Why- Healing (1.4.0)

Welcome to Journey of Healing! I am glad you are here. Are you ready to spend 40 days immersing your consciousness in thoughts of healing? 

I know 40 days sounds like a lot. And I suppose it is. But think about it: 40 days of nurturing and caring for yourself, being gentle with yourself, overlooking mistakes, giving yourself some slack (not being so hard on yourself), and generally being Truly nice to yourself, learning to be your Self. Now, doesn’t that bring about a grateful sigh? Oh yes.

To begin, the first step is to think about what this Journey means to you. Why do you want to do it? Is it about healing the body? Healing the mind? Moving body/mind into greater alignment with Soul? Whatever that is for you, take a minute to write it down.

As for me…

I was going to write a long expose about Oneness and Unity, and about how “True Healing” is really leaving behind perception, so that Oneness and Unity can be experienced beyond perception

I was going to write a bit about the need for Faith, and how the previous Journey increased my faith in Faith, and how that was brought about through some serious letting go and releasing…

I was going to write about how healing is connected to forgiveness, how the world needs SO MUCH healing and forgiveness, and it’s up to us

I was going to write about how it takes as much time and energy to invoke healing for the 7.5 billion people on the planet, as it does to invoke healing for just one’s self, or for just one other person, so, why not always invoke healing for everyone?

There was so much I was going to write about why I am doing this Journey, and what it means to me.

But then flippantly, I inserted that silly face above (which is a good representation for how I generally feel starting every Journey–a mix of “oh my God, am I insane?” and “OH YES, I am ready for this!”– and wrote a completely unplanned paragraph.

When I finished that paragraph, I knew. That’s it.

This is why I am doing Journey of Healing:

40 days of nurturing and caring for myself, being gentle with myself, overlooking mistakes, giving myself some slack (not being so hard on myself (really, I need this)), and generally being Truly nice to (and patient with) myself, learning to be my Self.

Simple. No big hopes, dreams, or goals. No pressure. No expectations. Just nurturing and caring for myself and being gentle with myself…

I really can feel a grateful sigh ripple through my whole body and being.

Whatever your reasons for spending 40 days focused on healing, I am glad you are here. I always invoke your healing, as I am doing these Journeys, so your intentions–whatever they are (given to Divine Light, for Divine Purpose, for the benefit of All) will be empowered.

We are all in this together. Every effort matters. Thank you for your contribution.


New Themes– Worth (1.3.24)

Copyright Tam Black 2018
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Our worth is inestimable, beyond compare!

We always know we have everything to give—thus, we may always give freely! We know our worth and we give it; we give it freely, and Know in the giving!

As we give, we learn, allowing Joy and Peace to lead and to guide us. We follow willingly for we know: Where there is Joy and Peace, there is Love; where there is Love, we are; where we are, we are giving our inestimable worth.


Quick update: The panic is over again. It’s just weird to me that this cycle–in and out of panic–has gone on this long. I continue to do mantra, prayer, and fire ceremonies, which always move me out of it and/or help maintain balance and calm. Onward!

Themes for this Journey so far: Change/transformation and connection.

I’m going to add a third and fourth theme too: forgetting/remembering and holding on/release.

Holding on/release: I am adding this because when there is change and transformation, there is an inherent letting go of something in order for it to transform into something else. I am going to keep this in mind for the rest of the Journey, because–especially with my panic episodes–I have to look at, or be aware of, what I am holding onto, and not wanting to give up. Why am I afraid? Why am I afraid of letting go? What do I cling to?

Forgetting/remembering: I am adding this because as I was reading the Guiding Thought today, it came up for me for the second time today. Though this has been a minor theme so far (see days 1, 11, 21), I am going to bring it greater awareness for the rest of the Journey. It seems like since day 21, my sensitivity to the gap between remembering and forgetting has increased. What I mean by that is I feel more of a tug at my consciousness that says, “you know this, you just need to remember“. In other words, I am more aware of my forgetting, which is pointing me toward remembering.

