My own Loving Presence is my personal connection with Divine Mind. Attuned to my own Loving Presence, I Know myself as Whole and Holy. As I feel my Inner Unity, I know: this is all I want; I have found all I seek.
I have had some real push-pulls (i.e. inner conflicts) lately.
- I am doing a Journey of Healing, but have really been enjoying my summer with ice cream (which is “unhealthy”), and I have not been exercising as much as I want to.
- I want to be productive, motivated, inspired, but I feel like I fritter away a lot of time.
- I write about being attuned, Inner Unity, “finding all I seek”, but I feel a void, unfulfilled.
- I am keeping the commitments that I made to myself (time for this Journey, Fire Ceremonies), but I don’t feel like that’s enough.
Do you ever feel like things just don’t match up? You’re not where you want to be, where you think you “should” be? Do you ever wonder what the future holds for you, and how you will arrive at it? Have you ever been in a stalemate with yourself, wanting something to “give”, but everything coasts along without change?
I just found that last line a bit ironic, because “change is the only constant” has been a fairly recent theme. How is it that I can feel stagnant, if change is the only constant?
I wonder what is going on. I tune in to my life, and I listen, I look for guidance and direction, I pray…but I don’t have or get answers…not ones that I can recognize, anyway.
I keep doing the work, but it seems like the work isn’t working.
Do I need to change tactics?
I spent some time (frittering away) on some sales sites just earlier today. You know the stuff: Dale Carnegie, Norman Vincent Peale, Og Mandino, all the “how to be a salesperson” hype. Who wants to do that? Yet, I was oddly drawn to it, even thinking, “maybe I need to get out, hit the pavement, and make some cold calls”. There’s something appealing about learning persistence, going out and talking with people directly instead of online, having a product to sell, and getting immediate feedback. Old fashioned, isn’t it? Why do that instead of just setting up an online store?
It felt like a way to change tactics, to become involved in my own life in a different way, to interact with real people and to build relationships. How counter-intuitive in this digital-information age!
One of the things that I am working on (since Saturn entered Capricorn in December, 2017) is my material life–because Saturn in Capricorn is all about material progress. I spend a lot of time and energy on my spiritual life, but in order for that to “mean” anything the spiritual must come in to tangible (material) expression. At least, that is my opinion.
I have been a monk in many lifetimes, alone in a cave, not worrying about the material aspects of my spirit. But this life? It matters. Experiences matter. Relationships matter. Using the spiritual to live in the material world matters. The monk in me does not care…really. I don’t care about cars or wealth or material things, except to the extent that I need to live in this world. And I feel like that mindset–my monk’s past–has put me at a disadvantage. Sometimes I wish I could be more materialistic, in the sense of being motivated by material things.
I know enough about NLP, affirmations, and mental patterns that I believe I could just “shift” into caring about material things if I wanted to. But then, who would I be? Would I leave behind all I value if I did that? Not having these answers is a reason I haven’t tried this.
This theme has been in the background of my mind/life for this entire Journey. Maybe I should have shared it sooner. But it did not occur to me that becoming more materialistic has anything to do with healing.
But healing has to do with Inner Unity…and this is a part of me that is disparate, in conflict, and in need of reconciliation.