness in your pursuit of getting what you want.

If I have to hurt anyone to get what I want, why would I want it anyway? There’s already too much of that in the world.

We are setting the stage for ourselves to move forward in this year of Journeys. The heart always wants the highest good for all. The heart always wants your-my-our highest good. In the heart, this is natural; in the head, we have to use the words, literally to think it as a tag line so that our minds get on board with what is already natural for our hearts: With free will and for the highest good of all.

“Fibonacci Fireworks”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 34

Journey of the Heart - Day 34 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 34
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Oh, my beautiful blissful heart!

How can I deepen and expand my relationship with you?

How can I give your love, your wisdom, your compassion more openly and freely?

How can I know you, my heart of love, as myself?

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



Sometimes things just don’t feel right. Sometimes we call it “waking up on the wrong side of bed” sometimes we describe it as just feeling “off”, sometimes it’s a wordless malaise that seems to seep into life through invisible cracks.

This happened to me this morning. It started with my usual morning bath. Normally, I spend 90 minutes soaking, even sleeping, with no problem. This morning, after 30 minutes I wanted to jump out of the tub. Fortunately, I am experienced enough in tub-soaking, that I know the impulse to jump out is precisely a reason to stay in. Soaking in the tub processes and heals emotions. When there is an impulse to leave, most of the time the water is processing feelings of urgency, emergency, impatience, dissatisfaction, etc. If I jump out too soon, the process does not come full circle, and the emotions are left hanging there…and when that happens more often than not they come up for resolution at less convenient times. So I stayed and soaked, wallowing in my discomfort. My solar plexus was uncomfortable. The deep little muscles in my biceps were uncomfortable. My fingers and feet wanted to shake and dance. My sternum was uncomfortable, for crying in the mud! It wasn’t as bad as, maybe, ants crawling over me, but it was close. This morning, I came up with the theory that people with “restless leg syndrome” are suffering from too much emotional urgency that they have suppressed for too long, and now the energy just needs to get out.

During this time, I thought about the book by Simone Weil, Waiting on God. What a great title to think about when feeling impatient. Wait on God. It’s so hard to wait on God when I just want to jump up and get out of this discomfort. Wait on God. Ugh. God’s not quick enough, I need to move, and forget this ever happened. Wait on God. My body is not happy about waiting on God.

Healing happens when we wait on God. Miracles happen when we wait on God. Enlightenment happens when we wait on God. Soaking in the tub is just the warm-up.

I stayed in the tub for 60 minutes—my personal minimum when I am in such a mood. I don’t think it was enough. I still felt off.

I decided on the bright spot: I was having growing pains! Expansion discomfort! Increase-of-awareness awareness! There is moving and shaking (literally!) going on, and I just need to be able to go with it and grow with it!

The Fibonacci sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144 (the title of today’s picture), is what is represented by the spiraling hearts; of course, the more well-known representation is the nautilus. It represents growth, more specifically, it represents geometric growth in near-exact proportion. This is my attempt at harnessing my decision about the bright spot in my growth-pains, and making something perfectly beautiful out of it. Growth is beautiful. Growth may cause some fireworks, but hey, they are beautiful too.

“The Tree is Still a Tree”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 33

Journey of the Heart - Day 33 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 33
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Following the guidance of my heart, I experience life anew! As I express love, I  experience love everywhere. I find new ways to love. I recognize new depths and nuances of love. I am patient. I am kind. I am wise. I respond to life with love, as love.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



You may be asking yourself “what the >bleep<?”, as you look at this picture. I understand. It appears very chaotic, doesn’t it? Very different than the Guiding Thought would indicate. So let me tell you about it.

This is a picture of a tree.

It comes from a saying a Buddhist friend of mine has used “The tree is still the tree”. I don’t know if the saying has actual roots in Buddha Dharma, but the idea is this:

Every day as we go through life, we see things through our mundane existence, which provides us with a mundane interpretation of all our experiences and interactions. But we don’t really notice that it’s mundane, because we don’t have anything to compare it to; it’s just life as we know it.

Then, when we gain a moment or an extended moment of enlightenment, a moment of pure peace or joy or understanding or complete harmony and we look at something “mundane”, we see it completely differently—through the eyes of peace, joy, understanding, or harmony.  It’s still the same thing that we have always seen, but it’s different, because we are different. The tree is still the tree, but there is so much more to the tree than ever before seen. Do you see how that fits with the Guiding Thought? Experiencing life anew?

There are 11 colors in the picture. The inner colors, the deeper shades of blue, green, purple, and orange represent how people “see” the tree when they are in an unenlightened moment. They still see the tree, but it’s seen through the dark glass or the smoke-screen the world throws up. Then, from out of those colors appear lighter shades of blue, green, purple, and orange. This represents how it’s possible to see the tree: lighter, brighter! The three remaining colors are different shades of green filling out the tree, showing that…it’s just a tree; it can be so much more, and you can experience the tree however you want to experience the tree; it’s still just a tree.

For myself, another way to think about this is “to be in the world but not of it”. We exist in this reality, interacting with people, money, food, jobs, etc., and this is life—we are in it, whether we like it or not. I love being in the world. I love life. I love experiencing all there is in my small, mundane existence. And I also love those moments when I am in this life, seeing it through the clear eyes of peace and harmony; ahhhhh…it’s so much better. So that’s why I do this. I want more of those moments, seeing what is possible through love, peace, and harmony.

