Right use– Journey of Gratitude 2017, day 16

“…I have made a practice of saying [the Lord’s prayer] once each morning with absolute attention. If during my recitation my attention wanders, or goes to sleep in the minutest degree, I begin again until I have once succeeded in going through it with absolutely pure attention…The effect of this practice is extraordinary…”  (Simone Weil. Waiting on God. Collins Fontana Books, p. 38)


Copyright Tam Black 2015 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

When you look within and see the radiance of Love, you remember your wholeness. You are wholly loving and wholly lovable. In the purity of Love lays peace, which you share with all in gratitude.


“Absolutely pure attention”. That phrase captures me. I want that. I want that for doing these Journeys.

You may have noticed that I have referenced two Christian mystics recently–Julian of Norwich, and Simone Weil. I’ve been reading their writings and I’ve been touched and inspired. I want that.

I want their consuming dedication. I want their desire, their longing, for God. I want their beautiful eloquence, their ease with which they express their feelings regarding the Divine. I want to be able to express with words that relationship that is so personal, yet so abstract that words never suffice.

People have done this. These women have done this. Others have longed, searched, and striven. There are fore-runners, who can teach and inspire me. I am so thankful for them.

I am so thankful for God, who instills in me the longing to seek Him, above all.

“Absolutely pure attention”.

Absolutely=complete, total, all-encompassing.

Pure=clean, untainted, innocent

Attention= focus, energy

I want that. I want to practice that.

In Buddhism one of the main practices is to reduce and eliminate attachment, or desire, or wanting. 

But I want to want God. I want to desire God. I want to have God as my refuge, the One I run to, the only thing I attach myself to.

In the spirit of A Course in Miracles, which teaches the right use of denial, I feel like there is a right use of attachment, or a right use of desire. I do not want worldly things–that would be a misuse of desire. I do want Divine “things”, which is right use of desire.

Let’s see where this leads, shall we?


“Fibonacci Fireworks”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 34

Journey of the Heart - Day 34 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 34
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Oh, my beautiful blissful heart!

How can I deepen and expand my relationship with you?

How can I give your love, your wisdom, your compassion more openly and freely?

How can I know you, my heart of love, as myself?

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



Sometimes things just don’t feel right. Sometimes we call it “waking up on the wrong side of bed” sometimes we describe it as just feeling “off”, sometimes it’s a wordless malaise that seems to seep into life through invisible cracks.

This happened to me this morning. It started with my usual morning bath. Normally, I spend 90 minutes soaking, even sleeping, with no problem. This morning, after 30 minutes I wanted to jump out of the tub. Fortunately, I am experienced enough in tub-soaking, that I know the impulse to jump out is precisely a reason to stay in. Soaking in the tub processes and heals emotions. When there is an impulse to leave, most of the time the water is processing feelings of urgency, emergency, impatience, dissatisfaction, etc. If I jump out too soon, the process does not come full circle, and the emotions are left hanging there…and when that happens more often than not they come up for resolution at less convenient times. So I stayed and soaked, wallowing in my discomfort. My solar plexus was uncomfortable. The deep little muscles in my biceps were uncomfortable. My fingers and feet wanted to shake and dance. My sternum was uncomfortable, for crying in the mud! It wasn’t as bad as, maybe, ants crawling over me, but it was close. This morning, I came up with the theory that people with “restless leg syndrome” are suffering from too much emotional urgency that they have suppressed for too long, and now the energy just needs to get out.

During this time, I thought about the book by Simone Weil, Waiting on God. What a great title to think about when feeling impatient. Wait on God. It’s so hard to wait on God when I just want to jump up and get out of this discomfort. Wait on God. Ugh. God’s not quick enough, I need to move, and forget this ever happened. Wait on God. My body is not happy about waiting on God.

Healing happens when we wait on God. Miracles happen when we wait on God. Enlightenment happens when we wait on God. Soaking in the tub is just the warm-up.

I stayed in the tub for 60 minutes—my personal minimum when I am in such a mood. I don’t think it was enough. I still felt off.

I decided on the bright spot: I was having growing pains! Expansion discomfort! Increase-of-awareness awareness! There is moving and shaking (literally!) going on, and I just need to be able to go with it and grow with it!