I was walking, listening to birds, feeling the breeze, watching the trees, and I thought, “I am part of this. I am connected to all of this. I know I am…why don’t I feel it more? What do I need to do to feel it more”. It’s like remembering a memory, without the details, “I know this happened… but what exactly happened”?

So I am keeping on. More to do, more to learn, more to remember, more expansion, more growth, more love, more light, more life.

Love to you. I hope your Journey is going well. Thank you for being here, supporting this Journey with your energy. We’re all in this together.

Peace, peace, peace.

EffervEssence (Heart- 1.1.19)

Journey of the Heart – Day 19
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Gratitude strikes your heart like a bell, resounding love through your being. Gratitude opens your heart to Love’s purity, your very own essence! Experience such deep gratitude for your heart, your essence, your ALL of Life!

Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-


There have been two times, over the past six months, that I’ve experienced “karma” or “energy” or “emotional crap” (I am not sure what to call it) lift up and leave my body/energy field.

The first time was shortly after I did the mundan, and I had done a fire ceremony. I don’t even remember what the “crap” was that I had been holding on to, but all of the sudden, I felt it evaporate. It was as though something material and heavy in my energy shifted, and floated up and out of my energy field. I felt it, and thought, “huh. That’s new”.

The second time was just yesterday. We all carry with us things we learned, or inherited through our family-line (at least we carry it…until we don’t). I’ve been noticing energies that I can identify as things that have been with me for years, that I can see having their origins in my parents, grandparents, maybe (probably) further back.

I was in one of those dunking booth moments, totally immersed in a chaotic emotion. But. I was also watching myself be immersed in the chaotic emotion: in the water and on the platform at the same time:

I felt sorry for myself. SO SO sorry for myself. “Woe is me”. “Nobody loves me”. “Nobody cares”. “If they did they’d…>fill in the blank<…” “If I were lovable someone would…>fill in the blank<. ” Boooo hooooo hoooooo.

I had been in and out of this state for a few days…no, longer… I knew the energy was “not mine”; I knew it was something that I was feeling, but it was not something I believed in, claimed, or identified with. But I was in it.

Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to do to get out when you are so deep in it. Sometimes it’s scary, cause I wonder if I will get out of it. Sometimes it feels like I want to be there, like I want to self-sabotage, and feel sorry for myself, and then I wonder what the hell that is all about.

All of this was going on in that fateful moment.

Then, the part of me that was watching myself go through the emotional contortions, finally, finally got leverage to pull myself out. I remember exactly the thought that gave me the leverage: “It’s not fair to my relatives who carry this, that I should continue it; it’s not fair to the people I project this onto.”

In that thought, I felt a profound sense of duty and obligation. Other people don’t deserve my bullshit. They may not even know, but that doesn’t matter. I have a duty to discontinue my own BS, to save others from guilt/blame/shame, and maybe even to break the chain of inherited BS.

I don’t know why I turned to the meditation that I did, but I immediately thought, “Transmute, transmute, by the violet fire, all causes and cores not of God’s desire. I am a being of Cause alone. That Cause is Love, the sacred tone.”

I said it once. And the bullshit lifted. Seriously, it was just gone. here…and then…not here. poof. In that instance, everything changed. I changed.

I continued saying the meditation a few times for good measure anyway.

I have read about how things can happen “in the twinkling of an eye”. I know A Course in Miracles talks about things like walking through the veil, or pushing aside the clouds. I’ve now had two experiences with this. It really can be that simple. Crap can just go away. Just like that. Gone.


Beneath words: Journey of Courage 2017 – Day 22

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” ― Jalaluddin Rumi.

Words convey meaning. Any time a word is used there is a meaning beneath it. The trick is to get at the meaning beneath the words. Feel the words. Bring them into your whole being, not just your mind. Feel what they are conveying. Listen to the meaning, not to the word.


Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

When we attune our minds to the Oneness that is All of Life, we understand our place in Wholeness. We are the very Presence of Life, and this Presence of Life is us. We are blessed through this understanding. In return we bless all we encounter.


There are words, and there are concepts. Words express concepts, and concepts can be expressed in many different ways, through many different words. One concept can be expressed through a variety of different words. For example, all these words express the concept of “universal” (“of, relating to, or characteristic of all or the whole” or “applicable everywhere or in all cases;general)

  • broad, common, comprehensive, extensive, global,
  • prevalent, ubiquitous, unlimited, catholic, cosmopolitan.

In other words…there are lots of ways to describe just about everything (and this does not even take into account the nuances in the variety of languages).

I mention this, because I have been deeply working on the concept that underlies today’s Guiding Thought, using different words. The concept has grown within my consciousness. Each day that I work with the concept, I understand it and feel it more deeply.

It started on the day of dedication and commitment for this Journey, to summarize: I dedicated all activity, energy, vibration, and movement of my all of my mental-emotional-physical-etheric bodies, and all of the effects of all of these bodies,  at all levels of consciousness to the Divine, for the benefit of all, including myself.

In this instance, the dedication was nearly equivalent to an offering, as though I am saying, “I offer all of every part of myself to the Divine”. All intention and energy of every action goes out to the Divine, to be received by the Divine. Goes out are the operative words. I am moving my energy with intention toward a specific direction (the Divine).

And then, the Divine gives it back to me: “For the benefit of all, including myself”. What goes out, comes back.

All of my energy goes out to All that Is, only to come back to All that Is, for the benefit of All that Is, including me. Do you see? There is only the Oneness of Life. When “I” put energy out, the only “one” I can put it out to is ONE with ME, and so “I” receive the very energy that “I” put out.

We all know this. This is the law of attraction, as you sow, so shall you reap and all that. You know this. I’m not telling you anything new.

I want to you feel it, to know it, and to understand it as a result of the fact of Oneness, however you can, whatever words you use. And so again…feel it:

When we attune our minds to the Oneness that is All of Life, we understand our place in Wholeness. We are the very Presence of Life, and this Presence of Life is us. We are blessed through this understanding. In return we bless all we encounter.

Love’s Possibilities–Journey of Gratitude 2017, day 36

Have you been mystified by the world, our leaders, the cultural/political climate? This article is about options. What can I do, when I don’t know what to do. Spoiler alert: the answer is always Love.


Copyright Tam Black 2015 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

When I look within and see the radiance of Love, I remember my wholeness. I am wholly loving and wholly lovable. In the purity of Love lays peace, which I share with all in gratitude.


We live at a time when duality, opposites, separation, and polarization have been the dominant thought-form for centuries, even millennia. How we think about nearly everything is conditioned by this history. History has “proven” the reality of duality, opposites, separation, and polarization, has it not? We believe in the “reality”, because it is what we have learned, what we have experienced.

Do thoughts not create our reality? Do I not have the opportunity right here, right now, to have a reality of my own choosing, based on thoughts that I choose? Yes, but…

When we are born, all we learn or experience is based on a previous generation of thought-forms telling us what is “real”. We are born into a world that was constructed by someone else, and then told, “have your own thoughts, create your own reality”. But what model can we use? The only one we know is what we are taught, which currently is predominantly dualistic.

What does that mean, in practical terms?

This morning, there was a news story about immigrant raids in New York, Atlanta, Chicago, and Los Angeles. There were over 10,000 comments on the story condemning the action. I thought, “What can we do? What choice do people have? Either they can raise a ruckus, take up arms, and “fight” in whatever way they know, or they can passively let the government raid their communities, and allow their friends and loved ones to be deported. Neither is acceptable”.

Either/Or. Fight or be passive. This was my own dualistic response to this news story. But then I realized that there is another way; we may just not see it right now.

