On My Way: Journey of Fulfillment 03.06.04

Copyright Tam Black 2014 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2014
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

My Self wills only to extend itself. Extending, sharing, and creating as Divine Love, through Divine Mind, is my sole purpose. My Self knows its fullness in Divine Love and wills only to liberate me to fulfill my purpose and my joy.


My Self is the True Reality of “me”. My Self is my Divine Self–always One with God.

God is the Great Creator. Love is both God and the energy of God’s creations, the force or vehicle by which God extends.

Everything is One with God. There is nothing God/Love did not create.

My Soul Purpose is to Know myself as this Self–One with God, One with Love, an extension of Love, created in, by, and through Love.

When this becomes my sole purpose (here’s that 100%), I will Know both Fullness and my Self as that Fullness.

If I do not know myself as full, if I am not aware of myself as One with God, One with Love, then I have limited and separated a part of myself, which then sees itself as less than 100%.

Love wants only to liberate me and bring me to 100% of understanding and knowing myself as Itself (Love).

A Life Lesson (Heart- 1.1.22)

Journey of the Heart – Day 22
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Today, we decide to give our hearts reign. Trusting in love, assured with its gentle comfort, we invite our hearts to lead us with joy and peace to joy and peace. We surrender our minds and wills to our heart’s love.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-


Recently, I have had to trust in love. I’ve been all over the place emotionally.

The picture today became a mini lesson in trust.

When I began, I thought it was going to be wonderful! Beautiful! I had visions of stained glass and Art Deco style.

That quickly deteriorated. But I could not be deterred or disturbed since the point of the drawing/coloring is to listen to the heart and go with the flow, so to say.

So I kept coloring, despite not knowing what I was doing or why, or how it would ultimately turn out.

The phrase, “forgive me, Father, for I know not what I do” came to mind, as part of my mini-lesson, as I colored.

You see, so many times in life I don’t know what I am doing, and I just need to trust. If I can’t let go and allow things to “be”, in a mere little picture, how can I do that in my life, when things are “really important”?

So, today was about letting go, releasing expectations, trusting, forgiveness, and coloring even when I am not sure what I am doing.

Try that in life.


EffervEssence (Heart- 1.1.19)

Journey of the Heart – Day 19
©Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Gratitude strikes your heart like a bell, resounding love through your being. Gratitude opens your heart to Love’s purity, your very own essence! Experience such deep gratitude for your heart, your essence, your ALL of Life!

Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-


There have been two times, over the past six months, that I’ve experienced “karma” or “energy” or “emotional crap” (I am not sure what to call it) lift up and leave my body/energy field.

The first time was shortly after I did the mundan, and I had done a fire ceremony. I don’t even remember what the “crap” was that I had been holding on to, but all of the sudden, I felt it evaporate. It was as though something material and heavy in my energy shifted, and floated up and out of my energy field. I felt it, and thought, “huh. That’s new”.

The second time was just yesterday. We all carry with us things we learned, or inherited through our family-line (at least we carry it…until we don’t). I’ve been noticing energies that I can identify as things that have been with me for years, that I can see having their origins in my parents, grandparents, maybe (probably) further back.

I was in one of those dunking booth moments, totally immersed in a chaotic emotion. But. I was also watching myself be immersed in the chaotic emotion: in the water and on the platform at the same time:

I felt sorry for myself. SO SO sorry for myself. “Woe is me”. “Nobody loves me”. “Nobody cares”. “If they did they’d…>fill in the blank<…” “If I were lovable someone would…>fill in the blank<. ” Boooo hooooo hoooooo.

I had been in and out of this state for a few days…no, longer… I knew the energy was “not mine”; I knew it was something that I was feeling, but it was not something I believed in, claimed, or identified with. But I was in it.

Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to do to get out when you are so deep in it. Sometimes it’s scary, cause I wonder if I will get out of it. Sometimes it feels like I want to be there, like I want to self-sabotage, and feel sorry for myself, and then I wonder what the hell that is all about.

All of this was going on in that fateful moment.

Then, the part of me that was watching myself go through the emotional contortions, finally, finally got leverage to pull myself out. I remember exactly the thought that gave me the leverage: “It’s not fair to my relatives who carry this, that I should continue it; it’s not fair to the people I project this onto.”