The Fibonacci sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144 (the title of today’s picture), is what is represented by the spiraling hearts; of course, the more well-known representation is the nautilus. It represents growth, more specifically, it represents geometric growth in near-exact proportion. This is my attempt at harnessing my decision about the bright spot in my growth-pains, and making something perfectly beautiful out of it. Growth is beautiful. Growth may cause some fireworks, but hey, they are beautiful too.

Every Effort Matters. A Journey of Fulfillment: Day 13

Copyright Tam Black 2014 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2014
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Your Self wills to create. Your Fulfillment is Creation.

Your Self wills to share. Your Joy is Sharing.

Your Self wills to extend itself. Your Peace is extension.



I try to think on this. I feel distracted. These affirmations that allude to Oneness and One Will feel distant, out of reach.

My mind is orbiting the earth, while I am trying to think about the guiding thought.

I think, “How can anything good come of this?” “How can I say anything meaningful about this?” “Being pre-occupied is not being a good role model.”

But, being real is being a good role model. Being “where I am”, where ever that is, on this Journey is why I am here, laid bare and honest about the struggle to connect with the Truth of my Self.

Sometimes I’m not ready for this, but I work on it and keep going. Lots of times I don’t understand, but I keep going.

Deep down, I know it’s OK. I know that if I struggle with distractions and preoccupation, other people do too. That’s why it’s up to me to keep going and figure it out.

When I recognize some hindrance, then share what I do about it, my hope is that if you come up against your own blocks you might be able to approach them in a new way, and not get as bogged down as you might have otherwise.

Here is what I am doing about it:

  1. First [defining the problem to the best of my ability]: I feel disconnected from the Truth of my Self. I could try to figure out how I got here—what did I do or not do that created this feeling of separation? But: that would not be very productive. What I want is the remedy. I want to solve the problem.

2(a). What solves the problem? That’s easy: Love. And, in a way, this also answers the question, “how did I get here?” I thought-or-did-or-willed something unloving. As I look back over my day, I can confirm: there was one situation that I kept thinking about angrily, feeling used, abused, and disrespected.

2(b). Since it’s not always easy to just shift into the solution (love), I’m taking a moment to forgive myself for feeling angry, used, abused, and disrespected, and also take a moment to forgive the person/people/situation that brought about those feelings. I may need to do this several times until I am clear. In the meantime, I can move on…

3. Be open to the solution, and be willing to accept it. The concept of the solution is easy, “just love”. But actually doing it? Why is that hard? Sometimes it is for me, anyway. Sometimes I think, “I don’t know what love is.” Sometimes I feel, “how does love feel in this situation?”

I don’t want to feel what I think I am supposed to feel; I want to feel what’s real…and I don’t always know what that is.

Most of the time I don’t get there; I don’t get to a place of certainty about Love…and certainly not when I am trying. Most of the time I am just waiting, trying to be open to Truth and True Love. Anger and frustration get in the way, and I don’t like it.

I am reminded of and encouraged by these sentiments, written by Simone Weil, the French philosopher:

Never…is a genuine effort of attention wasted. It always has its effect on the spiritual plane and in consequence on the lower one of the intelligence, for all spiritual light lightens the mind…

But it is certain that this effort will bear its fruit in prayer…Certainties of this kind are experimental. But if we do not believe in them before experiencing them, if at least we do not behave as though we believed in them, we shall never have the experience which leads to such certainties. There is a kind of contradiction here. Above a given level this is the case with all useful knowledge concerning spiritual progress. If we do not regulate our conduct by it before having proved it, if we do not hold on to it for a long time only by faith, a faith at first stormy and without light, we shall never transform it into certainty. (Weil, Simone. Waiting on God. Translated by Emma Craufurd. Collins-Fontana Books, 1973. P. 67-68)

In other words, every effort I make on a “higher level” bears fruit on the lower level. But, I need to act in accordance with my intention, even if I am not seeing results, or if I am not experiencing things the way I think I should. When I do (act in accordance with my intention) the effort will strengthen my faith in the “higher level” and vice versa—the ensuing faith will strengthen my effort.

Keeping on!