Here is how I know: I’ve been “doing the work of Love” for a while now, and apparently the work has paid off. Recently, I’ve had several situations which began with a familiar conflict, sort of like severe personality conflict, or conflict with authority (to give you a frame of reference). As these conflicts “began” I felt the old, either/or–the only solutions I could see to the conflict were fight or passivity and neither was acceptable. So I made a point to pray, and ask for infinite, unconditional Love to enter. Wouldn’t you know it? Each of the situations smoothed out, effortlessly. I have no idea “how”, except for the invocation of Love.

The solutions were, in my experience small miracles, but all I did was change my thoughts from only seeing two options, to thoughts which could include all possibilities. This is what Love does. It includes, and takes into consideration the good of the whole. Love sees all options, and when we think in terms of love, those options become available to us as reality.

When I thought about the news story this morning, and heard my dualistic reaction, there was immediately a part of me that recalled these recent miracles, and I knew there is another way for the immigration-raids to be resolved. We don’t see it yet, but Love does. We simply need to invoke Love’s solution, through thinking Love.

There is hope in this world for all the current conflicts, for us to create a new reality, one that we have not inherited, a reality based in the inclusion of all possibilities, for the good of All.

Getting out of my own head, seeing the macrocosm–Journey of Gratitude 2017, day 20

Energy Masters are those who wish to fully access more of their inherent power to not only be personally freer of the collective weight, but to also experience the greater freedom of being human, and then to deliver and share their divine action with people and ALL energies on this Earth. -Lee Harris 


Copyright Tam Black 2015 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Love is always with you. Focus your whole Self on being entirely with Love. Tune out distractions and place your entire focus on simply being with the Love that is always with you. This is the return. This is eternal Comfort and Peace: Being with Love, as Love is with you.


“Tune out distractions”… There is a lot going on in the world to distract us these days.

Most often, when I do this day, this Guiding Thought, the distractions have to do with my own mind, how it spins, and goes on tangents, and generally “has a mind of its own”. Today, this Guiding Thought speaks to me of everything going on in the world. 

There is a lot of opportunity to be pulled away from Love, if you pay attention to politics, culture, the environment, the economy. Collectively, especially in the United States, we are seeing a lot of anxiety, near-panic or panic, distress, uncertainty, fear.

I know, I’ve been feeling it too. It took me some time, but I came to understand that very few of the charged emotions that I am feeling are mine. There is a collective anxiety rippling around the world, especially in the United States. It comes, it passes, another wave comes, and they just keep coming. Do you feel it?

In this environment, the Guiding Thought takes on a whole ‘nother dimension and meaning. Those ripples and waves of emotion can distract you from what’s real–Love. The distractions are just on a larger scale than when you only have the distractions in your own mind. Being with the Love that is always with you, as the collective emotions are heightened, is simply an opportunity to expand and strengthen your practice, strengthen your relationship with Love.

There are upheavals going on all around the world. How do we make it through this?

We matter. This work matters. Being with Love matters. Love is always with us.

If you have anxiety, uncertainty, panic…first ask yourself if it’s yours. You may be picking up on the collective mind. If it’s not yours, observe it, name it, talk about the feeling as something flowing through you, not something you are.

Your healing matters. Whether the heightened emotion is yours or not, help to heal it, transmute it, release it. Your practices are so important–they will keep you anchored and steady, as you return to them during this time. Whether it’s prayer, yoga, meditation, taking a bath, or painting, or working with me through these Journeys, use your practices. Heal. Release. Intend Good Will for all. Keep going.

If all you can do each and every day is show up, and offer yourself to Love, in Its service, THAT is not only enough, it is exactly what the world needs.

If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to click the link above to Lee Harris. I had never heard of him before today, but he has some (in my opinion) wise and comforting words on that page.

An Exercise of Acceptance. A Journey of Fulfillment: Day 01

Copyright Tam Black 2014 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2014
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Everywhere Fulfillment is – I am.

Fulfillment is everywhere.

Fulfillment is.

I am.



In all the places fulfillment fills, I am also there. And Fulfillment is everywhere. There is no space, no point, where fulfillment does not reach.