In that thought, I felt a profound sense of duty and obligation. Other people don’t deserve my bullshit. They may not even know, but that doesn’t matter. I have a duty to discontinue my own BS, to save others from guilt/blame/shame, and maybe even to break the chain of inherited BS.

I don’t know why I turned to the meditation that I did, but I immediately thought, “Transmute, transmute, by the violet fire, all causes and cores not of God’s desire. I am a being of Cause alone. That Cause is Love, the sacred tone.”

I said it once. And the bullshit lifted. Seriously, it was just gone. here…and then…not here. poof. In that instance, everything changed. I changed.

I continued saying the meditation a few times for good measure anyway.

I have read about how things can happen “in the twinkling of an eye”. I know A Course in Miracles talks about things like walking through the veil, or pushing aside the clouds. I’ve now had two experiences with this. It really can be that simple. Crap can just go away. Just like that. Gone.


Beyond surrender–Journey of Gratitude 2017, day 22

Put on your thinking caps! This one takes you through a little bit of a mental exercise. But, if you’re interested in surrender, or you’ve done any work on it for yourself, you may find some insight here–I know I did!


Copyright Tam Black 2015 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2015
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

We lift our minds and hearts to the Truth of Being, to all that Is, to All We Are. We accept our Self in Truth and offer our Self to All in gratitude for Its Being.


I’ve done a lot of work here about surrender, or “Thy Will be done” (see this, this, or this). I feel like today’s Guiding Thought presumes surrender, or “Thy Will be done”. It’s step beyond needing to think about surrender.

Let me go into that a little bit more: If I feel like I need to surrender, then a part of me recognizes that I am not fully embracing Divine Will. Or, a part of me is resisting. Or, a part of me wants to do my own thing…my will be done. In order for me to have the idea that surrender is necessary, there must be an acknowledgment of the part that is not surrendered. It’s when I have this type of resistance or barrier that I “need to work on” surrender.

If I were fully and completely surrendered, there would be nothing else. If I were fully aligned and embracing Divine Will, there would not be the little tapping at my shoulder, whispering, “Hey, you’re not fully in it…” I would not need to work on anything because there would be nothing except my cooperation with Divine Will.

With that, what do I mean when writing above “…today’s Guiding Thought presumes surrender”?

Surrender, in this context, means cooperating 100% with Divine Will. Every thought, every action is working with Divine Will. Because of this cooperation, every situation or encounter is perceived as what it is: an extension of Divine Will, through you. Then, every person, every interaction, becomes an opportunity to experience Divine Will in a different way, to experience the Divine through you in a different way. There is no need “to surrender” because you are fully surrendered.

When you get to that point, there’s an opening. It’s like your whole being unfolds, and says, “Oh, yeah, baby, give me more”. And it’s at that point that you naturally and easily offer your Self to All, because you see yourself as All, and All as yourself, in a beautiful dance of integration through Divine Will.

And at that point, that opening becomes a request to receive more, while simultaneously being an offering, a gift to All… in gratitude for Its Being.


“Heroes Is as Heroes Does”: Journey of Fulfillment 2.0 – Day 39

Copyright Tam Black 2014 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2014
Designed for susanwithpearls.com


Guiding Thought

May those who seek help others find;

May those who sorrow be compassionate;

May those who are lost, light a path for another;

May those who question or doubt give guidance;

May those who worry lift the burden of another;

May those who hide see their own light in the eyes of a stranger;

May we all give peace, no matter what.



I made it home from work last night, no problem, like any other day—well, ok, there was more traffic than usual, it took me 90 minutes for a drive that usually only takes 50 minutes, and it was rainy—but other than that, no problem, like any other day. Realizing there was nothing for dinner, I had to run to the store—again, not so unusual, although not all that frequent.  About a mile away, the store normally takes about 20 minutes to get to and come home.

Not this time.