“Hallelujah, it’s Raining Heart”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 32

Journey of the Heart - Day 32 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 32
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Today I decide to give my heart reign.

Trusting in love, assured with its gentle comfort, I invite my heart to lead me with joy and peace to joy and peace.

I surrender my mind and will to my heart’s love.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



I wanted to capture the essence of this Guiding Thought today. I do, every day, yet today it felt very, very important. When we let our hearts lead us (surrender), when we trust our hearts, the heart really does lead us with joy and peace to joy and peace. The heart is so gentle and it wants every good thing for us. It does not lead us astray, truly.

I stepped out from my geometric/abstract theme I’ve had going on for this Journey to capture this essence. This is me, smiling in deep, blissful meditation of equal parts head-heart-will, imagining my heart showering my life, thereby growing love (flowers!). It may not be a powerful image to you, but let me tell you…this is strong and positive communication with my heart and my subconscious.

What vision can you have of surrendering to your heart and allowing it to be the cause that grows love in your life? Be with your heart. Love your heart. Let it share all good things with you.

“Energy Chaos”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 31

Journey of the Heart - Day 31 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 31
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

My Heart knows how to love.

Everything is energy.

The most potent energy is love.

As I learn love, I invite the most powerful energy to express through me, to live as me, to be me!

My heart is Love’s abode.

My heart teaches only love.

I am a willing and joyful student!

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



Welcome to Round 4! See an explanation for how the Guiding Thoughts change for this round here.

How are you doing? Are you oozing with love and good will? Are you releasing “guck” and feeling uplifted? Have you found a new peace or harmony in your mind/body/emotions? Do you feel life loving you?

All is well. This is just the beginning. The END of this Journey is JUST THE BEGINNING. It’s very exciting. This concluding round leads us into Journey of Purpose >whoohooo!<. You know…when I started these Journeys, the very first one I began with was Journey of Purpose. At that time (back in 2013) I didn’t even call it Journey of Purpose—I didn’t know what to call it, so I just called it my “Consciousness Journey”. Its purpose was to figure out my purpose. And lo! Here I am. Who knew that the figuring out would turn into the Being. (becoming…being…becoming… get it?) J

Here we are at the beginning of the second month of 2016. Usually, when the year changes, I, like so many people, sit down to think about my New Year’s resolutions. Or, more accurately for me, I think about my goals for the year. Most of the time my goals are spiritually oriented, for example, increasing the types of practices I do or increasing the time I spend doing them.

I entered this year without much thought about my goals—which is odd for me. All I knew, all I decided, was I wanted to add the practices of Earth (fasting) and Fire (fire ceremony, Agni Hotra, or just sitting with a fire). “Add” to me, means maintaining the practices I already do (air, mind, water), not sloughing those off to make room for something more.

So far so good! However, I’ve notice two things. First, I have added more than I anticipated–in addition to Earth and Fire; I have been doing MORE mantra/prayer—a lot more. Second, I have felt a bit scrambled, trying to incorporate and integrate the new practices.

With the first, I have decided to systematize (because that’s just what I do) the practice of mantra/prayer, and make a renewed New Year’s resolution to incorporate mantra. Did you know that if done quickly, you can say the “Om Namah Shivaya” or “Thy Will be Done” 108 times in 90 seconds? That means that in one hour, you can do 40 mala rounds. If you record yourself doing just one round, and loop the recording, your own voice keeps you on task. There are 333 days left to 2016. If you take one hour each day and do 40 mala rounds, then by 2017 you will have done 333 x 40= 13,320; 13,320 x 108= 1,438,560 (in Eastern practices, the 108 is rounded down to 100, so the total would be counted as 1,332,000). Over a MILLION. There has got to be some benefit to a million thoughts focused on God, wouldn’t you think? So, you see where I am going with this. There are several mantras I work with, so I am still sorting out how many, and which mantras, I am going to use to accomplish a million (or more!). I’ll keep you updated.

As for the second, I think feeling scrambled comes with the territory for me. It falls into the “transition” experience. When I go through a transition, things feel a little chaotic for a time. I notice this especially in financial matters—if I get a new credit card (or any new bill), or have to pay something unexpectedly, or transition in jobs, and my finances have to be set up differently, etc., things just feel out of whack for a bit of time until everything becomes settled again.  I’m not too worried about it; the feeling of scrambled is familiar enough that it’s not disconcerting—I know I have “added something new” and I’m simply adjusting.

Something I’ve noticed over the years, as I continue to increase my practices, I always figure out how to make room for them. Or, maybe I should say, THEY always figure out how I make room for them. One amazing thing about practices is as you do them, they call you to do them. They feel so good and provide such benefit (often on sub-conscious or energetic levels) that slowly you feel like doing more and slowly adjust to having time to do more. They don’t grow as burdens; they grow as joys. For example, I was looking back in my records (yes, I have frequently recorded my spiritual practices; it has to do with the MIND, with the conscious acknowledgement of DOING. If your mind doesn’t “see” it, it’s almost as though you haven’t done it, the mind needs proof; so I record a lot of what I do.) …so I was looking back in my records from 2013 and at that time I was only doing about 3 mala rounds each day, of one mantra. Now look at me, figuring out how to do 40 mala rounds each day. The point is start where you can, do what is easy, do what feels right. Do your best. Just start where you are!

As always, THANK YOU for joining me on this Journey (and the next and the next!). Your energy, your contribution matter to us all. We can’t do it without you. I hope you are looking forward to Journey of Purpose as much as I am! Love and appreciation to you today and always.