Fulfillment does not think or wonder or inquire; it simply exists. It does not have to do anything, does not have to prove its existence. It just is.

In the same way, I need not think or wonder or inquire. I can just be. Or, rather, if I do think or wonder or inquire, I am still just being behind the thoughts, musings, and questions.

Today’s Guiding Thought is very simple and matter of fact. It acknowledges the existence of fulfillment and me. There are no definitions, no extrapolations, no correlations, metaphors, inferences or interpretations. There is only simple, straight-forward acknowledgement.

I did, however, find myself thinking about “everywhere”, picturing it as best I could. I went outward and thought about fulfillment existing in the oceans, in the sharks and jellyfish, in the water and salt and rocks.

On one level, I thought, “this makes no sense; how does fulfillment exist here?” But I let that go and pictured tundra, deserts, plains, and acknowledged that “fulfillment exists here, too”.

Then I went inward, into my body, and pictured cells and nerves and synapses and hormones and enzymes and acknowledged that –even if I don’t feel it—fulfillment exists here too.

Then I thought, “Fulfillment even exists here in my thoughts.” And I waited. Then the thought came to me, “Fulfillment even exists here, in the space between my thoughts.”

This was not an exercise of trying to figure anything out. This was an exercise of acceptance.

A Journey of Fulfillment: Intention and Dedication

Declaring your intention for this Journey is a very important part of this practice. The 40-day Consciousness Journeys are a means to an end: the goal is to move the consciousness to a new state of awareness, acceptance, understanding, and knowledge of a particular aspect of the truth of Being, the truth of your Self, and yourself.

This goal is the general goal of these jouneys  that I invoke for all who choose to participate; the guiding thoughts are structured and designed to achieve this goal.

But every person has an idea of what fulfillment means to them. Each person is doing this journey for more awareness, understanding, and knowledge about his or her particular expression or experience of fulfillment. Getting clear about your own conception of fulfillment and what you want as an outcome creates your intention. Those thoughts and ideas set your standard, by which you may assess all your experiences. Does your experience meet your standard? What can you do/change so that it does?

Sometimes change means shifting perspective, outlook or expectations; sometimes it means ending or beginning a relationship, changing jobs, moving, etc. (there are many tools available to assist a person in shifting into a higher consciousness, too– I use the practices of earth, air, water, fire, meditation, mantra, prayer most frequently). Infinite Divine Mind works with you in the highest [most loving, of benefit to all, with absolute free will] way possible to meet your standards. Here is where we set those standards.

Begin by thinking about why a journey of fulfillment for yourself. You may have already begun this! Just think or write, or whatever you need to do within yourself to get clear about how you currently think/feel about fulfillment.

As I was doing this, the point of clarity in that exercise came for me when I realized, “I want my entire consciousness to Know the Truth of being Fulfilled, of being whole, and therefore encounter every experience or person from an internal knowingness of my own (and everyone’s) total-perfect-completion.” But since then, I have realized there is more to it for me as well. That statement is a metaphysical statement, and it is true for me. But it states a goal that is primarily in and of the mind–it refers to a state of consciousness, then gives a very general effect: ” encounter every experience or person from an internal knowingness of my own (and everyone’s) total-perfect-completion.”

The thing is: in Divine Mind, I already do this. Divine Mind-Divine Presence-Divine Being knows only perfection and total completion. I am not directing it anywhere. It’s already there.

I live in a physical universe. Matter, material goods, money, services, modern conveniences all of this stuff is also part of my Divine existence. It’s not necessary to shun it, think matter is evil or unspiritual, or think somehow I am compromising my spiritual values if I want or use material goods or services. For me, however, it is necessary not to subordinate the spiritual to the material, to be intelligent about the material universe, and to use it as a spiritual teacher, and continually work to bring absolute integrity into any and all material experiences, from my spiritual aspirations–in other words, doing my best to align my consciousness (words and thoughts) with my actions-deeds-relationships. Yes, “walk my talk”!