I make the turn to the store and accelerate to get up the incline…my car barely moves, and my engine revs. Come on, come on…what the hell… come on come on, make it up there. I barely make it to the parking lot. When I get there, I do some tests: car in Drive, press accelerator…NO GO. Car in Drive 2, press the accelerator…NO GO. Car in Drive 3, press the accelerator…NO GO. SHIT.  Car in reverse. GO! Ok. Back into a parking spot.  Turn engine off. Turn engine on. Car in drive.  GO! SLOWLY. BARELY. OK. Maybe I’ll be able to make it home. Turn car off, go in, get dinner, head home with a bit of trepidation. The drive home took 5 times as long as usual, going about 5 miles an hour with flashers on. At one point it stopped completely and I thought I would be walking the rest of the way home, but by some miracle, it went again, after I turned the car off and back on.

My mood bordered on cranky and annoyed…but I was doing my best to stay positive.

Then, I remembered. I talk sometimes about forgetting, and how I should know better, and why do I forget when I really know better… this time, thank my lucky stars and the god of All that is Good, I remembered: I said to myself, “This is all perfect. Everything is going exactly as it needs to go to put everything in place for exactly what needs to be right and perfect.” Which is good, because the next day (today) was a big day already.

The transmission going out threw me into a completely different mode of expectation. That is to say, the way I thought today was going to go, what I had planned, what I expected, was thrown completely OFF.  (and I have to say: I had some very important plans today).

In addition to getting done all that I had planned, I had to figure out how to get my car towed, get the rental car, find a transmission place that works with my warranty, and still get everything else done.

And everything turned out perfectly. Several scenarios that would never otherwise have happened, happened; I met new people who I never would have otherwise met, and engaged in conversations that would never have taken place—which unexpectedly prepared me for one of the very important points of my day. All the while, I maintained my thought from last night, “everything is perfect”.  Indeed, I recalled a dream that I had about 10 months ago, in which, in the midst of a flood I literally held onto a buoy, and floated heedlessly along, while lots of other stuff was swept away all around me.

I completely let go of how I thought I was going to approach today. Instead, I decided to “go with it”, and float as though atop a buoy in a flood.

It was amazing. Everything worked out synchronously, in a very unexpected but interconnected way—in a way that I could not have planned, in a way that I could not have orchestrated. And I realized…THIS is what Dirk Gently is talking about. He really is my hero.

“Getting There: Fulfilled and Free”: Journey of Fulfillment 2.0 – Day 04

Copyright Tam Black 2014 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2014
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

 My Self wills only to extend itself. Extending, sharing, and creating as Divine Love, through Divine Mind, is my sole purpose. My Self knows its fullness in Divine Love and wills only to liberate me to fulfill my purpose and my joy.



If you remember from Journey of Abundance, I was working with the thoughts

ALL in All

All is Love

ALL in All is Love is ALL in All.

Another way to think about this is simply, “God is All; God is Love”. Sometimes it’s easier (more accessible), for me to think of “God”, sometimes I am more comfortable with “All”. Recently, I’ve learned a new, deeper meaning of another option, the word “Ishwara”, which I may also use: “In the Yoga Sutras, the word for God is Ishwara: the Lord, Ruler, Master, or Controller, possessing the powers of omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience.” (Om Yoga Meditation, Its Theory and Practice, Abbott George Burke, location 93, Kindle edition).

This concept (God-ALL-Love), however you want to formulate it for yourself, has become somewhat of a foundation, for me on this Journey.

If God is ALL, then I am part of God. If God is ALL, then my Self is a Self of God. Everything I do is God; everything I think is God; every interaction is God…Everything is God.

>>brief aside< You know by now that I’ve been working on surrender/trust/letting go/living God’s Will. There is a phrase from A Course in Miracles that I have used in this regard, “I need do nothing”, which has helped me to relax into allowing the activity of God.  In today’s context, I have changed this thought to “God does everything”. This removes the emphasis on “I” and places it on God. If God is ALL, then God does do everything. It’s become another way for me to release, let go, surrender my mind to the activity of God. <

Everything is God. Now, look again at the Guiding Thought with this in mind:

My Self which is One with God

 wills only to extend itself . God wills to extend; God is extending through me!

 Extending, sharing, and creating as Divine Love, because God is within me, this is the activity of God, through me….

through Divine Mind, which is already God’s mind, within me….

is my sole purpose. Because this is the ONLY purpose God has, which is also my purpose, because of my Oneness with God.

