We are light.
Our Bodies are light.
We are free.
We know fulfillment and can feel it rise within and expand out.
I’ve never been one to be superficial or to interact disingenuously or inauthentically with others. For a long time, one of my internal-development goals was to be authentically me, true to my highest self, true to others. I don’t have to “work at it” as much anymore, but I do “work” to maintain this as part of my integrity.
That’s part of what processing myself through these Journeys is about: maintaining clarity about who I am, what the measure of my personal integrity is, and what is authentic and real for me. One of the points about these Journeys is to share difficulties, to share struggle, to share the weight, with the hope that our burdens become lighter, and that you might not feel alone, should you be struggling as well.
…After I wrote those two paragraphs for today’s Journey, I had a spontaneous online therapy session, which brought out EVERYTHING I wanted to say regarding authenticity and personal struggle. It even ends appropriately for what I wrote above. Since it just nails it, I share with you now my online therapy session (some details have been changed to protect the innocent). After you read the “session”, I’ve added a note about the relevance to the Guiding Thought today.
**Online Therapy Session**
Susan: I feel really pissy.
Online Therapist: why are you pissy?
Susan: well, which philosophical framework would you like me to expound, then refute against for myself?
Online Therapist: wow…that’s loaded. pick one, I’ll try to keep up
Susan: there are SO many “unreal” reasons that I am pissy….and I know it’s all just “my own making” “in my head” “karma” whatever….. It’s just all this illusion
Online Therapist: karma?
Susan: could be
Online Therapist: really?
Susan: there are sometimes situations and people, created in past lives that come up, without any relation to THIS life. but that have to be worked out
Online Therapist: are you feeling undervalued?
Susan: sure, that’s part of it
Online Therapist: and
Susan: DONE, I feel done, and I want to be done with this…. but…I have to wait…so I think about “Waiting on God”
Online Therapist: frustrated
Susan: Yes….and “I need do nothing”…but those don’t help
Online Therapist: breathe
Susan: I am… I did… this morning
Susan: then I think about “desire” and if I could just let go of “what I want” then that would dissipate
Online Therapist: you JUST had a huge step!
Susan: I know
Online Therapist: And you’ll be taking another huge step very soon!
Susan: and now I am impatient; impatience is part of it
Online Therapist: I understand those feelings
Susan: I know you do. I think about you, in relation to this, what you experience
Online Therapist: well, you know you can express this stuff
Susan: yeah… been thinking about that too, lol
Online Therapist: you can VENT, if you need to vent…and sometimes it’s a good thing to do
Susan: when it gets to a certain level, I just go deeper down (not talking), and I know that’s not healthy, but i don’t realize I’m doing it until I’ve done it.
so… I’ve done it LOL, TAAAA DAAAAA
Online Therapist: LOL…..venting helps prevent that
Susan: idk, it’s like I don’t want to TALK about it. I just want to FIX it…and I don’t know HOW…. and that’s part of the frustration
Online Therapist: well, you’ve taken some steps toward that recently
Susan: Cause I’m DOING ALL I CAN DO, and it hasn’t worked… or at least it doesn’t FEEL like it has worked
Online Therapist: and now you’ve taken a HUGE step, and you have another one coming
Susan: yes…. I know, so…. really, I am not sure WHY I’m pissy like this
Online Therapist: and now you’re talking out the writing situation…again…lol
Susan: talking out the writing situation?
Online Therapist: Yes, how to get it “out there”
Susan: yes, I am always thinking about that…. thinking/doing
I feel like I need to leap…. that was why I was frustrated yesterday
why don’t I leap?? other people leap.
Online Therapist: probably the same reason other people don’t
Susan: other people make a living doing this stuff
Online Therapist: what are your fears concerning leaping? what does leaping look like to you?
Susan: fears: money
leaping: walking away from this job and dedicating 100% to my writing/speaking/healing
fears: not being able to take care of my family the way my family needs me to, roof over our heads… food, bills… money
Online Therapist: that’s true
Susan: idk, I feel like so much of my time is wasted “working”…and…. maybe I would feel that anywhere I worked
Online Therapist: maybe
Susan: but I feel at an impasse because I HAVE to work… until I get an income to support us through doing OTHER work, but I have a hard time doing OTHER work, because I HAVE to work
Online Therapist: so, what would it take for you to be comfortable enough to “leap”?
Susan: There’s SO much I could do if I had the time/space to DO it
Online Therapist: what things would need to be in place?
Susan: it could look a variety of ways, but the main thing is roof over our heads, bills paid, enough food and computer and internet to “get stuff out there”…. I don’t know how much personal interaction I “need” with others for income
…that’s the other side of it…I feel like there is SO much to DO, and how do I prioritize ALL THAT toward income generating?
and I go to work, and it’s soul crushing, and I feel immobilized
but if I get another job that isn’t soul crushing, there will be less time to get stuff done…all around
less time, more complications.
another job is going to be a lot more demanding of my time
Online Therapist: well, let’s not make assumptions
Online Therapist: we don’t know what’s going to happen or where yet
Susan: I know
Online Therapist: the future is wide open
Susan: is it?
Online Therapist: of course it is
Susan: I feel crushed
Online Therapist: it, like you, is full of possibilities
Susan: and I feel pissed off that I’ve let it get this far, and I feel pissed off that I’ve let it get to me like this, but I also feel pissed off that I’ve felt like I’ve been continually defending myself for over 4 years
Online Therapist: you’re not in this alone. you’re always surrounded. don’t forget
Susan: That’s kind of funny, because in the little bit that I wrote today, I said I am writing so people know they are not alone
**end of session**
I hope that was at least entertaining for you. I hope that if you ever feel frustrated, impatient, pissed off….you have someone to vent with. I hope you know you’re not alone.
The reason this is relevant to the Guiding Thought today, is that the Guiding Thought was HARD for me today. Light? Free? I could not begin to “get there” today. Today, I felt, “crushed”, as I said above.
I have never-ever-never been in this particular emotional-mental-psychic state. This is new territory for me. I am getting through it, and all is well. I know all is well. I know that the way to get through it is to GET THROUGH IT. To stop just means I have to pick it back up another time—I might as well use this momentum to get me through. I know that once I am through there will be a level of freedom I’ve never had before. I know that when I get through I will be able to handle SO much more than I ever have. For now, though… one tiny concrete-laden step at a time.