Next, once you have thought about what fulfillment means to you, take that information and declare boldly your intention (write your own, or use this as a template): I, Susan, declare from my heart, mind, and soul that I intend to increase my awareness, understanding, and knowledge of spiritual and material fulfillment. I intend to increase the goods and services I offer to others, which bring me joy, love, and a sense of purpose, and which also help people to increase their own fulfillment. I intend to approach all my life activities and relationships with spiritual intelligence, doing my best to be aware of inherent Oneness, Unity, Love, and Divine Purpose in all.

Finally, dedicate this Journey to at least one other person. Then, as you do this Journey, do it for him/her/them, in addition to doing it for yourself: I dedicate this Journey of Fulfillment to all who are on their own journey toward fulfillment, whether aware of it or not. To all who yearn, to all who desire, to all who seek, may my actions and intentions on this journey assist you toward your own Fulfillment, that we may know our Oneness, Unity, Joy, and Divine Perfection together.

A more simple, direct dedication that may also be used is: I dedicate this Journey to >name<. I know s/he has been struggling with some issues (name them, if you want), and I want to help. May my effort on this journey assist in bringing peace and understanding to >name<.

For tomorrow, we begin!

Why a Journey of Fulfillment?

I confess: I don’t know how fulfillment feels. At a very basic level this is why I am doing a Journey of Fulfillment. In fact, at the moment, I’m not even sure what fulfillment IS.

This is very unlike the first three Journeys—a Journey of Purpose, a Journey of Healing, and a Journey of Worth—because with those, at least I know (and knew in advance) something about purpose, healing, and worth. Those Journeys were to deepen, broaden, expand, get me more in touch with qualities that were already familiar.

Fulfillment feels unfamiliar. And I feel embarrassed admitting it.

In the previous journeys, I approached from a place of “I have forgotten”—indicating that at least I knew, or had learned, at some point. With fulfillment, I don’t even feel like I’ve learned it—so it’s not as “simple” as just remembering. It’s more like building from scratch… no, it’s more like collecting the raw materials, forging them into something useful, figuring out how they fit together then building from scratch.

And that’s kind of exciting! What is the outcome…what am I building? I am now looking forward to how this journey turns out!

In the spirit of collecting raw materials…what is fulfillment?

The two things that come to mind are babies and the Peace Corps. Mothers (so I’ve heard) say that having children is a fulfilling experience; people who do humanitarian work seem to find great fulfillment in it.

From these, I gather that fulfillment is more than mere satisfaction, but it includes satisfaction. It also seems to be directly associated with an experience, which raises the question: is it the experience that produces fulfillment? Or is it a quality the individual brings to the experience that simply becomes expressed in the experience? Or is fulfillment in and of itself—not experience or quality? Or is it something else altogether different?

‘Cause here’s the thing: I don’t want my fulfillment to be contingent on, reliant on, dependent upon some external factor—a situation, another person, a job, etc. I do want Fulfillment to be. Fully. I want my entire consciousness to Know the Truth of being Fulfilled, of being whole, and therefore encounter every experience or person from an internal knowingness of my own (and everyone’s) total-perfect-completion.

Wow. Where did that come from? Maybe I have a better idea of what fulfillment means to me than I thought.

Maybe these two verses (which I play in my head wondering what they mean, which I have done for years) have finally started teaching me about themselves (of course… it’s really me, ready to listen):

1) From Psalm 23, “my cup runneth over”
2) From the invocation of the Isha Upanishad, “This is full, that is full. From fullness comes fullness. Take away from fullness, fullness remains.”

I have thought, “What does it mean for ‘my cup to runneth over’?” “How does that work?” “What do I need to do for my own cup to overrun?”

Think about that! King David was so FILLED that he poured out blessings on his enemies, and his cup ran over. I just picture him full of love and kindness and good will; the presence of his enemies did not even faze him…and he had more to give! And it was so real and certain within him that he knew he would feel this way all the days of his life.