My Self knows its fullness in Divine Love of course it does! My Self Knows itself as God, and God’s Divine Love.

and wills only to liberate me …this is all God Wants for all of us, to Know our Selves as Divine Expression, in which we are One with God,  fulfilled and free.

to fulfill my purpose and my joy. Because the purpose of Life is to remember our Life in God, which is the only life of Joy.

Do you see how, when you begin to think of God as or in everything, the perspective shifts just that little bit, to actually see the activity of God in All, including within yourself?

“Easy Going”: Journey of Abundance 2.0 – Day 29

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

Divine abundance expresses infinitely through our own Divine Presence. When we identify with our Divine Presence, we open the floodgates and Divine Abundance flows naturally, easily, and effortlessly through us, materializing all good in our lives and affairs.


I spent 1991-1994, working for the USDA Forest Service, building trails in the wilderness of the Sierra National Forest (“Wilderness” is an official designation. It means an area in which motors or mechanized machines are not allowed. This includes things like wheel-barrows, chain saws, etc. All the trails we built were completely by simple tools and our own physical strength. Check out my first publication, on one of the projects we did here.)

I hiked in a lot of different terrain, under a lot of different conditions. Now, when I think about how I am experiencing a Journey, I usually have a type of terrain in mind. For the most part this is the type of terrain I think of:

Easy climb

The red arrow is a slow, easy climb. It’s definitely an incline, continuing UP, but the soil is easy to walk on, there are a few rocks around, but not too steep and no major hindrances or obstacles. (This photo is from the book the blue arrow shows where the old trail is, which is a steeper climb, with rocks in the way that make foot-placement difficult.) On most Journeys, I am on a path about like the red-arrow–always climbing, without too much trouble.

Sometimes, the Journey feels more like this:29 Rough terrain

This is terrain where it’s hard to get a foothold, the climb feels arduous, and I may ask, “is it worth it?” (You know what my answer always is…). Fortunately, when I am in terrain like this (calling out the skeptic, the doubt, the uncertainty), it usually only lasts a day or two, then I am back to “normal” terrain (like above).

This Journey, however, I am in new terrain. Here is what it feels like on this Journey, mostly:

29 smooth and easy

Smooth and easy! I’d say “sailing”, if it didn’t look so much like a desert! There is almost no incline, which makes it an easy walk, barely even a hike. The ground is uniform, so there is no need to pay a lot of attention to where I am putting my feet. I’m just going, one foot in front of the other.

When I was hiking, there would come points where the hike put me in a trance. I suspect it’s similar to what runners feel, when they go for miles and miles. There is just this peace, and innate understanding that you’re on the path, you’ll arrive when you arrive, and there’s nothing to think about, worry about or, do–other than put one foot in front of the other.

This is my terrain today, yesterday, the day before. One foot in front of the other.

“Let Love Do What Love Does”: Journey of Healing 2.0 – Day 22

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com


Guiding Thought

We go deep within our inner stillness, and feel Divine Mind’s presence within. We hold out our empty hands, symbolic of leaving preconceptions behind; symbolic of seeking True answers, and ask, “What is the essence of healing?” These words resonate within us, as though in a vast cavern.  The word essence reverberates with these thoughts, “For what do we care most deeply?”; “What is our  essence?”; “What is our Truth?”; “Where is our deepest hurt, pain, and sorrow, that all may be healed?”


I questioned myself today. For just a moment, I thought, “what if I am the sneaky/guilty/plotting person that that person thinks I am?” It took just a second to shake my confidence, to rattle my cage, to make me question myself. I haven’t quite recovered.

Yet, in that moment, I also saw an opportunity for healing.

At this point in my life, I know in my heart, in my mind that I am a good person. I am kind. I am loving. I care; I give care. I am generous. I want to be truly helpful, and I truly want to do and be what is best for All. It took a long time for me to really accept myself this way. But now, I know, and most of the time I don’t pay attention when people project or blame or call me names.

But today it got to me. Today, I saw darkness within, where someone else was projecting their darkness. Instead of my light of knowledge burning through their misrepresentation, I saw the darkness. It was momentary, fleeting, but it was there, and in that moment I could not breathe. The projection was not real, nor was the darkness.

Darkness simply needs to know itself as what it truly is: light and love–it just doesn’t know any better than to live as darkness.

