Guiding Thought

We are light.

Our Bodies are light.

We are free.

We know fulfillment and can feel it rise within and expand out.

 

Sharing

I’ve never been one to be superficial or to interact disingenuously or inauthentically with others. For a long time, one of my internal-development goals was to be authentically me, true to my highest self, true to others. I don’t have to “work at it” as much anymore, but I do “work” to maintain this as part of my integrity.

That’s part of what processing myself through these Journeys is about: maintaining clarity about who I am, what the measure of my personal integrity is, and what is authentic and real for me. One of the points about these Journeys is to share difficulties, to share struggle, to share the weight, with the hope that our burdens become lighter, and that you might not feel alone, should you be struggling as well.

…After I wrote those two paragraphs for today’s Journey, I had a spontaneous online therapy session, which brought out EVERYTHING I wanted to say regarding authenticity and personal struggle. It even ends appropriately for what I wrote above. Since it just nails it, I share with you now my online therapy session (some details have been changed to protect the innocent). After you read the “session”, I’ve added a note about the relevance to the Guiding Thought today.

**Online Therapy Session**

Susan: I feel really pissy.

Online Therapist: why are you pissy?

Susan: well, which philosophical framework would you like me to expound, then refute against for myself?

Online Therapist: wow…that’s loaded. pick one, I’ll try to keep up

Susan: there are SO many “unreal” reasons that I am pissy….and I know it’s all just “my own making” “in my head” “karma” whatever….. It’s just all this illusion

Online Therapist: karma?

Susan: could be

Online Therapist: really?

Susan: there are sometimes situations and people, created in past lives that come up, without any relation to THIS life. but that have to be worked out

Online Therapist: are you feeling undervalued?

Susan: sure, that’s part of it

Online Therapist: and

Susan: DONE, I feel done, and I want to be done with this…. but…I have to wait…so I think about “Waiting on God”

Online Therapist: frustrated

Susan: Yes….and “I need do nothing”…but those don’t help

Online Therapist: breathe

Susan: I am… I did… this morning

Susan: then I think about “desire” and if I could just let go of “what I want” then that would dissipate

Online Therapist: you JUST had a huge step!

Susan: I know

Online Therapist: And you’ll be taking another huge step very soon!

Susan: and now I am impatient; impatience is part of it

Online Therapist: I understand those feelings

Susan: I know you do. I think about you, in relation to this, what you experience

Online Therapist: well, you know you can express this stuff

Susan: yeah… been thinking about that too, lol

Online Therapist: you can VENT, if you need to vent…and sometimes it’s a good thing to do

Susan: when it gets to a certain level, I just go deeper down (not talking), and I know that’s not healthy, but i don’t realize I’m doing it until I’ve done it.

so… I’ve done it LOL, TAAAA DAAAAA

Online Therapist: LOL…..venting helps prevent that

Susan: idk, it’s like I don’t want to TALK about it. I just want to FIX it…and I don’t know HOW…. and that’s part of the frustration

Online Therapist: well, you’ve taken some steps toward that recently

Susan: Cause I’m DOING ALL I CAN DO, and it hasn’t worked… or at least it doesn’t FEEL like it has worked

Online Therapist: and now you’ve taken a HUGE step, and you have another one coming

Susan: yes…. I know, so…. really, I am not sure WHY I’m pissy like this

Online Therapist: and now you’re talking out the writing situation…again…lol

Susan: talking out the writing situation?

Online Therapist: Yes, how to get it “out there”

Susan: yes, I am always thinking about that…. thinking/doing

I feel like I need to leap…. that was why I was frustrated yesterday

why don’t I leap?? other people leap.

Online Therapist: probably the same reason other people don’t

Susan: other people make a living doing this stuff

Online Therapist: what are your fears concerning leaping? what does leaping look like to you?

Susan: fears: money

leaping: walking away from this job and dedicating 100% to my writing/speaking/healing

fears: not being able to take care of my family the way my family needs me to, roof over our heads… food, bills… money

Online Therapist: that’s true

Susan: idk, I feel like so much of my time is wasted “working”…and…. maybe I would feel that anywhere I worked

Online Therapist: maybe

Susan: but I feel at an impasse because I HAVE to work… until I get an income to support us through doing OTHER work, but I have a hard time doing OTHER work, because I HAVE to work

Online Therapist: so, what would it take for you to be comfortable enough to “leap”?

Susan: There’s SO much I could do if I had the time/space to DO it

Online Therapist: what things would need to be in place?

Susan: it could look a variety of ways, but the main thing is roof over our heads, bills paid, enough food and computer and internet to “get stuff out there”…. I don’t know how much personal interaction I “need” with others for income

…that’s the other side of it…I feel like there is SO much to DO, and how do I prioritize ALL THAT toward income generating?

and I go to work, and it’s soul crushing, and I feel immobilized

but if I get another job that isn’t soul crushing, there will be less time to get stuff done…all around

less time, more complications.

another job is going to be a lot more demanding of my time

Online Therapist: well, let’s not make assumptions

Susan: ok

Online Therapist: we don’t know what’s going to happen or where yet

Susan: I know

Online Therapist: the future is wide open

Susan: is it?

Online Therapist: of course it is

Susan: I feel crushed

Online Therapist: it, like you, is full of possibilities

Susan: and I feel pissed off that I’ve let it get this far, and I feel pissed off that I’ve let it get to me like this, but  I also feel pissed off that I’ve felt like I’ve been continually defending myself for over 4 years

Online Therapist: you’re not in this alone. you’re always surrounded. don’t forget

Susan: That’s kind of funny, because in the little bit that I wrote today, I said I am writing so people know they are not alone

Online Therapist:

**end of session**

I hope that was at least entertaining for you. I hope that if you ever feel frustrated, impatient, pissed off….you have someone to vent with. I hope you know you’re not alone.

The reason this is relevant to the Guiding Thought today, is that the Guiding Thought was HARD for me today. Light? Free? I could not begin to “get there” today. Today, I felt, “crushed”, as I said above.

I have never-ever-never been in this particular emotional-mental-psychic state. This is new territory for me. I am getting through it, and all is well. I know all is well. I know that the way to get through it is to GET THROUGH IT. To stop just means I have to pick it back up another time—I might as well use this momentum to get me through. I know that once I am through there will be a level of freedom I’ve never had before. I know that when I get through I will be able to handle SO much more than I ever have. For now, though… one tiny concrete-laden step at a time.