That’s what I’m talking about. How do I do that?

And then, the Upanishads…there are many translations of this verse. Some use the word “infinite”, others the word “total”, still others the word “complete”, but they all convey a sense of both expansion and indestructibility. “From fullness comes fullness”—in other words, when fullness gives of itself, what it gives is equal to itself. The sharing of itself produces only more of the same—fullness. “Take away from fullness, fullness remains”—in other words fullness is never diminished. Even if something is done to try to reduce or destroy fullness, it can’t be done. Someone (anyone) could take and take and take and take and fullness remains to give and give and give.

This means…there is only fullness. If I’ve experienced or perceived anything less than fullness, I’ve been mistaken. I have mis-conceived. (AaaaHHHH-HHHHHaaaaaa! Understanding just entered my little mind! That’s why this is a consciousness Journey!)

It’s not that I have forgotten. It’s that I have been mistaken. I have -. Now I can move forward. I can begin to change my perception.

“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”


A Journey of Purpose: Afterword

So often over the past 50 days I have thought a lot about “letting go”.  After making a decision to move forward in anything, there is at least a tacit internal agreement to leave something behind. A Journey of Purpose began with a strong commitment and conscious decision to move forward, to accept my highest purpose, and to live to the best of my ability in alignment with that purpose. At the beginning, I didn’t think about what I would need to leave behind to fulfill this commitment.

Moving forward means changing; changing means dropping things (habits, emotions, behaviors, beliefs), transforming things (ideas, thoughts, behaviors), or promoting/enhancing things (the new ideas, habits, and emotions that are being cultivated).

There is a tension between the old and the new. What no longer fits with where it is you are going? What if I like that part of me, that thing that I may need to leave behind? What about this idea that I have had for the longest time—I need to change it?!? How do I allow Divine Mind through when that jerk cuts me off?

There is one thing in particular for me that has been very difficult to think about leaving behind. It was something that I have for many years been very attached to, something I have given my heart to, something that I have cultivated and cared for, something that I built into part of my self-identity (that’s the “little s” self). It was just something that was very, very important to me…but I could feel it no longer fit. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make it fit: maybe if I do…. If only this would happen…. I can put this here and that there and then do this other thing…. But with every scenario, every attempt at figuring it out, I knew none of the outcomes would be right, they just would not fit with where I am going, and who I now want to be. I knew I had to accept that it needed to go. Out. Gone. Buh-bye. I even had to let go of thinking that it might come back (if you love something let it go….)—even that thought was holding me back.

I have a friend who had worked at a company for 20 years, literally starting at the bottom and working her way to the top. She did the equivalent of building a local empire, of which she was the benevolent and democratic ruler. Her subject-employees loved her. In a period of two years, after what could be described as a “buy-out”, her empire was dismantled around her and she was demoted in practice, though not title. It was only a matter of time before she resigned.  I thought about this friend and the forced-need to let go, and I thought of the Rudyard Kipling poem If: “if you can watch the things you gave your life to broken, and stoop and build them up with worn out tools…”

The similarity between my friend and me is that we each gave our hearts to something that was important to us; we cared for and nurtured their growth. The difference is that I have a choice to let go; she did not.

I wonder: which is harder?

On the one hand if I choose to let go, I feel almost despairing, like I am abandoning this thing that is part of myself, something I have raised and “given life” to. I love it! I don’t want to let it go! But on the other hand, if staying made me miserable and I had to watch the destruction of something I loved, as my friend did, that would be pretty hard too.

I believe that people are all aspiring. We all aspire to Love. We all aspire to be happy. We all aspire to relax and trust life. So Love pulls us to itself. Life wraps us in its current. Love and Life want us to be happy, and they try to take us there, by pulling and wrapping and moving us. Sometimes we have a choice, sometimes we don’t.

There are infinite ways to cooperate with Life and Love; there are infinite ways to aspire!  There is no one way, there is no right way. Everyone has a Purpose. Just keep going. Live Life! Love!