I haven’t quite recovered. But I am healing.

The darkness that I saw in that fleeting moment is a place within myself that needs my love, a place that is vulnerable, a place that is insecure, uncertain, and weak. It does not trust Love, so it tries to take control. That very control is what makes it insecure, uncertain, and weak. If it would just let Love do what Love does, it would know itself as the greatest power in, through, and above the earth! But no, it wants its own way, even when its own way is the very thing that makes it weak and vulnerable.

I picture this darkness scared, curled up in a corner, shielding its face, trying to hide while being utterly exposed. How can I not feel sorry for it? Have some compassion for it? It looks neglected, dirty, uncared for, but most of all frightened. Darkness does not need blame or condemnation; it needs my love and understanding.

I know this image is answering this question: “Where is our deepest hurt, pain, and sorrow, that all may be healed?” I may not know the specifics of this pain, but I am being shown something deep within that needs healing.

I am able to say to it: “For what do we care most deeply?”; “What is our essence?”; “What is our Truth?” Because it is me, I am it, we are One. If I am to discover what I care for, or what my essence is, or what my Truth is, this dirty frightened darkness is part of the answer. All parts must be unified, all hurts exposed and brought to light. I must love all of myself, lift all of myself.

Experience the Eternal–Journey of Worth 2.0 – Day 27

Copyright Tam Black 2016 Designed for susanwithpearls.com
Copyright Tam Black 2016
Designed for susanwithpearls.com

Guiding Thought

We claim who we are, the essence of our Self, established in and by Love. Our Self shines with the strength, beauty and power of its essence, Love. As we open to our Self, accept our Self, and Love our Self, the Life of Unity infuses all activity and transforms our consciousness. Life as our Self renews our Joy and restores our trust in Life itself.


There was a glitch in the SusanMechanism yesterday, and this did not get posted, but it was done…. Dang those naps that make you forget what you’re “supposed to be doing”!


Do you know about Heraclitus’ river? Heraclitus was an ancient philosopher known for the saying, “A man never steps into the same river twice.” I just love thinking about this phrase, while thinking about the flow of being and the essence of my Self. One (my Self) is changeless and eternal, the other, (the flow of being) carries that essence through time and experiences.

This means that I am constantly experiencing the flow of being in new and different ways; I am experiencing my Self in new and different ways. It can appear that “I” am changing, but in fact, my essence does not change, only my experience of it does–There is different water with different molecules, different atoms every time “I” step into the river.

The body which houses the “I’ is different each time; cells have died and others have replaced them; the mental approach is different each time. What thoughts this time? What thoughts last time? The air is different, the breath is different. The relationship between all the stars is different, including the sun.  Nothing is the same. Everything changes. Yet my essence remains.

The more I allow the flow of my essence through time and experiences, and the more I allow myself to experience through my essence, the more attuned I become to my infinite and eternal nature. My consciousness which experiences transforms to become One with my eternal essence.

“Hallelujah, it’s Raining Heart”: Journey of the Heart 2.0 – Day 32

Journey of the Heart - Day 32 Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls
Journey of the Heart – Day 32
Susan Billmaier for susanwithpearls

Guiding Thought

Today I decide to give my heart reign.

Trusting in love, assured with its gentle comfort, I invite my heart to lead me with joy and peace to joy and peace.

I surrender my mind and will to my heart’s love.

-Play the Guiding Thought here (loops automatically).
Journey of the Heart audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls-



I wanted to capture the essence of this Guiding Thought today. I do, every day, yet today it felt very, very important. When we let our hearts lead us (surrender), when we trust our hearts, the heart really does lead us with joy and peace to joy and peace. The heart is so gentle and it wants every good thing for us. It does not lead us astray, truly.

I stepped out from my geometric/abstract theme I’ve had going on for this Journey to capture this essence. This is me, smiling in deep, blissful meditation of equal parts head-heart-will, imagining my heart showering my life, thereby growing love (flowers!). It may not be a powerful image to you, but let me tell you…this is strong and positive communication with my heart and my subconscious.

What vision can you have of surrendering to your heart and allowing it to be the cause that grows love in your life? Be with your heart. Love your heart. Let it share all good things with you.